Cor Blimey Guv! It's All Happening!

So, the plan was to carry on catching up with my adventures in Cambodia. I posted the first part and then went off to Vietnam for some ca phe (coffee with condensed milk) and pho bo (beef noodle soup). I know it seems a bit pretentious not just saying the bits in brackets but I love both of these things so much I don't want to trivialise them, so I use the correct Vietnamese words too. But then I don't want to be a prat so I translated them. 

Anyway back in the world. While I was away I got an email telling me that if I really, really, really wanted to make my solo Edinburgh Fringe debut, I had until next Wednesday (16/03) to fill in my registration form and hand over the 'discount' price of £300 for the pleasure.

As hopped up on caffeine and bovine bliss as I was, my hotel in Saigon was not the place to be carrying out such an endeavour. So I saw the sights, had a fabulous mani/pedi that still looks new almost a week later, and did what people do in that fantastic city.

Friday (yesterday) was my to do day. I was too knackered when I got home Thursday night to do much of anything, except load the washer (God I love having a washing machine when I'm away!). 

I was up bright and early, and did everything I could possibly do to distract myself from just sitting down and filling out this bloody form. All my fears about performing at the Fringe kept bubbling up like the worst kind of indigestion, and after all I had errands to run. 

Finally I ran out of distractions, so I switched the laptop on - this was no job for the iPhone no matter how advanced it was - and clicked on the link in the email.

It opened up the page and at first - for about a whole 30 seconds - it seemed simple. Then I began to do things other than type my name. The lovely man who is enabling this show to happen is currently in Adelaide where he's producing other shows, but I had no idea who else to contact when the fifth, or sixth, or was it the seventh hurdle brought me to a complete stop. 

He was actually in a show so couldn't do much to help, I posted a plea on Facebook and the only reply I got was from my good mate Martin Mor who had got himself in a bind with it all the other day. Nothing else to do, I clicked on the 'contact us' part of the page and within seconds an amazing person called Alix at the Fringe Office had remotely accessed my details, asked me for the info that I wasn't able to enter, and in the time it took me to have a wee, s/he had done it all for me! 

All that was left was to click on the 'pay us the money' page, and once that was done and my payment went through. I was spent. It'd taken me the best part of four hours to fill in this sodding form and my brain - still full of soup, coffee and sunshine - was burnt out. So much so, that I fell asleep about 9.30 last night and woke up about an hour ago, at 5pm! 

Then I noticed another email telling me to check and accept the proof, so I've just completed that and sent it off. All done.

Just time to write the show now!

Here's the first of many plugs folks

JoJo Smith

I Was Mick Jones' Bank Clerk

Upstairs at Cabaret Voltaire

18.45pm

15-28 August (inc)

Whasssss 'Appenin? Part One

Well then, it's been almost three weeks since I blogged. That has gone fast.

I've been getting about. I've been gigging! Get me!

First off I went to Cambodia for a week of gigging and ligging. It all began beautifully with an easy flight from Chiang Mai to Phnom Penh via Bangkok. It appears you can't even go to the loo without going via Bangkok over here. 

Anyway the flight was only 30 minutes delayed which is good going for Air Asia, and I was met by the magnificent Mr Dee, tuk tuk driver extraordinaire, and Daniel-Ryan Spaulding my co-star for the week. 

Luckily we weren't gigging that night so once we'd checked in at our fabulous hotel, the House Boutique Hotel, we had time to freshen up, and have a leisurely dinner with one of our hosts and bookers, the lovely Dan Riley. 

 Fabulous framed album sleeve

He took us off in Mr Dee's mean machine for a Cambodian feast, and it truly was. Of course I've forgotten the names of all the dishes but there wasn't a damn thing that wasn't amazing. We were joined for the meal by my old comedy chum Tony Morewood who is living a life of leisure in Phnom Penh these days, as well as dipping his toe back into the murky waters of stand-up.

It was a night of many beers for the lads, water for me, memories and reminiscences, as well as finding out the lay of the land from both Dan and Tony. We also got to meet our MC/tour manager for the week, Sam Thomas, a young American comedian with a great future ahead of him I believe.

The day's events caught up with me and I bailed around midnight, falling into my very comfy bed.

Early up the next morning as we had a four (plus) hour bus ride to Sihanoukville for the first show. Our vehicle - provided by another of the tour's sponsors Giant Ibis - was pretty cool and as comfy as any vehicle can be that you're sat in for a prolonged period of time. Of course every time I thought of the name I also thought of the Ibis hotel chain, but I can assure you these buses were way better.

We arrived at the beachside town of Sihanoukville around 3.30 and found the gig. This was made easier by Sam having been there before. There was a huge big poster outside but inside nobody seemed to be expecting us. Eventually we found someone who knew we were coming and they guided us towards the hotel. The hotel weren't expecting us either, I was sensing a theme developing. It says something about the experience when I say I can't recall the name of the hotel, I've stayed in worse for sure but it was the least lovely of the tour.

We went over to the gig early and met yet another "cook" *. Considering how many organisers this gig had it was possibly in my top 10 of disorganised gigs ever.

We found one guy who ironically was completely new to it all, and thus the most amenable. We set up a gig, there was even an audience and I got my first shock. Not only is smoking almost compulsory in Cambodia, and at £1 a pack I can see why, it's positively encouraged indoors! 

This was my first time ever doing a gig in a smoky room as a non-smoker, and now I totally get why my non-smoking friends used to complain back in the day. I had to shower when I got back to the hotel, the smell on my clothes and hair was just vile.

The gig, while certainly not vile, could've been better from all sides to be honest. The room was unsuitable, the audience mostly dragged in not knowing what to expect - and given that it seems to be perfectly ok to smoke dope openly - not caring much either. I was a bit freaked out by the whole experience but still managed to get some laughs thanks to the unstoned people in the room.

After breakfast the next morning I was happy to say goodbye to Sihanoukville. Perhaps under different circumstances it's a pleasurable place to visit, but it's not on my list of places to return to.


* As in too many of them spoil the frikken gig

Dubai-aiiiiii

So then…

When I got back from Thailand at the beginning of March I felt like I’d done enough travelling to last a while. I put my summer clothes away along with the suitcase I use for my major travels, thinking I might not see them again till 2013.

