Tour Of Duty ... Part Five...Hell On Earth

I paid $16 for use of a room for three hours. This was needed as later on I’d be catching the night train to Sapa, and I wanted to freshen up and get my warmer clothes out. Before I did any of that I dashed to the local mini-mart to stock up on supplies. It’d been a long time since I’ve been on any trains anywhere, but I’d guessed there’s no buffet car on Vietnamese trains.

To say I was apprehensive about the journey is an understatement. Sharing a sleeping compartment with three total strangers is not my idea of fun, and I wasn’t honestly expecting to get any sleep at all.

By 7pm I was all layered up in whatever warm clothing I could find, and ready to go. A couple who were on the Ha Long boat trip were also coming on the train, and when the woman arrived to take us to Hanoi station she confirmed that we’d be three of the four in that compartment. So not total strangers then.

The station was crazy, just like in the movies. There’s lots of overnight trains heading out and without the guide’s help I daresay I’d have been on the wrong one. I saw another couple of Ha Long people but they were on a different one to me - shame they were a really funny, cool couple. The gate was opened for our train and off we went.

I was told that our compartment was a VIP one - well it’s all relative innit? I mean there were no chickens or goats but equally there wasn’t much else apart from four wooden bunks with bits of foam on top of them. We did all get a tiny bottle of complimentary water though. This was no Orient Express!

A fourth person joined us and he climbed onto the bunk above me - I’d made sure I was on the bottom. Within minutes we were off! Up and down the carriage people were picnicing, making phone calls, smoking illegal fags, and generally making a noise, but around 30 minutes after we pulled out of Hanoi I was fast asleep. Apart from an old man coming into our compartment by mistake in the middle of the night, I had one of my best ever sleeps!

We were woken about 10 minutes outside of the Lao Cai station and as we opened the curtains, boy was the view a shock. Basically the mist was so heavy you couldn’t really see anything. It looked bloody cold too! A local tour guide met us, along with about 15 other people and we were crammed - luggage and all - into a tiny minibus.

From this point onwards this leg of the trip began to go downhill, ironically as we were going uphill! We drove for a good hour on some of the worst roads I’ve ever been on to the hill station. According to the itinerary we were to be taken to our hotels to check in and freshen up before having breakfast and being driven to some of the nearby villages for a bit of a tour.

The reality was that we were dropped at some random hotel that nobody was staying in and told to eat here, then afterwards we would be going on a 10km trek up in the mountains! I’m afraid my good humour (tenuous at the best of times) completely evaporated. I produced my itinerary and demanded to follow the schedule I signed up for. It was so cold and damp up here that my arthritis had kicked in the moment I disembarked from the train, so there was no way I was going to be trekking 10 kms on rocky, uneven ground in the rain!

Eventually, after a lot of pidgin English and a few calls to the guy I booked the entire tour with, I got taken to my hotel. They couldn’t understand that I was unable to do the trek and suggested I pay extra to have a motorbike driver take me - minus a helmet - up to the villages in the rain. I explained that unless they could get me on the first train back out of here I really just wanted to be left alone. This totally freaked them out. One thing I’ve learned is that on these organised tours, nobody is allowed to deviate from the programme (except the organisers of course) and nobody on the organisational side is allowed to make a decision. I was slowly being driven mad, so mad that instead of blowing my top and making a massive scene I slowly began to cry. Hot, heavy tears of frustration streamed down my face as I just begged to be taken back to Lao Cai where I could get a train back to Hanoi.

The lies that were spun were incredible. There were no trains, my ticket was only good for the following night’s train (they hadn’t even bought the damn ticket at that point), on and on. The tears did at least get the message across that I was deeply unhappy and if they couldn’t do as I asked to get me out, the least they could do was fuck right off. Thankfully they did!

The next day they came again with more bullshit, but I did at least get them to take me down to the station early. Once I got back there I was met by a really cool guy who organised a great dinner and gave me everything I needed to get the hell out of this godforsaken place.

Perhaps it was the fact that it came on the back of such a wonderful couple of days in Ha Long Bay, or perhaps it was the fact that it made Grimsby look fucking exotic, either way I cannot stress strongly enough that Sapa is not worth the time, effort or cash to visit. The ‘colourful locals’ all looked as though they’d been cast by Disney and their home-made handicrafts all looked suspiciously mass produced. There’s rubbish and rats everywhere and the scenery is hidden by the perpetual damp, grey mist. Really, really avoid this place!

The next day I was back in Hanoi, having once again slept really well on the train - to be honest that was the best part of the entire experience of Sapa - and even though it was raining like buggery, Hanoi seemed like paradise!

After a shower and change of clothing at the hotel, myself and the Aussie and his g/f were collected for a city tour. It was pretty awesome actually, even in the rain. We went to Ho Chi Min’s Palace and Mausoleum. Sadly he wasn’t there as every November he is taken to Russia for a touch up by the same people to fix Lenin up to look so “lifelike”. Of course there were the obligatory trips to the “Disabled People’s Workshop” and the ‘unique’ ceramic factory - again both fronts for far larger organisations mass producing crap for guilt ridden tourists. Once again I made a cash donation in the money box and went for coffee.

We were dropped back at the hotel for a quick freshen up before being taken to the airport. I was on my way back to Ho Chi Minh City, as were the Aussie and his g/f. They were on an earlier flight than me and were concerned that the late pick up time might make them miss their flight. Again that steadfast refusal to change the plans came to the fore, and even me saying I didn’t mind going early so that they still only had to do one trip went unheard.

The heavens were emptying every drop of rain they had as our driver sped out to the airport. Think of the worst car journey you have ever had and times it by a gazillion. That’s how scary this ride was. Well I say scary, I kinda enjoyed it, it felt like I was in The Sweeney or something, but the g/f in the back wasn’t used to the speed and spent most of the trip with her head in her handbag puking her guts up. Oh and they missed their flight. I dunno what happened after that as I had to go to a different part of the airport for my flight, but I’m guessing it wasn’t pretty with a puke filled handbag and a restriction on liquids onboard a plane!
This is the root of a Buddha tree according to the guide, so named because the roots grow back up out of the ground and look like Buddha. Well this one reminds me of something else!