Buddha Park!!!!!!

So today I was very, very, very adventurous. I didn't realise at the outset that I was going to be, but in my newfound way of just 'going with the flow' I set off on my outing without too much thought about what I might entail.

Breakfast at the hotel is delicious and with views like this how can they not be?

After I'd finished my second cup of coffee and another chapter of Hitch-22, I got a tuk tuk to the bus station. This was the start of the adventure, I love riding in these things!

All I knew once I got there was that I must catch a number 14 bus. The whole area was rammed with all kinds of people, tourists, schoolkids, housewives with their bags and bags of shopping - one woman had a huge back of the evilest looking chillies I'd ever seen - gigolos, and monks, lots and lots of monks. As luck would have it, I spotted a number 14 and with only a couple of empty seats I figured it was about due to leave.

Silly me, it was far from ready to set off, after all there were not only empty seats but also empty floor space and copious amounts of oxygen not being used up yet! The fare to the Buddha Park was 5000Kip, about 40p, for a journey that was a fair way out of town. My tuk tuk to the bus station was 25,000Kip so to say this bus was cheap was an understatement! The best bit, and a really telling part of my experience of this lovely country, is that you paid when you got off. How trusting!

The driver began to re-arrange people's limbs and luggage in order to cram as many passengers as possible in, and he succeeding in doubling the amount of people this 15 seater mini-bus could transport! Nobody complained, young men got up off their seats so that old women could be comfy, I tucked my enormous western limbs up inside the tiny space my single seat afforded me so that people could crowd in and hold on. Soon enough we were off! There's a lot to be said about a country where the phrase 'health and safety' means sod all. I guess the fact that it's Buddhist country helps, if your bus crashes, it's your karma innit?

Random people shouted out something that sounded like "whoa" when they wanted to get off and the bus would just stop, they would then pass their Kip through to the driver via the other passengers, before he lurched off again. The big disembarkation spot was Friendship Bridge which is the border crossing for Thailand. This was an incredibly well developed spot, with even a massive Duty Free shop. Sadly there are no photos because until half the bus got off I couldn't move my hand to get my camera out of my bag!

Not long after the bridge we were close to the Buddha Park. I could tell because soon there were only three of us left on the bus and we were all westerners. We didn't have to shout "whoa" cos the driver knew we were getting off. He stopped and I paid and I was so excited!

I also was in desperate need of a loo. Ooooh now there was another adventure! I paid 20p for the privilege of pissing down my leg! Here's a tip, if you're gonna build a squat toilet, at least put a window or a lightbulb in there! God bless the Wet Wipes that I'd bought in the Japanese Pound Shop back in Borneo!

This is the first thing you see in the park, I'm not entirely sure what part of Buddhist mythology it portrays, or indeed if it is Buddhist, because there's some Hindu statues here too. You can however climb inside it's mouth and crawl around in the dark up to the peak. After the loo, I'd had enough crawling in dark holes, so I declined this treat.

The park is perhaps the most bizarre thing I've seen, ever. It's kind of like a "Buddha World" dozens and dozens of statues that look thousands of years old but are in reality around fifty years old, all built by some bloke who was run out of town not long afterwards. He moved to Thailand and built another park full of statues there. Odd.

Fabulous though and while there's no money being left as offerings on the statues here, there are other gifts left for the Buddhas including weirdly, this half-eaten Cumberland sausage!

I took photos of every statue but even as I looked back at them to choose ones for this post, I was unable to count just how many there were, its crazy, but it's fabulous.

If you ever find yourself in this part of the world you must visit!

Once I'd had my fill of Buddhas, I went out and the up the road was a 14 bus heading towards Vientiane, I stuck out my hand as I'd seen the locals do, and shouted "whoa". I think I may be fitting in here!

The bus back to town was a bit quieter!

My Mekong Madness!

So a gazillion years ago when I first began to work on Fleet Street, in the good old days when the Evening Standard was in the Daily Express building aka the Black Lubianka, I read a book called Dispatches by Michael Herr. It was all about the Vietnam war and it made me wish I'd been a journalist in those days and instead of reviewing Kajagoogoo albums for Smash Hits, I wanted to visit the places he wrote about.