About a month later, I got an email from lovely Simon at the Comedy Store asking me if I fancied doing a run of gigs in the Middle East. To say that this came out of the blue is an understatement!

I replied with a ‘yes please’ and now here I am on day six into the 10 day gagfest, and I am having a bloody ball! I’ve had four of the best gigs I’ve ever had, in some of the most unusual circumstances, and I’ve gotten a reminder of how wonderful it feels to have the sun on your skin instead of cold rain.

Comedians are a relatively simple bunch of people within the showbiz family. We don’t need endless soundchecks or baskets of puppies and all white dressing rooms in order to give our all. We need a stage, a mike, some lights and an audience, that’s about it. If you add to that some amazing hotels and a couple of really friendly and organised promoters we’re the happiest bunnies in the universe. 

The people behind the Laughter Factory shows here in UAE have got it all spot on, and therefore all three of us are giving 100% when it comes to the shows. Another thing that makes for a good tour is the combination of comedians. The guys I’m out here with are fab, no hassles, no major egos, just grown-ups who are professional and chilled.

For the first of the three Dubai shows we experimented with me opening. The gig was fine but afterwards we all agreed that perhaps the audience needed to be a bit more ‘relaxed’ if they were going to be open to answering some of my questions. As a result we’ve gone for the tradition ‘girl-sandwich’ line-up since and I’ve had better and better gigs with each night that passes. 

On Saturday night we were in Bahrain doing the first of a new comedy night there and the audience mix was way more diverse than we’d had in Dubai where it’s been mostly ex-pats. To say I was nervous about doing my stuff to a more ‘traditional’ audience is an understatement! 

Wearing my H&M Does Marni Parka
for the gig in Bahrain

Rainer Hersch opened the show in his usual wonderfully witty way, and I sat at the back trying to gage the audience’s reactions to anything remotely racy. They seemed fine and they sure laughed a lot, but my ‘thing’ is way more blatant than his!

Apart from wanting to do well for my own sake, there was a pressure I put on myself that this was the opening night and if the audience took offense the gig might not have a second night! 

I am thrilled to report that all of my worrying was in vain. I had so much fun with the audience! One of my favourite parts was explaining what was wrong with the design of the Rabbit to two middle-aged (my age!) women in headscarves who, minutes earlier, didn’t even know what a rabbit was! After the show they thanked me for making them laugh so much!

Apart from the relief and joy I felt at doing a good job, I also got a buzz from my performance because it showed me just how far I’ve come on my comedy journey. A few years ago, I would’ve died on my arse with an audience like that. Not because of anything they did, or because my material was offensive. I would have died because I’d have been so freaked out that the charm would’ve gone and I’d have come across as just some old bird talking dirty. Nerves can be a fucker sometimes.

Sean Collins is closing the shows and of course he stormed it too - he really is bullet proof and so relaxed onstage he makes Sean Lock look like Lee Evans! Afterwards I lost count of the amount of people who thanked us for coming to town and giving them a great night. What a tremendous feeling that is!

The Deal Or No Deal One

So, the day before I turned 51 I was laid up in bed with one of those mystery ‘viruses’ doctors diagnose when they haven’t a bleeding clue what’s wrong with you, and I happened to check my junk mail box on my email account. 

A new mail had gone there directly, and when I opened it, it claimed to be from Endemol, the TV production behemoth. In the subject line was Celebrity Deal or No Deal Jimmy Carr  Special.

I read through and apparently Jimmy had nominated me as one of the 22 ‘celebrity box openers’ for a charity special he was filming on Good Friday (6 April). If I accepted the offer, myself and 21 other comedians from the circuit would get to appear on the cult C4 show hosted by one of my childhood icons Noel Edmonds.

I was giddy and intrigued. It was such an out-of-the-blue offer. As someone who’s been part-time on the circuit for the last couple of years due to a prolonged period of self-discovery and tan enhancement, I was amazed that any TV company was interested in using me onscreen for anything. 

I was intrigued because while I know Jimmy and worked with him a few times when he was on the circuit, I seriously doubted I was in his top 22 comedy chums of all time. It had to be a scam or a mate taking the piss. 

I know this makes me sound incredibly paranoid but it wouldn’t be the first time a ‘friend’ had done this to me. I was once on a quiz show with Jonathan Ross back when I was a journalist, I should’ve won a car but instead I got some of Elton John’s old platform shoes. The next day, my phone at work rang and a ‘producer’ from a TV company was offering me all kinds of televisual opportunities. Said ‘friend’ waited until I had told every single person I’d ever known before coming clean that it was a prank. Needless to say, that person is no longer a friend.

But I digress. How was I gonna work out if this was kosher? I replied to the email saying I would love to do the show, but it was dependent on me being able to get to my gig that evening. Within seconds, the researcher came back with train times from Bristol to Sheffield where the show was. If this was a hoax they were on the ball. 

I wanted to get on Twitter and ask my comedy pals if any of them had been asked, but if it was a genuine offer, then I risked pissing off those who hadn’t been approached, all of whom would suddenly have a better claim to being one of Jimmy’s pals than me. I asked one of my closest mates and he’d not been asked but he is secure enough for it not to matter. His advice was say nowt to no-one until you’re sure.

After a few days of exchanging emails and phone calls with the production company, I saw my mate Mark Olver online. I tweeted him asking if I’d be seeing him on Good Friday and got the response that I would. I should explain that Mark is the warm-up man for the show as well as a comedian, therefore bound to know if it was legit. 

I had my confirmation, now I could relax and plan what to wear. The rules were pretty comprehensive - no black, no white, no stripes, no sparkles, and of course no red as the boxes are red and you’d look like you just had the number on your belly. 

It was suggested that I wear what I might wear to go out to dinner on a Saturday night, but after almost 20 years of working every Saturday night, dinner for me was a sandwich back at the hotel or a selection of fried animal in a basket at the venues. In the end, my last choice of an old hippy-ish jacket was their first choice and everyone was happy. Me especially cos I didn’t even have to change the bottom half as it’s not seen onscreen.

