Diminished

Sooooo it's been a week of catching up with boring domestic stuff, enlivened by a couple of shopping trips and the sun which seems to have stuck around for five whole days!

An afternoon spent reading in Hyde Park was sheer bliss, I really do believe I was meant to live in a hot country cos the simplest of things pleases me when the sun's out. The only downside was the bizarre sight of a man laying on the grass, in full view of everyone, masturbating! He didn't have his cock out but he had his hand down his pants and was going at it like the clappers. He looked completely normal - well as normal as a man in the throes of ecstacy in a public place can look! - so I am at a loss as to why he thought it was ok to be jerking himself off in front of a park full of people.

I really am not one of those comediennes who does the whole 'men are freaks' schtick, but f**k me! I truly cannot imagine a woman doing that! I have to say thankfully, most of the men I know wouldn't dream of it either, but you guys are strange creatures sometimes.

The weight loss has picked up again after a brief hiatus, and I found myself doing something I never in my wildest dreams imagined I'd be doing - no, not wanking in Hyde Park - something even more incredible. I bought two pairs of size 10, yes size 10, jeans!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now when I say I bought em, I know that isn't the most amazing thing in the world ever, I could be a size 30 and still "buy' them. But these jeans actually fit!!!!!!!! I can do em up and sit down in em and everything!!!!!!

I have never been a size 10 - well perhaps when I was 7 or something - and when I began this journey back in February, it wasn't something that I even considered. I cannot tell you the thrill I got from this experience.

When I first sat down with Mr Fiennes, the surgeon, in January of 2006, he asked me what I expected from the gastric bypass. I said 'smaller clothes'. By that I meant that I didn't expect any other aspect of my life to change by being smaller, whatever rubbish was in my life would still be there no matter what size I was, it was up to me to change that stuff.

Well I was wrong. Not because I am so shallow that I now believe that being thin=being happy, but because of the added benefits that come with not having to carry that extra 6stones and 11lbs around. I feel so fit and healthy, I'm exercising like never before, I walk loads more than I ever did - I walk so much it's like I don't even possess an Oyster card!

There's also the much dimished sense of failure that has hung on me like a cloak. In the past, even when I've lost weight, there's always been that voice in the back of my head saying 'enjoy it while it lasts mate, cos you know it'll all be back on within a year'. That voice has gone.

The op isn't foolproof, I've found stories on the net of people who've had it, lost weight and somehow managed to regain it all, but I cannot for the life of me imagine how they did it! I don't have that feeling of diet 'martyrdom', 'ooh look at me I'm so virtuous I don't eat cake' or whatever. I just don't wanna put that kinda rubbish in my body anymore. That's something I've never experienced before. Perhaps it's the fear of f**king up my new stomach and having to go back into hospital, I'm not sure, but whatever it is, its new to me and I love having this new-found respect for my body.

And on that positive note, I'm extra happy today cos I'm off to do one of my favourite clubs this weekend, Leeds Jongleurs.

Most acts on the circuit agree its a joy to play, the city is amazing, the shopping brilliant, and the hotel luxurious. If the sun manages to stay out, it will practically be a mini-break rather than work!