Tour of Duty... Part Two

Another day, another flight. This one was slightly later so I got to sleep in till 7am. And I did! After breakfast and packing away all my lovely clean clothes I was collected and taken to catch my flight to Da Nang.

Vietnamese Airlines are pretty prompt at take-off and landings, but they sure do leave boarding till the last possible minute. Thank god there’s allocated seats, or it’d be mayhem! It’s fairly no frills, you get a moist towelette and a small bottle of water, but that’s cool I guess.

I was collected at Da Nang airport and ferried to another hotel. Writing this 14 days later I can’t for the life of me recall anything about the hotel, so I guess it must’ve been ok. If it’d been really crap or really brilliant I’d have remembered.

I met my new guide, a cool young guy called Tom (something tells me he’d anglicised it for the sake of us lazy foreigners) and the rest of my group. There was a mother and son from the US and so Tom was our ‘English speaking guide’. The rest of the group including USA boy’s girlfriend were Vietnamese so they got their own guide.

First stop on the trip was to Monkey Mountain. After yesterday’s visit to Monkey Island, I was a bit apprehensive, but needn’t have been as there wasn’t one single bloody monkey! I asked why it was called that when there weren’t any and Tom said ‘blame the French’. I have to say, I am kind of enjoying being in a place where everybody blames either the French or the Americans, it’s one of the few places on earth we Brits haven’t fucked up!

After (No)Monkey Mountain aka the Son Tra Peninsula we drove to China Beach - known here as My Khe - sadly by this time it was dark so no chance to hang out too much. It’s meant to be one of the loveliest beaches on earth but in the dark it was just sand to be honest. We were piled back onto the coach and driven off for dinner. I was put with the Americans and the journalist (or nosey bugger) in be got the whole story. Turns out USA boy met his now fiance online six months ago in a “language exchange” forum. Now call me a cynical old witch but looking at this guy - and at his fiance - I find it hard to believe he was in there learning Vietnamese, he could barely speak English! Whatever the circumstances, this gorgeous young woman decided that this Beavis ‘n’ Butthead lookeylikey was the man of her dreams and six months on from their first online chat she was sporting decent sized diamonds in her ears, on her wrist and on the third finger of her left hand. B&B couldn’t take his eyes off her like he couldn’t believe how lucky he was, and rightly so, if she already had a green card I doubt she’d be with him.

Now I know this sounds really harsh but as my four days in their company unfolded I can honestly say that he really embodied the worst aspects of the US. He was rude, racist and just generally a cunt.

His poor mother seemed kind of bewildered by everything, she wasn’t in great shape physically and the fiance was incredibly caring and attentive to her, far moreso than the son. Of course I am filling in the gaps but the other two brothers and the Dad didn’t fly over for the huge engagement party so perhaps they are less ‘rose-tinted’ than mom about this ‘love match’. I guess when you give birth to a kid and raise ‘em for 25 years you gotta love em no matter what.

Anyway after we’d eaten we were taken to a traditional show, which lasted a mere 50 minutes. It was a bit like watching Damon Albarn’s Monkey but without the acrobats or Damon.
The next day we were off in the bus early. Off to Hoi An, via Marble Mountain - which wasn’t made of bloody marbles either. Resisting any desire at all to buy a huge chunk of marble, I found a coffee stall and waited for the other’s to realise they didn’t want any either. After a stop for lunch we rode into Hoi An.

What a cracking place! I totally loved it. Very obviously geared to backpackers as well as us older ‘flashpackers’ there were gazillions of tailor shops, handmade shoe shops, and little cafes and restaurants selling such essentials as pancakes with ice cream. I had time for a quick swim in the pool before we went off on a walking tour around the old town. This is a UNESCO World Heritage site and just amazing really. The whole place has a really cool vibe and it’s somewhere I’d like to spend more time in one day. Sadly on this tour we only had the one night.

Next up was Hue (pronounced Hooo-way - check me!), the original old capital of the country. Smack dab in the centre of the country and with tons of history. Tom took us to the Imperial Citadel the grand palace of all the kings of Vietnam. I found it pretty fascinating stuff.
the view from a dragon boat on the Perfume River, Hue
Beavis’n’Butthead and his mom were acting up a bit and the fiance got in on the act. I should explain that while we were on the bus, us non-Vietnamese sat at the back with Tom and he would fill us in on where we were going and what we’d be doing when we got there. Any questions I asked were answered fully, but the ‘mericans asked no questions.

While we were having our thing at the back of the bus, Suan the Vietnamese guide was on the mic and yes the bitch could talk, in fact she never shut up the entire time we were in the bus. She was like a drunk divorcee at a Karaoke night.

Now I found it slightly annoying, but I put my iPod on and blocked her out. The ‘mericans had iPods too but instead of using them they chose to bitch about her to Tom constantly. Now the fiance, wanting to impress her future mother in law decided to get busy. Bearing in mind that there were four of us and about 20 Vietnamese people, and the fact that to say one word in English takes about four words of Vietnamese (according to Tom), Suan was doing what she was paid to. The fiance rang Tom’s boss and complained about him! Apparently it was his fault that Suan talked so much! I was mortified at her behaviour and so was poor old Tom. Shit like this could get him fired. Plus it wasn’t like he’d done anything wrong.

The next day there was an eight hour round trip to the Phong Nha Cave and while I wasn’t overly thrilled about listening to Suan yakking - and let me be clear, it wasn’t that she was yakking in another language, if she’d been speaking English it would’ve pissed me off just as much - I was happy to see that the ‘mericans and the fiance weren’t on the bus either.

I grabbed the back row and using my jumper as a pillow and my sarong as a blanket, slept the whole way there. Perfect!