I was asked my age, and when I responded that I was 51, the lovely girl on the phone came back with ‘can you stand unaided for two hours?’. ‘Of course I can’ I said, only mildly insulted, and of course the next day my raddled, arthritic hips began to play up making a mockery of my indignation.

Because the show was being filmed relatively early on Friday morning, we were asked if we’d like to come down the night before and stay in a hotel in Bristol. The majority of us jumped at the chance and those of us who didn’t have gigs on Thursday night met early and went for dinner. Afterwards, as we sat in the hotel bar drinking, bullshitting and catching up there was a steady stream of arrivals as comics who did have gigs began to arrive. None of us knew for sure who was taking part so it was quite exciting as one by one  the ‘cream of the circuit’ made their way to reception. It’s very rare that you get more than two or three comics in one place except the festivals, so for a gang this size to be together, was a real treat. 

We gossiped, laughed, bitched and traded gags and insults far later than we should have given the early call time. Truth be told we were all a bit excited, no matter how blase we pretended to be. A few of us were regular viewers of the show, and you can be as cynical as you like, when they get someone on who you connect with or care about, you get involved. Yes, it’s a game of chance, but that doesn’t stop you wanting someone who’s had a few bad breaks in life to win a decent amount of cash. I’d even been considering applying to be a contestant on it, though of course now I am ineligible.

After breakfast we were ferried by coach to the studios - on an anonymous Bristol industrial estate, and guided through the pre-show procedure. Wardrobe examined our three outfit choices, we were taken through the rules - you mustn’t touch the box till Noel tells you to, etc., and given a dummy run at opening the boxes. 

Now in reality it’s all very simple, all we had to do was not swear too much, be supportive of Jimmy, get involved in the game and open the box when he picked our number. Sounds easy doesn’t it?

Jimmy arrived and he seemed as excited/nervous as us. The pressure was on him to win big for his charity, the excellent Helen and Douglas House. They run hospices for children and here’s a link so that you can give them some dosh as well:

 http://www.helenanddouglas.org.uk/

As we were dressed and made up - a huge thanks to the make-up artists on the show, they made us all look bright eyed and bushy tailed - it was like an episode of Extreme Makeover as one by one sallow skinned and saggy eyed comedians emerged looking faaaaabulous darling!

Then we were led into the studio. The ‘pilgrims’ were already seated and Mark was doing a great job of warming them up. They were all wearing black and were far younger than I expected. You could tell the recognised one or two of us (not me) from telly, but they were as supportive of those of us they didn’t know too. 

A man came round with a bag of balls and we all had to choose one. This is how you get your box. Mine was 5 and said box was placed in front of me. As instructed, I didn’t touch it, but placed my hands either side and as I did, I noticed that the veneer of the wooden desk had disappeared completely in two hand-shaped spots. The sweat of hundreds of players had eroded the varnish!

Suddenly Noel Edmonds came out and it was very odd to see him in the flesh. As a child of the 70’s he was the voice I heard before I went to school in the mornings and the face I watched on Saturdays (well before Tiswas started). He almost didn’t seem real. He was though and off we went.

My box was chosen early on and in an only slightly mocking way I made comments about how my box felt full (phnar phnar) and how I was convinced that I had a huge amount of cash in there. Of course I didn’t have a bloody clue, but if there was 50p it would be funny and if I had the £250,000 I’d look psychic, win/win. Turns out I had the next one down - £100,000 and this prompted Jimmy to call me a witch. All good telly.

Once we got halfway through the game, the atmosphere changed, a lot of the big money was gone, taking with it the flippancy from most of us hard-bitten, cynical comedians. His charity is an amazing one and we all got gripped by the cult of DOND, even the most level headed of my comedy pals were starting to give a shit! We booed and hissed at the Banker’s derisory offers as well as his generous ones. Our boy Jimmy was going all the way and he was gonna take a bucket load of cash with him.

The whole crew

It’s really hard to describe why or how it happens but you do get totally sucked in, you forget that it is a series of numbers chosen at random, and that the outcome is one that’s purely down to chance. You begin to believe. You start to think that if you really want it bad enough the biggest box will the be the one the player has, and as blue after blue appeared we were all convinced that £35,000 was on it’s way to the charity.

In the end it was down to two numbers £35,000 and £750. Jimmy had turned his game around from a disaster to a potential success, surely the gods would be with him as Noel opened box 22? 

Sadly not, he didn’t have the big money Roger Monkhouse did, and I can’t begin to tell you how heartbreaking it felt. Seconds before the entire studio was infected with an elation I’d not felt in years, then bang! With the tearing of a bit of tape it was gone. 

There was talk of ‘we can do a benefit and make the money back’ and another suggestion after the show ends all 23 of us would post the link to Helen and Douglas House’s website so that everyone who watched the show or just gives a shit about children would click and donate. I’m going one further and putting it here too, again. Do it. You know it makes sense.

http://www.helenanddouglas.org.uk/

2011 What A Year!!!!!!!!

So then I’m fully aware that I have a ton of posts to add to my blog, and I will get around to it. I’ll be honest there’s a couple that I’m waiting for the dust to settle before I post all about my experiences with incompetent promoters, and the rest, well I’ve just been too damn busy doing Xmas shows! Thinking back to this time last year, I wouldn’t have thought I’d have written that last sentence. I was facing what I genuinely believed was my last ever gig - NYE 2010 - and looking forward to finding (or losing) myself in India. I was excited and fearful at the same time. Mentally I wasn’t in a great place at all, the deaths of my Dad and Jason Wood in February 2010 were still making it difficult for me to find joy in anything, and what I really wanted was to join them. So the trip to India was really about finding a reason to carry on. Of course I do depression in style, so I arrived in a sweltering Mumbai mid-January and proceeded to the Taj Palace hotel for a couple of nights before heading down to Goa. One of the best surprises was bumping into Camilla who 20 years earlier had sold me assorted bags, beads and god knows what else. She recognised me after all this time and I her. We both had tears in our eyes as we caught up on what’d been going on in the previous two decades.

From Goa it was onto Delhi for a fabulous trip spent with Rames, my driver and guide as I explored the delights of Delhi, Jaipur and Agra. I was speechless at the beauty of the Taj Mahal. I remember the last time I was in India saying that I would come back one day and see this place, now here I was achieving that. It was a really emotional moment.

