Gay Pareeeeeeeeeee

So Wednesday morning saw me up really early - 7.30am!!!!!! Not sure why I woke so early, but made good use of it by getting my now middle-aged ass outta bed and into the shower, after I'd done my morning exercise regime. I do squats, crunches and all kinds of stretching every morning, just as well really with the amount of walking I'm doing here.

I switched my phone on and it dinged with a couple of 'Happy Birthday' texts. I'm not really one for making a huge fuss of my birthday anymore, I used to be - when I was young - but I had a day of treats planned that really meant something to me, so yes I intended to have a very Happy Birthday.

I got my credit card out of the case, and headed off to Galleries Lafayette to buy myself a 'little present'. It might sound ridiculous but the weight loss has shown itself in all kinds of weird places, not least of all on my wrists. I am a sucker for a good bit of silver, but the bracelet I'd been wearing for the last couple of years was now far too big and heavy looking on my new delicate wrists, so there was a definite goal of getting something nice to celibrate this.

I found it within about 15 minutes of entering the store. To be honest I spotted it last night, but I was still a bit apprehensive as to whether it would fit. Most bracelets don't. I have a couple of Tiffany ones that I've bought over the years and both of them had to be made bigger at extra cost before I could wear them. I tentatively held my arm out and let the saleslady put it on...blimey it fits and it ain't even tight! It's also very gorgeous, so I wouldn't even let her put it in the box, I wore it out of the shop.

Outside the shop there were loads of stalls selling all kinds of tat, and one of them caught my eye too, selling fake 'Chanel' rings. Now rings are another thing I've had to have made over the years, unless I wanted to just wear em on my little fingers. I found this really over the top white ceramic and 'diamonds'. That fit too and at 20Euros seemed a bargain. It really is huge and ostentatious, I swear I am turning into Liberace in my advancing years!

Shopping over it was time to head to the Louvre and brave the crowds. Blimey there were some crowds too! The place was heaving. I'm sure its very uncultured of me, but while I can appreciate the grandeur of the old buildings, I M Pei's glass pyramid was the part that made me a bit moist! it's a stunning structure, made all the moreso by the contrast with the ancient buildings that surround it. Once inside it was really difficult to appreciate the works on display due to the amount of tourists swarming around, the noise levels were unbelievable. Decided to just go see 'the' painting and get the hell out.

I was shocked by how small it was! I always imagined the Mona Lisa to be this enormous piece, but it really is quite tiny. Bit like when you see famous people in the flesh and they are always smaller than you imagined. There was a massive queue to get remotely close to it, which didn't seem to be going down at all, so I crept along the side of the queue and checked it out. It was almost like 'ticked that one off the list of things to do'. It was more interesting watching the guards getting really quite aggressive with the Japanese tourists who were taking photos of it, illegally.

I practically ran out of the Louvre, back up into the sunshine and found a little cafe for a much need coffee and a smoke. Refreshed, I headed up to Monmatre on the Metro to visit the Salvador Dali gallery. I got off the train and thought it bizarre there there was a lift to take you up to ground level at this station - I seemed to have done nothing but climbed stairs so far - so I decided to make use of the lift. Except I didn't as it was out of order. Myself and several others began our ascent, endless stairs later I saw daylight. At least I think it was daylight, I could've been having a mild stroke! I musta climbed about 150 stairs! That brought home to me just how much weight I've lost, I wasn't even the last one up! There was a woman, slimmer and younger than me who was lagging behind. If that had happened 3 months ago, I know I'd have given up and gone back down and gone somewhere else!

As I got onto the street my phone began to ring, a couple more friends wishing me happy birthday, I'd just about got enough breath back to be able to speak to them, then it was on the little electric bus up to the gallery.

It seems like Dali is everywhere at the moment, the V&A have just opened a massive Surreal Things exhibition, and while some of his stuff is over familiar - the melting clocks etc - there is something very special about seeing his work 'in the flesh'. They had the Mae West's Lips sofa, sadly we weren't allowed to sit on it, plus tons of sketches and sculptures. It was a great little insight into his world.

I checked out Sacre Coeur which is astonishing, but then it began to chuck it down, so I hopped back on the bus and got the Metro to the Place Madelene. I sheltered from the rain in a lovely cafe, you can still smoke inside in Paris at the moment, and watched the world go by. Apart from the art, this is my favourite part of any trip. Somehow it's never as good in London.

By now my legs were really aching, I've never walked so much in my life! So it was back to the hotel for a bit of r'n'r and a read of the Guardian. At the start of my day I'd bought a baguette for breakfast, and I still had 2/3rds of it left, so far it had done two meals, turns out it was my dinner too, and sadly went stale before I could finish it! God I am a cheap date these days!

In the evening I wandered over to the Bastille and had a look around but I really was feeling knackered and there was no point in ordering a meal anywhere as I was still stuffed, so I went back for a bath and bed.

Thursday morning and home time. Once I'd packed and checked out, I left my case at the hotel and went to treat myself to a wander round the Pompidou Centre, after breakfast in the Cafe Beauborg.

I remember seeing the Pompidou Centre when I came here last time and thinking what an amazing building it was, this time it had less of an impact as the world seems to have caught up with it, but there's no denying that the art collection is fantastic.

It wasn't as crowded as the Louvre, so I could really enjoy this one. Plus of course it's modern art which I love, it really was a case of leaving the best till last. There were all kinds of great works, but the Max Ernst stuff really struck a chord with me. Loved it.

With only a couple of hours to go before my train home I treated myself to a lunch of Moules and Frites... they were delicious. I'm starting not to care what people think now about how much I leave and beginning to break that thing of 'its a waste of money if you don't eat it all' mentality that led me to need to have the operation in the first place! That's a huge breakthrough for me.

After stocking up on cheap cigarettes, I headed back to Gare du Nord and checked in for the train home. For some reason the bitch at customs stopped me and made me show her my fag stash, I was within the limit, and could prove where I'd bought them, so fuck knows what her problem was. Luckily her superior stepped in and told her to stop fucking about, and she just shrugged and let me go.

You know there's a myth that the French are rude and arrogant, but until I encountered her, I'd met nothing but really friendly and helpful people, shame she had to spoil it, not even an apology.

On the train, I had a right result. A gorgeous boy to look at, and best of all, no-one sitting next to me for the entire journey! Mind you I think I need to work on my pulling techniques. The boy smiled and I smiled back, then I promptly fell fast asleep for about 90 minutes, and it was only my own snoring that woke me up! Oh well, he was too young anyway!