I think it was in 1983 or so that I read it, and while the drugs he wrote about were available and imbibed by me on many occasions - including some cracking acid while watching Bowie on the Modern Love tour at Milton Keynes Bowl - I never imagined that one day I might actually see the Mekong River or visit any of the countries that were so vividly described in the book.

But it just goes to show that you never know what the future might hold because here I am, on the banks of the Mekong, writing my very own 'dispatch' and nothing I've read could have prepared me for the sheer awesomeness of the place.

I'd heard that Vientiane - which is where I am - the capital city of Laos, was sleepy, peaceful even, but wow it exceeds all of its pre-publicity.

I left Kuala Lumpur at lunchtime and by late afternoon here I was, sitting by the river watching the amazing sunset you see above. It was almost heartbreaking in its beauty. My guest house booking was a bit screwed up but its a testament to the vibe of the place that I didn't make a huge deal about it, and as a result the situation was resolved and I got a free night's stay.

It might be a city in name but after the hustle and bustle of Kuala Lumpur (and indeed London) Vientiane has more of a village feel, and is wonderfully under-developed. There's no Maccy D's, no Starbucks - although there is a hugely overpriced branch of the Thai brand True coffee, the only place in town that charges for internet access and serves the worst coffee in Vientiane - no huge brand names of any kind. The entire city centre can be traversed on foot, though the cute little tuk tuks are worth a go just because they are really.

There's not a lot to buy except coffee and pastries which is a welcome legacy from the French, and generally delicious food from all over the world not just SE Asia. There's a 'morning' market that runs most of the day, and a shopping centre that sells plastic in all of it's incarnations - plastic 'leather' handbags, 'plastic' gold and silver jewellery, 'plastic' handicrafts. The little shops dotted around town are a much better bet if you do want to stock up on carvings and fabrics.

What they do have a lot of, is temples or Wats, the whole city is Temple-tastic and every single one I have found is fabulous. There seems to be one every five yards and there seems to be barely enough monks to go round! There's something very special about sharing space in the Sim with them though, I felt a great sense of peace praying alongside them.

It's not just the big, fabulous temples, everywhere there are these lovely little shrines that people have outside their homes and businesses.

Another legacy of the French is that all of the 'streets' are either Rue this or Boulevard that, and with the exception of about three roads the rest are little more than dirt tracks! Marvellous!

Also, the scruffiest of houses will have a pair of doors that wouldn't look out of place in a palace.

Even the milk cartons are cute!

Another Buddha - according to a guide I had in Thailand years ago, this one represents my 'Buddha-nature', seems fitting.

And finally, I love the smell of the Mekong in the morning

Even More Monkey Business!

It’s probably pretty apparent by now that I have a love of primates that’s bordering on the obsessional.

My sole reason for coming back to Malaysia was to see the Orang-utans in Borneo because I’d missed out on seeing them two years ago.

The removal of the ‘back fat’ was something I’d been keen on getting done, but if I’d already seen the orangs I wouldn’t have had the op here I don’t think. It was a case ‘well if I am gonna go see the monkeys, I may as well get that skin removed too’ rather than the other way around!

Anyway, I got my Orang-utan fix but you know me, there’s no such thing as too many monkeys, so my trip last Thursday to Kuala Selangor was a real high spot in my stay.


I did this outing two years ago, and while it’s sold as a trip to see the fireflies, it was the Silver Leaf Monkeys that made it special. I had a huge fear of boats and I’d had a massive body lift so last time I had the perfect excuse not to do the boat part. I just sat on the jetty nattering with another woman who was scared of drowning in a muddy river in the pitch darkness.

This time I had no such excuse but was curious as to whether I’d actually get in the boat, but that was for later. First it was time to get on the bus.

There were six of us on this outing, all of whom had had some kind of ‘work’ done. The drive out of the city is fascinating as glass and concrete high-rises melt away to shanty suburbs, then country where nothing but palm trees are growing to provide the relentless market for the palm oil.