Rames was concerned that I was heading off to the Osho Commune in Pune. Needless to say Osho doesn’t have a great reputation in his own country, even 20 years after his death. I wasn’t sure what to expect at all, every Indian person I mentioned it to referred to the old reputation he had as the ‘Sex Guru’ and seemed to think it was still a shagfest. If they were right, it was gonna be a dull old three months for me! I won’t go into all of the details of my time there (I’m sure if you scroll back it’s all here somewhere) but things did change, not least of all I turned 50 in March! Not in the way I wanted or even expected them to of course - life doesn’t work like that. Suffice to say that after 10 weeks in there I was reminded that I love doing comedy, and that I’m nowhere near as fucked up as I thought I was! Once that realisation had dawned I fired off a few emails to my favourite promoters and booked up a summer of gigs. My first one back was MC’ing Up The Creek - a perfect place to re-start. As I waited to walk up onto the stage, it suddenly hit me that it’d been more than five months since I’d done this and I got a frisson of nerves I’d not had for years. Within 30 seconds of being onstage it was like I’d never been away and I loved it! Sadly offstage I was dealt a pretty massive blow health-wise. It turned out that my aching and swollen joints are slowly succumbing to both osteo and rheumatoid arthritis. I cannot begin to tell you how much this has devastated me. Five years ago when I had the gastric bypass and lost half my body weight, the main incentive was so that I wouldn’t have too many health problems in my old age. Likewise I gave up smoking for the same reasons. Now here I am at 50 with Lupus and rotting bones and it really stinks. I’m on medication that is making me gain weight and most days my knees are too sore to do much to stem that. In what was an otherwise pretty crap summer for me there was one huge highlight. I was incredibly lucky enough to be able to go to Wembley and see Take That - all five of them for the first time since the 90's! It was a terrific experience.

Take That aside, it’s no wonder that I quickly booked a ticket to bugger off again in October. I decided to fund part of this trip by booking myself in for some gigs in Singapore and Indonesia during November and my return was planned for next summer. After a few weeks of doing gigs I was made an offer that was too good to refuse which resulted in me changing my flight to allow a six week trip back to the UK in December. It was 18 months since I was last in Bangkok and I’d really missed the place. I love the energy, the dirt and the gloss and the craziness. The first thing I did when I landed was head down to my favourite travel guy on the Khao San Road and book a return trip to the Tiger Temple. My goodness! If it was magical the first time round it was moreso this time! I handed over the extra cash and got to play with fully grown tigers in their swimming area, followed by giving one of them a shower and some dinner. Yep I hand fed a grown-ass tiger and felt no fear. How freaky is that?

From there I flew to Ho Chi Minh City and began my love affair with Vietnam and their delicious Pho Bo. I hadn’t planned it, but what with the floods in Thailand and the fact that it’s such a brilliant place I spent almost a month there. I did have a little side trip to Cambodia, a place I definitely want to see more of in the not too distant future. Angkor Wat was mindblowing!

Singapore was pretty much as I expected it to be, clean and shiny and the gigs were great fun, as was spending time with my pal Johnny Candon. Bali was a delight, so much so that I ended up spending longer there than I’d originally planned. It was also the place where different parts of my world came together - I was so lucky to be able to meet up with Aussie Tridzia whom I’d met in Kuala Lumpur the year before and also with my best pal from the ashram Danielle. It really meant a lot to see both of these amazing women and it brought home to me just how small this planet is.

On what would’ve been my Dad’s 85th birthday I flew back to the UK and hit the ground running as far as gigs were concerned spending most of December at Birmingham Highlight in the company of the fabulous Jackie Frost and a roster of some of my favourite comedy chums - and I got paid for all that fun. Christmas was what it was, I spent it in Hamburg in a very nice hotel that had a spa that was open on Christmas Day which meant I could experience my very first hot stone massage - it felt good but nowhere near as amazing as the Wat Pho massages I had in Bangkok - that’s a proper Thai massage! Now here I am on the day before New Year’s Eve and unlike this time last year, there’s no big life or death decisions to be made. What I have learned this year more than anything is that life isn’t Black or White, or Right or Wrong. Sometimes life just is and 2012 is gonna be full of all kinds of things I have no control over or even stuff I’ve not yet thought about, and that’s what keeps me going. Happy New Year!

So Then, That's It ... For Now!

Today is 1/1/11.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life. I am old enough to remember that being on a poster back in the 70's and thinking that it was a load of old hippy bollocks. This morning, when I woke up in that very basic room in Leicester a 6.45 (without an alarm!), I really did feel as thought something was different.

I know that, in reality, nothing's changed but the numbers on the calendar or on the clock, but it really does feel as though things have shifted significantly in my life as of today.

For one thing, I'm "retired" or "on a break" or whatever you want to call it, but for the first time in 17 and a half years there's not one marking in my diary that says "gig". I did rather think I might be sad when the end came, but, in the end I wasn't.

This could be down to the fact that my last gig was in a club and a city that has a million and one memories for me - both good and bad - I think that perhaps it was the perfect place to bow out for a while because although I'm always happy to work there and the audiences have never been less than fabulous, it is a place I'm kind of ok with never seeing again.

In my best efforts to be diplomatic, that is no reflection on Leicester, but the hotel is a shithole and just like every other single time I've played there over the years it took several changes of room to find one that was clean and didn't stink of stale piss and had lights that work. Oh I am very demanding when it comes to hotel rooms!

The club too, has seen better days. It looks a bit shabby and neglected (and has done for a good few years now) in spite of the wonderful staff's best efforts. There's some new kind of lighting rig there that had me convinced there'd been a power failure. I did extra time at the top of the show while I waited for them to fix it! Seems to me that - for most performers at least - you need to see some of the audience, and be seen by them! Call me crazy.


Anyway, even with all those things, I had fun onstage, the audience had fun, and I got to say bye to some more of my comedy chums. I was back in the hotel watching Jools' Hootenanny by 11.30 thinking "I could've been there". My good mate Steve had a spare ticket and asked if I'd like to go with him to the recording, sadly I was working.

