Reflections

So one of the things travel is supposed to do for you is broaden your mind, that’s what “they” say. Well I’ve certainly learned a lot about the way the world works. More importantly I’ve learned so much more about myself.

I’m learning that I’m pretty resilient, that I’m capable of way more than I ever though possible - like a seven day fast! - and that in the scheme of things I’m a pretty cool person.

This all sounds so big headed I know, but in spite of the character I portray in my day to day life, I’m pretty damn hard on myself. Having been raised to feel I was never good enough, I then sought out relationships with others that reinforced those negative feelings. I don’t just mean sexual relationships, although I was once dumped for being ‘only close to perfect’. But even a number of friendships over the years, I constantly felt as though I had to run to keep up with the people in my life. They were all cleverer than me, more talented, more attractive, more successful, slimmer, the list is endless. In the last few years I’ve found myself being less willing to put up with that kind of b/s from others and I’ve consciously withdrawn myself from people I felt to be toxic. 

This has been really scary, there’s been times when I’ve felt incredibly isolated from the world, especially as the last of my family members have passed on. I’ve grieved hard for people I didn’t much like when they were alive because it was better to have the toxic relationships than it was to be alone. This belief appears to have run it’s course now, and I am starting to finally accept that I’m pretty ok. I’m not the dumbest, fattest, ugliest person I know, nor am I anywhere ‘close to perfect’ but I am ok. And while my career may not have soared to the heights of some of my peers, I’m proud of the work I do and I love that I enjoy every minute of my life; be it time spent onstage or time as now spent on a beautiful tropical island with not much more than sunshine, a hammock and time to think and reflect.