It was a bit like a school outing, with laughter and our driver Richard, singing songs with us. Ninety minutes or so later we were at the lighthouse/lookout area where the monkeys congregate.

I was straight out of the bus and off to buy my monkey food. I loaded up, and walked about three steps before I was full of monkeys! They were leaping onto my back and shoulders, my head, everywhere! I was in heaven. I was talking away to them like they understood me, and of course there’s a part of me that believes they actually do.


I bought more beans, and bananas, and sweet potato so they got a very balanced meal. There were other monkeys there who have reddish-fur and it looks like they’re wearing blue eyeshadow. The adults are quite stocky and they look like they could take the Silver Leafs in a fight but there’s more Silver Leafs than there are “eyeshadow” monkeys so they kinda co-exist. I really loved being here with them. I don’t think I could ever tire of this experience, maybe I’d get bored after a year or two, who knows?


Sadly, nobody else shares my obsession so after an hour or so it was back on the bus to the river’s edge for dinner. It was the same restaurant we went to last time but blimey the area around it has been developed! There was just a few shacks and the restaurant before, now it’s a whole village with shops and stuff. The food was awesome, prawns, chicken, crab, rice, greens, fish all delicious.

After dinner it was dark enough, so we drove to the Firefly dock. We parked up and Richard said to leave our bags in the bus, just take cameras. How amazing to be able to leave your bags in the car and no fear of being robbed. I expect that will come, there’s bag snatching going on in KL now so I guess it’s just a matter of time before this practice is stopped. In the distance there was a make-shift mosque for the Muslim workers and we could hear them praying, it sounds so wonderful and adds to the atmosphere of this place.

Once we were life-jacketed up, it was do or die. Even walking right up to the end of the dock I wasn’t sure, but I did it! I was terrified as I climbed into the boat, but determined to do it, and off we went.

Eventually I relaxed enough to let go of the side of the boat with my death grip. I looked around me, we were knee deep in fireflies! It’s a pretty amazing show, the trees light up like they have thousands of fairy lights on them, and added to that we had lightening going off in the distance. It was like a Pink Floyd gig. The gondolier picked a firefly off the tree for us to hold in our hands, amazing. I was expecting a dull glow but they properly light up. Their bodies look like they have a tiny filament in them just like in a Christmas tree light.

We were on the boat for about 30 minutes and I felt like I was re-enacting the scene in Apocalypse Now where they go up the Mekong in search of Col Kurtz. Exciting but draining as hell for me. I have to say it was a massive relief to get off the boat and take off the lifejacket. It was only about 8.30 but I was spent.

Another challenge met, another fear faced. Result.

Ascent Into Hell

This weekend it's Deepawali here in Malaysia (and, I'm guessing, everywhere else in the world) and every hotel lobby and shopping mall has these gorgeous displays celebrating it. I'm not that up on the Hindu religion but it seems a very positive and upbeat, and that might sound a bit patronising but it's not meant to be.

As a result this has been a holiday weekend for everyone in Kuala Lumpur it seems, so along with just about everyone in KL I took a trip up to the Genting Highlands yesterday.

This is an 'entertainment resort' and I must say that their website does them little justice. I thought it looked a bit tacky, but a trip out of town and up into the hills along with the chance to visit a Chinese temple was too good to turn down.

It started off promisingly, I was collected on time from the hotel - even though the person who'd invited me forgot to tell the driver I was actually coming. Luckily for me the other member of the group asked the driver when they were collecting me and that's how I got to go.

As we drove up and up into the clouds, I was getting really excited thinking I was on some kind of adventure. I was hopeful for some monkey action but as the bus reached the spot where they usually appear for the delight of us humans, there wasn't a single primate to be seen. Of course now I realise this was an omen.

Next stop was the first cable car station. It was closed for maintenance and by the looks of things only just, 'cos the cars looked wrecked! We drove further and further up and our ears were popping and the air-con in the car was switched off as the outside temperature dropped and dropped. The second cable car was operational and I initially decided to face my fears and go to the next stage in that, until I saw it swaying that is! That was my cue to get outta the line and back to the safety of the van along with a couple of the others. As a nod to facing fears I did use the squat toilet in the ticket office, so to be fair I'm still an intrepid adventurer.