This morning as I sat on the train that hurtled towards London with an almost unseemly haste, I really felt as though a whole new, positive chapter had begun in my life. I came home to an envelope jammed in my letter box informing me that I was due a fairly nice tax refund and then spent most of the day de-junking and scrubbing my kitchen. Not very glamourous, but incredibly satisfying!

2011 has already been kinder to me than the whole of 2010 put together, and the first day of the rest of my life has been a blast!

Like I've Never Been Gone...

After my glorious five weeks in the sun in SE Asia, I returned to 'frozen Britain' * and boy was it freezing!

Out came my floor length sheepskin coat from Joseph and on it went as I schlepped to Reading for my first gigs after a break of almost six weeks. That coat is sooooo warm, thank god I bought it.

The gigs were Christmas shows and as such had all the joys and horrors associated with the festive season. The joy was the time and a half pay, the horrors were a room full of people who mostly didn't want to be there.

I've written at length in previous years about Christmas gigs, so no need to re-hash it all here, suffice to say this year's are quieter as companies withdraw or cut back funding for the annual jolly, and a lot of the people seem to be wondering if they'll have a works do to go to next year. It's all a bit bleak out there folks.

Anyway this was my last weekend in Reading for the foreseeable future, and I was a bit sad saying 'ta ra' to Rich the fabulous sound man there, but as I stood shivering on the platform at Reading Station waiting for my train to London I was kinda uplifted by the thought that it will be a while before I do this again - if ever.

This weekend I was up in Glasgow for more of the same. Back in August I booked my BA flight from Heathrow. At the time I wasn't even sure that I was going to be taking this leap into the unknown and certainly didn't anticipate the snow that was about to cripple the country. I only booked BA cos at that time it was the cheapest.

So fast forward to last Thursday. Having monitored the situation at both Glasgow and Heathrow all week I was feeling very positive. They were both open, the BA website kept telling my the plane was taking off as planned, yada yada yada.

I got to Paddington and bought my Heathrow Express ticket. I was early, and cold, so I treated myself to my first bacon roll in years and was happily munching on it when my phone pinged. There it was the text from BA saying flight cancelled. No reason given. Both airports were open, every other flight in christendom was taking off and landing, just not mine. I clicked on the 'gimme a refund you useless cunts' button on the BA website then went to get a refund on my Heathrow Express ticket. Of course I have to send it off and wait for that refund.

Assorted hours spent online and on the phone and I was assured that the 13.30 Virgin train was running all the way to Glasgow Central and it was due in at 6pm. Even if it was delayed I'd make it for the gig, so off I went to catch a bus. Outside in Praed Street the road was empty apart from assorted police vehicles - bomb scare. Back down to the tube - severe delays. Somebody was trying to tell me something!

Anyway I got there and the gig on Thursday night was brilliant fun. It was full of students from Caledonian University and they were high as hell on Sunny Delight or something cos they screamed from start to finish! Their energy carried me through the whole night.

Could've used some of that energy on Friday night as the audience there really did seem like hostages - they soooooo didn't want to be there! It was like the Guantanamo Comedy Club! Saturday was better and we all had a cracking night.

My journey back started promisingly, I was at the station early and there was an extra train laid on, so I didn't have to hang about on the station. I also got a table seat to myself in First Class. I was more than happy to hand over my £15 for the upgrade.

By Preston, things changed. First Class was "declassified" but no refund for me. I was in a quiet coach but by Warrington when a gang of "excitable young ladies" got on with their crates of Lambrini it was no longer quiet. At Tamworth we ground to a halt and sat there for an hour due to a signal failure. I was sooooo happy to see the very crowded concourse at Euston!

I was even happier to see my lovely flat. It was warm as I'd followed the guidelines and left the heating on while I was away to stop anything freezing. All the hassles of the weekend evaporated as I chilled out in the warm. At 10pm I heard a 'shudder', the boiler stopped. Just shut down. I rang the emergency call-out number to be told nobody would come till today. I layered up again and go into bed as the last of the warmth seeped out of my flat, and read until sleep (or was it hypothermia) took me.

So here I am today, wearing more clothes in one go than I wore during the entire weekend in the snow! I can see my breath and my joints are slowly seizing up (cheers Lupus). Say a prayer for me folks.






*The Sun

Goodbye To The Glee

So the last two weekends have been spent saying au revoir to several very special people in my life; the staff at both the Birmingham and Cardiff Glee Clubs.

In the last 16 years since Birmingham opened I have been gigging there on a regular basis. Not as regular as I would have liked, but then I know I am not alone in that sentiment!

From the very first weekend I did with Ivor Dembina as MC and Ian Stone as headliner I can honestly say I’ve never felt more welcome at any comedy club anywhere! Onstage and off.

On the Saturday night of that weekend Ian and I sat with a group of girls who were out and making merry. It was the end of January, and we were all getting pretty sloshed. One of the girls leaned over to Ian and slurred the legendary words “do yao know who yao look loik? Yao look loik Tom Cruise, yao do”. I’d just taken a mouthful of Budweiser and sadly sprayed it all over the table, before collapsing with laughter.

Over the years staff have come and gone, and each of them were special and kind in their own ways. People like Matt who ran the bar in the early days and presided over a very drunken after-hours session that Tim Vine, Dylan Moran and myself had. That night was special cos it saw Tim introducing me to the delights of the notorious Mr Egg. As I recall, that night they were running low on eggs.

In the early days I got to play there a lot, one year I recall making 12 different trips up there, all over them fabulous. There were the all girl bills, one of which was the delightful Jo Enright, Mandy Knight, Helen Austin and me. Mandy and Helen had had some kind of falling out previously and so sisterhood was not present in the dressing room that night. We all had cracking gigs though.

The club is wonderful for all kinds of reasons. It’s run properly for a start. Yes, they’re a business and yes they need to sell food and beer and make money, but the focus has always been on the comedy. All of the technical needs are met, thanks to the ever-fantastic Tim who makes sure everyone In the audience can see and hear what’s going on onstage.

