I Never Thought...
I'd see this day.
This time last year I weighed 20 stones. I was depressed that I couldn't control my eating, in spite of knowing all the reasons why I used food as a tranquilizer, I just couldn't stop sticking unhealthy food in my mouth. Becoming a Buddhist and avidly devouring the dharma had made sense of so much, but over-eating was the one thing I just couldn't crack alone.
I remember how disheartening it was last November, trying to find clothes that were a bit more 'dressy' for the forthcoming Xmas shows. How shitty I felt as I trudged round Evans, Ann Harvey and H&M's Big Birds' departments, feeling like a total failure yet again. Remembering how in 2004 I was down to 12 and a half stones and wearing all kinds of mad clothes onstage, looking a feeling fabulous. Now here I was again, the cycle of loss and gain following its natural (for me) course. There was some hope on the horizon, the possibility of getting the gastric bypass on the NHS, but nothing was guaranteed.
To say I hated myself and my inability to control the most basic of functions is an understatement. I can recall staring at my obese naked body in the full length mirror in the hallway and punching myself in the stomach, repeating the mantra 'you fat c**t' over and over till I cried.
Of course luck (or karma) was on my side, and I got the letter telling me I was eligible for the op and in February this year I had it done. I'd managed to lost seven pounds before I went in for it and so on the day of surgery I weighed 19 and a half stones. I was terrified, but I knew I had no option but to have the operation. This was something I couldn't control on my own.
When I got out of hospital, people began to ask me if I had a target weight I wanted to get to. At that point, I'd have been thrilled to get to 14 stones perhaps. After a couple of months I allowed myself to dream I might get to 11 stones one day. On the height/weight charts that was the top end of acceptable, healthy weight for someone my height. Inside, I felt that perhaps I was being unrealistic, it'd been 25 years since I weighed that little and in order to reach it then I stopped eating for three months.
Slowly tho, the numbers on the scales began to go down, and down. I'd never been given a target weight by the surgeon, and that was probably a good thing cos whatever number they'd said in February would've felt unattainable.
Somewhere along the line tho, 11 stones did seem feasible, and I decided to set myself a more difficult target... The charts said anywhere between nine and 11 stones was good for me, so why not aim for the middle? I began to say out loud that my target was 10 stones, but a part of me never thought I would get near that figure.
Well this morning I broke the 11 stones barrier - just - I am 10st 13lbs! As I looked down at the numbers on my cheat-proof digital scales, I could barely take it in. I cannot remember the last time those numbers appeared on a set of scales I was stood on, but I suspect it was my very early teens.
People ask me if there's any downside to having this op. Other than throwing away more food than I can eat, the answer is no. I am healthier than I've ever been in my adult life - physically and mentally - I have energy like I can't ever remember having in the past, I have a confidence, vitality and zest for life I've never experience before.
As a Buddhist I believe in reincarnation, and I feel doubly blessed because I've been given a second shot at life whilst I'm still in this one! I truly have been reborn, and I like what I see.
This time last year I weighed 20 stones. I was depressed that I couldn't control my eating, in spite of knowing all the reasons why I used food as a tranquilizer, I just couldn't stop sticking unhealthy food in my mouth. Becoming a Buddhist and avidly devouring the dharma had made sense of so much, but over-eating was the one thing I just couldn't crack alone.
I remember how disheartening it was last November, trying to find clothes that were a bit more 'dressy' for the forthcoming Xmas shows. How shitty I felt as I trudged round Evans, Ann Harvey and H&M's Big Birds' departments, feeling like a total failure yet again. Remembering how in 2004 I was down to 12 and a half stones and wearing all kinds of mad clothes onstage, looking a feeling fabulous. Now here I was again, the cycle of loss and gain following its natural (for me) course. There was some hope on the horizon, the possibility of getting the gastric bypass on the NHS, but nothing was guaranteed.
To say I hated myself and my inability to control the most basic of functions is an understatement. I can recall staring at my obese naked body in the full length mirror in the hallway and punching myself in the stomach, repeating the mantra 'you fat c**t' over and over till I cried.
Of course luck (or karma) was on my side, and I got the letter telling me I was eligible for the op and in February this year I had it done. I'd managed to lost seven pounds before I went in for it and so on the day of surgery I weighed 19 and a half stones. I was terrified, but I knew I had no option but to have the operation. This was something I couldn't control on my own.
When I got out of hospital, people began to ask me if I had a target weight I wanted to get to. At that point, I'd have been thrilled to get to 14 stones perhaps. After a couple of months I allowed myself to dream I might get to 11 stones one day. On the height/weight charts that was the top end of acceptable, healthy weight for someone my height. Inside, I felt that perhaps I was being unrealistic, it'd been 25 years since I weighed that little and in order to reach it then I stopped eating for three months.
Slowly tho, the numbers on the scales began to go down, and down. I'd never been given a target weight by the surgeon, and that was probably a good thing cos whatever number they'd said in February would've felt unattainable.
Somewhere along the line tho, 11 stones did seem feasible, and I decided to set myself a more difficult target... The charts said anywhere between nine and 11 stones was good for me, so why not aim for the middle? I began to say out loud that my target was 10 stones, but a part of me never thought I would get near that figure.
Well this morning I broke the 11 stones barrier - just - I am 10st 13lbs! As I looked down at the numbers on my cheat-proof digital scales, I could barely take it in. I cannot remember the last time those numbers appeared on a set of scales I was stood on, but I suspect it was my very early teens.
People ask me if there's any downside to having this op. Other than throwing away more food than I can eat, the answer is no. I am healthier than I've ever been in my adult life - physically and mentally - I have energy like I can't ever remember having in the past, I have a confidence, vitality and zest for life I've never experience before.
As a Buddhist I believe in reincarnation, and I feel doubly blessed because I've been given a second shot at life whilst I'm still in this one! I truly have been reborn, and I like what I see.
Labels: Gigs
posted by JoJo Smith at Friday, November 23, 2007
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