The next stage on our journey was the Chinese Temple - properly known as the Chin Swee Caves Temple - this was a big old piece of heaven, up there in the clouds.

This is the big pagoda.
We parked up and took some time out to explore - sadly not enough for my liking but there ya go - it was just an amazing place. A lot of it is carved out of the hillside, and there's all kinds of stuff going on there. What really took my breath away and opened up my heart - which feels like it's been closed off for a very long time was the big statue of the Buddha. I managed to get some alone time just marvelling at it and stilling my mind - just what I needed.

I'm so glad we took the time there because what was to come next couldn't have been more opposed to the peace of the temple if they'd tried.

The Genting Highland Resort - Google it and share my pain - is an enormous piece of all that is bad and greedy and ugly about humanity plonked on top of a levelled off piece of paradise. There's theme parks both inside and out, several casinos, fast food restaurants that run the gamut of McDonalds to Burger King, shops selling nasty, tacky things made of plastic that will never biodegrade.

There's very little natural light - although to be fair this high up huge enveloping mists seem to descend and cloak the place with a dampness that can only be the tears of Mother earth as she sees what's been done here.

Then there's the noise, bells, sirens, plinky-plonky computer games of destruction and devastation, children screaming and whining (not too many laughing - so much for it being 'here for the kids' then), tinny music and the babble of an entire city of people searching for something that can never be found in this hell on earth.

There was no respite, even in the loos the noises seemed to be piped in, just to make sure you didn't pee in peace either!

Most regular readers know me, I am far from being one of those 'down with capitalism' types. I love to shop and sometimes I love to shop for shit. I celebrate the kitsch and the cute, I embrace X-Factor and Big Brother for God's sake, but this place was just too much. Luckily we were there for a "mere" three hours, any longer and I fear I might have taken one of the guards assault rifles and 'gone postal'.

They actually have several hotels here, can you imagine staying 24 hours in a place like this? It'd be like mainlining Sunny Delight!

Still, its nice to get out, eh?

My Orang Utan Diary

So as if the jet-lag/exhaustion wasn’t enough I’d foolishly booked an early flight on Wednesday to take me across Borneo to Sandakan. I know, I’d not heard of it either. Anyway the reason for the freakishly early trip was to visit a place I’d seen on TV many times - Sepilok Orang-utan Sanctuary. Back in London when I was booking the 7.40 flight it seemed like a fantastic idea, of course that was before I knew my hotel was nearly an hour away from the airport and that even on domestic flights they still want you there 2 hours before, and that’s why I was on my way at 4.15 (am!).

I’d done some research and looked into booking a tour of the place, but as a lone traveller the cheapest I was quoted was 600 MR (over £100) to take me to Sepilok and Labuk Bay Proboscis Monkey Sanctuary. I have to wonder if there is one single species of primate anywhere on this planet that doesn’t have it’s own sanctuary. I wasn’t that aware of Proboscis Monkeys to begin with, let alone realise they were under threat too. Still, having seen a photo of them in the hotel wildlife reserve yesterday I decided I wanted to check them out too, if only to see if the raging hard-on the one in the photo has was an exception or the rule!

Anyway, in the spirit of adventure, I decided not to be fleeced just because I have no friends, and landed at Sandakan Airport with only the vaguest idea of where I was going. I knew I could get a bus to Sepilok from the town centre, so I asked a friendly airport employee how I got there. She told me that for 35MR I could get a cab right to Sepilok. Well now £7 sounded a lot better than £100 and it was already scorching hot, so I paid my cash upfront and jumped in a cab.

A note here about the flight, it was officially the teensiest, tiniest, cutest little plane I have ever flown on - and I have flown on a few including the one that induced my birth! I am a fearless flyer, but when a plane this small cuts out on the runway and we are told we need to hang on for the maintenance man, even I - the Amelia Eyreheart (sp) of Ladbroke Grove - get a wee bit antsy. Anyway, half an hour later we were giving take off another go. Phew this time we made it!