Over the years the dressing rooms have improved enormously. I think initially it was a case of the comics chilling in the staff cloakroom, but then one year Jack Dee was coming road test new material and suddenly we all benefitted from a shiny new dressing room converted especially for his residency.

The two people who make sure that all of our needs are met are Alastair and Griffy, who really are the Hinge and Bracket of comedy. They’re always there to greet you as you arrive, always smiley no matter what might be going on in their personal lives, always genuinely happy to see you.

Over all these years it really has become like visiting family for me. A dysfunctional family of course, but family all the same.

Cardiff hasn’t been going as long, but it’s also endeared itself to me. Eight years ago Lee who ran the bar at Birmingham (Matt having left) was sent west to oversee operations, and his warmth quickly made the club yet another date in the diary that I’ve looked forward to with huge anticipation. I’ve never once been disappointed.
There’s something about the way the clubs are run, that rubs off on the audiences too. These are the same people that go to comedy every where else (well everywhere else there’s not a Glee Club that is), but here they behave themselves. There’s no nastiness, any heckling usually adds to the show, and hanging out with them afterwards is a dream.

Of course I cannot write about these clubs without mentioning the man who made them possible, the lovely Mark Tughan. When Birmingham first opened he was an eager young man finding his way in the world. As the years have gone by, he’s grown up, gotten married and even had a child. He’s also opened another two clubs in Oxford and Nottingham, the latter of which sadly I’ve not had the pleasure of playing.

I have so many wonderful Glee Club memories, enough to fill several blogs, or even a book. Weeks of Christmas shows that actually made me look forward to Christmas, New Year’s Eve gigs that were better nights out than any I’d had pre-comedy, the laughs offstage and on.

As much as I am excited about my newest adventures, I am more than a bit sad to be saying goodbye to my friends at The Glee Club.

Bye guys, and thank you xx

Back In The Saddle

Soooo fresh from my CELTA, I literally dashed off to Watford Junction on Friday night for my first gig in a month.

Things have changed since I was last there, both the club and the dressing room have been done up, as you can see.



I must say the TVs on stage with the moving Highlight logo are rather distracting for the audience trying to watch the comics, but other than that it looks fabulous!

I was nervous and excited about going onstage, but within 30 seconds of being up there it was like I'd never been away. I had a ball.

Another change is that on Fridays we had two comedians and a compere, instead of three. This would've been a good thing had we started on time. As a slave to London Midland railways that makes all the difference between getting home safely and being a crime statistic!

Anyway, it was great to be back and brilliant to see both Tom Wrigglesworth and Chris McCausland make everyone laugh.

Saturday night I was right back there and we had the full complement of comedians. We also started on time - hurrah! I got to see my old mate Harvey Oliver, as well as Johnny Katz and Gordon Southern who I've not worked with for a very, very long time. Fabulous!

There's a sense of 'counting down' for me now, I've got about 20 gigs left before I wander off into the Indian wilderness, and as a result I'm enjoying every single one.

Fun Time

So last weekend I was gigging at The Comedy Cafe for the first time in a while, and what a blast I had.

It's the club's 20th anniversary year, and so some of the comedians who started out playing here have returned to say thank you to the wonderful Mr Noel Faulkner who's run the gaff from the start.

Thursday night I was on with the amazing Terry Alderton who said its been nearly 20 years since he last gigged here. He tore the room up as usual. Alan Francis was on too, who I haven't seen work for a looooong time. He was on cracking form too. He's been doing more acting than stand-up recently, but he's back with some terrific material and a renewed sense of confidence.

Inspired by the comedy talent I even improvised a whole new bit myself!

Friday and Saturday I was on with Ed Byrne, Simon Fox and Tommy Campbell. Another trio I've not seen or worked with for ages. Ed and I used to play here regularly before his career took off and I have to say it was an utter joy to see him on that stage again. He was running in new material and it was terrific stuff.

Simon and Tommy were on great form too, and the audiences loved the entire night, judging by the feedback I got afterwards.

Thank you Noel and here's to your next 20 years!

Having A Ball...

So far 2010 is a year of massive re-assessment for me .

Deaths of friends and family have made me rethink how I live my life. I've tended to prevaricate and postpone most major decisions until circumstances force me to change.

I'm not doing this so much these days. Life really is too short and I owe it to myself and loved ones I've lost to make every day count.

This is translating to my comedy and my performances. I'm getting so much more out of every gig I do and - obviously - giving so much more, and I love the reaction it gets!

This weekend I was at The Glee Club in Cardiff for the first time in a loooong time, and on Friday instead of MC'ing I did a set and used the opportunity to try out some new stuff I'd been working on. The response it got told me I was on the right track. A lot of my self-doubt was banished, by just going for it.

Since I've Been Back ....

... I ain't bleeding stopped!

I came back to a mountain of mail regarding all my Dad's affairs, but had little time to sort them out. No sooner had I unpacked and done the holiday washing, than I was packing again to go and do a weekend in Manchester!

I was on at The Frog and Bucket, and had so much fun. The lovely Jeff Innocent was on too and I've not worked with him for ages. He's really on fire onstage at the moment and we had a right laugh offstage too.

I'd booked the Crown Plaza to stay, mainly cos I got a deal and I collect the Priority Club points, but it turned out to be even better cos its a stone's throw from the gig! Result.

As usual the shopping was divine, tho I purposely brought a small case to stop me going insane, and on the whole I was fairly restrained for me. Until Saturday afternoon when I was on my way back to the hotel and stumbled upon a Marahrishi sample sale!

I've coveted a pair of their combats since the All Saints days when those four were never seen without them - not cos I wanted to be in All Saints, but cos the combats were awesome! Two things stopped me having them then - price and sizes - I was too poor and too fat!

Not anymore tho! Well not too fat! I got a pair of awesome trousers and a gorgeous parka, both at approximately a quarter of their original price. Still not pennies, but affordable. Go me!

Back from Manchester on Easter Sunday - eventually - the obligatory bus/train/camel train/bus again journey that Virgin specialise in on a Bank Holiday. I must be blissed out still from Thailand cos I didn't get wound up at all!

On Easter Monday I went back to the fantastic Hazel at Urban Retreat at Harrods to get my eyebrow touch-up done. I shoulda had them done weeks ago, but life got in the way. You would think there'd be a great deal of pain involved in having your eyebrows tattooed on, but for the second time I fell fast asleep. Not sure if this was down to the numbing creme or my exhaustion, but it was good, and they look magnificent!

Tuesday saw me succumbing to more pain. About six months ago I noticed a lump on my groin and was more than mildly concerned. A trip to the doctor's confirmed it was a hernia, and finally the day arrived to have it fixed.

Bearing in mind I wouldn't be able to exercise for ages, I walked to St Mary's Hospital and by 11am I was being injected with "something to make me sleep".

The nurse said think of something lovely, and just as I was conjuring up images of Phi Phi Don, "Knocking on Heaven's Door" came on the radio!!!!!!! Not what you wanna hear as you're about to be knocked out. I had an oxygen mask on so couldn't point it out to them sadly.

Anyway, it turns out not to have been a sign, cos by 1pm I was in recovery bitching about the headache I had. By 4pm I was nibbling on a tuna sarnie and looking at the unshaven face of my mate Mickey who'd turned up to take me home. Its a health and safety thing I guess that if you've had anaesthetic you can't go home alone.

Mickey, bless him, brought me back and I got into my own bed at 5.30 on Tuesday afternoon. I didn't get out of bed really till Friday morning!

I had to get out then, cos I was off to work. This time it was Portsmouth where I was doing the Highlight club (formerly known as Jongleurs). I was MC'ing which was just as well cos the post-op painkillers had me a bit spacey. I doubt I could've concentrated for a whole 20 minutes!

I had a cracking line-up to introduce - Charlie Baker, Tanya-Lee Davis, and my old mucker Curtis Walker - so my job was fairly easy. Well once I'd gotten the audience focussed it was! Took me 20 minutes at the top on Saturday night to do just that!

Saturday daytime saw me making the most of the gorgeous sunshine by wandering round all the shops at GunWharf Quays. I even got some genuine bargains at the Gap outlet.


My old mate Jez let me know via Facebook that Portsmouth were involved in some kind of football match yesterday at Wembley, and god bless him for telling me! I decided to get the early train out and even that was rammed!

How on earth can anyone drink Fosters at 7.30am and think this is a good thing?????? There was no trouble, but it really was a cattle wagon and the train company did nothing to police it. Shame on you!

Got into my house by 10.30 and I was in my bed by midday. Turns out I'm not as healed from the op as I thought I was, cos barring being awake for about an hour yesterday early evening, I didn't wake up till 6.30 this morning!

Glee! Glee! Glee! I Am Just Full Of Glee!!!

As anyone who has even browsed my posts will know, The Glee Club in Birmingham is perhaps my favourite gig in the world ever, and I was lucky enough to be the MC there last weekend.

What a treat it was! The line-up included John Moloney, Ben Norris, Sarah Millican and fleeting appearances from Andrew Lawrence and Andi Osho. Now you'd expect at least one of us to have at least one ropey gig over the entire weekend, but we didn't. Not one of us, not once! It was sheer bliss both onstage and off from start to finish. On Saturday I even got to hook up with the other comics who were appearing at the Highlight in Birmingham for lunch - here's to Paul Sinha, Martin Mor and Marty McLean.

And onto another type of Glee Club, the one on the telly. Now as we all know, I am only a penis away from being a very camp gay man, so me loving this E4 show was pretty much a given. What I wasn't expecting was just how much I would love it! Its like a dose of sunshine on a bleak winter's Monday night, and show four - the "Single Ladies" episode - is my tv highlight of the year! I know its only January, but if anything is gonna top Kurt's kick on the football field, its gonna have to be pretty special!

Hotel From Hell

So I am writing this on the train back to London. I've spent the weekend in Edinburgh working at the new Highlight Famous For Comedy Club. Phew! What a mouthful! The bill was great - me as MC, Kevin Hayes aka "the Man of a Thousand Voices", Gavin Webster who has a new bit that is just awesome but one that he'll never be able to do on telly sadly, and Brian Higgins who is on cracking form at the moment. The gigs were fantastic, each in their own distinct way, and Edinburgh is still one of the most gorgeous cities in the world, even if the weather was rubbish!

The only blackspot on the whole weekend was the hotel. We were booked into the Thistle St James and they had supposedly done a deal with the club to give us a discount rate. Well, that "discount" was £99 a night so as you can imagine I was expecting something pretty exceptional for my money. After all, it was a wet weekend in January and the hotel was nowhere near full capacity.

This was the second room they gave me, the first believe it or not wasnt as good as this!





These were all the lovely yummy goodies they provided



This was the luxurious shower




Now I know you might find it hard to believe, but I am seriously not a diva. However, I posted those photos on Twitter and soon had some of my followers offering to form an escape committee to come and spring me. One follower actually did a websearch and found me a different hotel! All of them were horrified that any hotel could charge that amount of money for such a dreadful room.

Anyway, I stuck it out and am finally homebound on this train

A First For Me

So this weekend I was gigging at one of my favourite clubs in the country, The Last Laugh in Sheffield.
I always have fun there and thanks to Toby Foster and Jules who run it, I'm always well looked after.

This weekend that turned out to be more important than usual as I found myself away from home and sick as a dog!

On Tuesday night I went to the Comedian's Christmas Do(n't) at The Bedroom Bar. A yearly event organised by the fabulous Susan Murray and the equally fabulous Michael Legge, in which all the comics who can be arsed gather together for a catch-up. I'd never been before, so I made a special effort to go this time. I'm so glad I did. It was great to see tons of people I haven't seen in aaaaaaaages!

Sadly tho, I suspect I picked up a little germ there too, cos by Wednesday morning I was feeling more than a bit grotty. Nothing specific, but a bit of a cough, a bit of a tickly throat and just not "right". It was a snowy, horrid day on Wednesday anyway so I stayed indoors and just took it easy.

By Thursday, as I was Sheffield-bound, I felt more than a bit iffy. Sneezing, coughing, sweating, the whole nine yards. Luckily for me I was on first every night so could do my set, then come back to the lovely new hotel they've found for us.