So my later arrival in Sandakan was another factor in taking a cab. It was gone 9am and I knew they fed the Orang-utans at 10.0, so time was of the essence. My driver knew this too and he got me there with time to spare, bless him. I handed over my dosh 50 MR plus a 10 MR “camera fee” and then dashed to the lockers to dump my rucksack. You can’t take them in with you incase a monkey swipes it. I should be so lucky! I quickly doused myself with Deet, and then made my way into the bit of rainforest we humans are encouraged to penetrate. The viewing platforms were pretty packed, and there were loads of kids there. How lucky are they? Imagine being five years old and your parents take you to Borneo to see monkeys? I never even got to Disneyland!

Anyway, this whole rehabilitation thing seems to be a roaring success, because unlike the gazillions you see on Orang-utan Diary, there were three. Yep three. They didn’t even have a show-off one like the hotel’s nature reserve! I was more than a tad disappointed I can tell you. What’s worse was the three that were listlessly nibbling at bananas where scared off by a tribe of little Leaf Monkeys who came down for the leftovers.

When we got back to the main compound there was a mini-bus there who was taking people to Labuk Bay to see the Proboscis monkeys. It was a 30 RM round trip, plus the entrance fee of course. Anyway I jumped in. I was like a monkey junkie, I needed a decent fix of primate, those three were like monkey methadone, eg not as good as the real thing, but better than nowt.

About 45 minutes later we pulled up at what looked like a scrap yard. We got out of the bus to pay, and with the fare it was 100RM - dearer than Sepilok - there’d better be some serious monkey action for that kinda price!

We then got back on the bus and were driven into the heart of this patch of land, where they had a kind of lodge. Shoes were removed and cold drinks purchased, then it began.

Suddenly the area to the right of the lodge was overrun with Proboscis monkeys! Wow they really are quite magnificent creatures! And yes, all of the males were very happy to see us three women visitors!

The one that joined us, whilst looking the fiercest, was apparently the tamest. He had six fingers on one of his hands and that marked him out from the rest of his bachelor tribe apparently. It sure helped him keep a tight grip on that bread he was so fond of!

The ‘green beans’ came out and soon the lodge was over-run with Silver Leaf monkeys. I’d met a bunch of these sweet little creatures last time I was in Malaysia, I love how their babies are bright ginger so that they don’t lose them in the bush!

We spent a good while here watching these little beasts up close. Sometimes they appeared to be studying us as intently. Maybe not, maybe they were just wondering why we didn’t have any food for them!

Then I got back on the bus to go back to Sepilok for the afternoon feeding session. One of the girls on this trip said she was there yesterday afternoon and that’s when the mothers come with their babies. Oh I do hope so!

Before I went back into the jungle there was time for me to have some food. There’s a little cafe there and I had the most delicious noodles with prawns. Then it was time for the ‘video’ - the same one I’d seen at my hotel yesterday, the one we’ve all seen with the wheelbarrow-load of baby orang-utans, the one thing you don’t actually see when you come here sadly!

I totally get that the idea is to rehabilitate these creatures and get them living back in the forest away from us nasty humans, but I really, really wanted some ‘face time’ with one of them! I mean, you can cuddle live tigers in Thailand for God’s sake!

Anyway, after the film, off we all trooped into the forest, to feeding platform A and it was just heaving with the Leaf Monkeys! They are not shy of humans at all and I was able to get up close to quite a few of them. No cuddling though!

Then it began, one by one they came. The mother Orang-utans with their gorgeous little babies! How brilliant that these, who were once orphans were now raising babies of their own? It made me feel a bit emotional I have to admit!

By the time the feeding session came to an end, I was exhausted. My lack of sleep the night before and the intense heat and humidity here in the jungle got to me. I decided not to take a trip into Sandakan town, and instead headed for the airport where I checked in for my flight and promptly slept for an hour in the departure lounge.
What an amazing day!