Thursday night I did just that, but Friday morning I felt worse. I slipped on my clothes and trekked through the rain to Boots. The nice lady sold me some Day and Night Nurse capsules and I went back to bed till showtime.

What I didn't know is that all those pills kinda foggy up your mind, and Friday night I kinda dug myself into a comedy hole I couldn't really get out of. I was seriously relieved when I saw my time light! I didn't die but I sure as hell didn't storm it. I heard later on that nobody stormed it tho, so perhaps it wasn't all me.

Saturday I just stayed in bed all day, trying to sleep/sweat it out, but I went to the gig still feeling like crap. I did however, go on determined to rock the joint no matter how sick I felt. And I did!

If I hadn't been out of town, I would've cancelled my Friday and Saturday night gigs, I really felt that ill. What this weekend has taught me is that I can do it. Even when I'm not 100%.

That's a cool lesson to learn.

Off With A Bang!

So this weekend saw the first proper gigs of 2010 after all the festive performances, and I couldn't have picked a better place to start than the Covent Garden Comedy Club @ Heaven, here in London. It really ticks all the boxes, good space, staff who give a shit, good mannered audiences and dead easy to get to. Result!

Friday night I opened the show. I had a great time and felt right at home on the stage. The icing on the cake was that I was back home in my pj's watching Big Brother by 9.30!

On Saturday night I was on in the middle - aka the 'sweet spot' - and boy was it sweet! I felt like a comedy superstar, and could've easily stayed on the rest of the night! As a bonus I also got to see my old mate Andrew Maxwell doing his thang - wonderful as always! Kudos to Matt Price too who was doing his first MC'ing weekend there. Sterling work fella.

Happy New Decade!!!!!!!!

Sooooo here we are in the next bit of the new millenium, which isn't as new as it was 10 years ago of course.

Since my return from Berlin I've been in Crimbo Limbo, not knowing which day is Bank Holiday and which day isn't, often just not knowing what day it is at all. Most of them have felt like Sundays to be honest.

I went back to yoga last week for the first time in nearly three weeks. Amazing how quickly you get stiff ain't it? It felt good to get back to it, there were only two classes last week but I made it to both. I also made it to the gym a couple of times which was awesome too! Especially my trip the morning of NYE when one of the guys who works in the gym asked me if I used to be a ballet dancer! To say I was incredibly flattered is something of an understatement! I'm still glowing a bit inside when I think of it.

Of course me being me, I didn't just say "no, but thank you", I said 'no love, I used to be 20 stones". One of these days I really will learn to take a compliment. He said he thought I must have been a dancer because of my posture. Just goes to show what yoga can do for a gal! I hadn't even noticed how my posture had improved. Hell a few years ago I wouldn't have even passed for a belly dancer, never mind a ballet dancer!

New Year's Eve was fantastic. I was working, which is always a result for me. You can't not have a good one when you wake up on New Year's Day with a bag full of cash! I was at The Glee Club in Birmingham which as you all know by now is my favourite club ever, and was one with a great bunch of guys including Sean Collins and Andy Robinson. Champagne was consumed afterwards and a great time was had by all.

I'm back to work properly next week, and looking forward to it too, but it's been lovely having this break. Its been a time to rest up - the extreme cold seems to affect the lupus - and a time to just reflect on my life.

This isn't a time for dramatic changes, but a rather dramatic shift has taken place in the way I view the world and see my place in it.

Home Again

Soooooo a wonderful time was had in Berlin. It was the perfect anti-dote to the year and even tho I got about 40 minutes' sleep the night before my flight (7am!) I still feel well rested. Judging by the huge leap in visitors to my website you've enjoyed hearing about it all too! Either that or just avoiding family by farting about on the 'net!

I was at Tegel Airport very early yesterday morning, after the "firecracker" incident I assumed that all airport security would be stepped up, leading to delays for all. Not so! Oh well better safe than sorry. The pat down seemed a little bit more 'intimate' but that was it. I was in Heathrow by 8.30 and on the train to Paddington by 9am. Perfect.

My luggage came through fairly quickly, but the Baggage Reclaim hall at Terminal 1 was like a suitcase graveyard. Every bit of floorspace was taken up by cases! Not sure why, surely nobody's that excited that they forget to pick up their luggage????

Anyway it was all good and here I am 24 hours later, like I've never been away!

Thought you might like to see some random photos I took while I was away...

La La Liverpool

Soooo here I am, on the train in my bargain first class seat, and I am online! For free! How awesome is that? It feels like I am living in the future!

My Liverpool weekend was just amazing from start to finish. I had an incredible deal at my hotel, I got three nights in a 4* hotel for £60 total cos I had so many loyalty points. And now that I am a non-smoker they gave me a really amazing room with an enomous bed and writing desk and huge bathtub! The hotel also had a fabulous gym, pool and sauna suite, which I made full use of.

The gigs at Comedy Central @ Baby Blue were amongst the best I have ever had, especially Saturday night's which was so much fun. The line-up also included Chris Ramsey who is a fantastic up-and-coming act and a great MC, the lovely Chris McCausland and Mat Price, who I'd not seen before but enjoyed immensely. The audiences were wonderful and 'got' everything I said!

Its been a couple of years since I've gigged in the city and boy, has it changed!!!!!!! Entirely for the better too. The marvellous new Liverpool One development meant that on Friday I had somewhere to have lunch with the gorgeous Johnny Candon who was performing at the Rawhide comedy club, and on Saturday I had an endless selection of shops to visit!

Saturday also saw me take in a visit to the Tate Liverpool, where I saw three fabulous exhibitions - the Mark Rothko Seagram paintings, the Michael Landy/Tinguely show, and a terrific sculpture exhibition that took up two floors and was filled with all kinds of brilliant stuff! If you live anywhere nearby you really owe it to yourself to take a look. You don't even have to pay!

How Exciting!!!!!!!!

So tomorrow I am off to do some gigs at Baby Blue in Liverpool.

Its been ages since I played in the city and I am really looking forward to it. Not only do I have a fab hotel with a gorgeous pool and gym, but there's also some great exhibitions on at the Tate and the Walker Galleries. All being well I should be seeing work by Michael Landy, Mark Rothko, and Bridget Riley!

All that and a chance to show off for cash too!