Why do I do it??????

Buy the Mail on Sunday that is.

I rarely buy any newspapers these days, I get my news from the net or the 24 hour news channels. I'm less and less interested in 'celebrity' gossip, unless it comes from the PopBitch mailout, so tabloids hold no interest for me.

Anyway yesterday, I was a bit early for the acupuncture session so I popped over to the local shop and picked up the three papers I buy with anything like regularity, Sunday Times, MoS, and the News of the World. I figure that gets me the widest viewpoint of what's going on in the world.

One of the regular features in You Magazine is a column by Liz Jones. She used to style herself as an upmarket Bridget Jones type, then four years ago she found someone to marry her. Happy ever after you'd think? Well no, cos for the last four years she has divulged his every shortcoming - affairs, never cleans the house, and a lack of enthusiasm for anything other than his own wants and need - and seems to expect us to feel sorry for her or admire her. Gawd knows what she expects.

He's never worked from what I can tell so she's kept him while he wrote his book about marrying older women and sponging off them whilst decimating their self-esteem, a guide-book for other wankers it seems. She's thrown him out and taken him back, she spends thousands on beauty treatments in a futile attempt to make him fancy her, and she humiliates herself and her marriage in a national newspaper supplement every week.

Her reason for putting up with all this crap is that she 'loves him'. I don't doubt she does, but I would say he doesn't really like her all that much, let alone love her. Mind you why would he? She doesn't love herself much does she?

Every time I read her column I get so worked up, if this was a friend of mine I would slap her repeatedly till she saw sense, as would any of my friends if I was behaving as pathetically as she is. Doesn't Ms Jones have any friends who give a shit about her?

Amongst my female friends there are those who are married with kids, others in long term relationships, another who's a serial monogamist/eternal optimist, declaring each man she finds on the internet to be 'The One' - I like her positivity, one of these days one of em will be The One. Then there's me and my mate T. We are both attractive women, we both have great careers and gorgeous homes, money in the bank, we're great cooks, incredible shags and have fairly decent self-esteem. We are both in our 40's tho neither of us look it, and we are both single.

Why?

Its not like we can't get a man, we've both had brilliant relationships in the past, some lasting longer than two weeks! We've both found true love only for it to go awry, but we've both picked ourselves up and gotten back on the dating circuit. Then we both stopped.

For me, the last 19 months of celibacy coincided with me discovering Buddhism, and a burning desire to deal with all the issues from my childhood, the last thing I needed was a man coming into my life and confusing everything. T has gone through a similar period of re-evaluation, working out what really matters in her life and launching a new business.

Outside of our friendship we move in pretty different circles, yet all of our friends express shock that we are single.

'Why hasn't someone snapped you up? You're a great catch' they say. And we both agree, we are bloody good catches, few hang-ups, no kids or pets, careers, looks, money, great personalities, you name it we got it going on...well apart from pert tits but then as I said we are in our 40's.

We were discussing it the other night and T mentioned that someone told her she was too fussy. That's something I hear a lot too. When did being choosy become a bad thing?

Yes I would love to meet someone I could share part or all of my life with, but not at any price. I want someone who is capable of loving and respecting me at least as much as I love and respect myself. Is that being fussy?

The reality is, neither of us are that fussy. I've dated every man who ever asked me out, what's fussy about that? What I haven't done tho is put up with any crap cos I was too scared to be alone. I can honestly say that the only time in my life that I ever felt really lonely was while my then partner was sitting in the other room watching tv.

And if we are fussy, what's the alternative? To marry someone who sees us as a mother/provider of cash? Someone who will knock our self confidence a little every day until we start to believe we are lucky that they deign to let us do their washing and keep them in designer clothes?

The alternative is to be someone like Liz Jones (or at least the character she portrays in her column) and to be really honest If that's the alternative I'd rather be single till I die!

I don't need that validation, I don't feel that I need another person to make my life complete. It would be great to find someone to hang out with, but if I never do, its not the end of the world to me.

This is the end....

So they aired the last ever Top of the Pops tonight.

What a dreadful way to pay tribute to what was at one time a fabulous bit of telly! All those old clowns like DLT, creepy Jimmy Saville looking like the mother from Psycho, Janice Long looking like yer mad aunty who hasn't aged too well, and Mike Read looking as pious and pompous as ever. They almost ruined my memories of it, they were so awful.

I remember when I moved to the UK from Canada at the age of 9, I couldn't believe that there was a whole half hour every week dedicated to pop music! I was soooooooooo excited! Music has always played a major role in my life, but in Canada we had to rely on Ed Sulivan having the odd band on if they were big enough news. That's how I managed to fall in love with Ringo Starr at the age of 3.

There were a lot of things I hated about moving here initally, but that 30 minutes of pop music every week made the bullying, the shit weather, the lack of central heating anywhere seem bearable.

It was must-see TV at it's best, every Friday morning we'd all discuss how slaggy Pan's People were, how fit our favourite popstars looked, and plotted ways to get to London to be in the studio audience.

It saw me though most of my teenage crushes, from Marc Bolan to the Bay City Rollers, Gary Glitter to David Essex, and about a gazillion others in between. Even when I went through my 'serious' music phase at 15 there were chances to see Queen and Thin Lizzy and 10cc.

When I was 19 and ironing trousers for Dexys Midnight Runners I finally had my dream come true, I got to be in the audience! The band were toying with the idea of making me wear a donkey jacket and wooly hat and miming playing the trumpet or something so that I could appear onstage, but I held my ground. It may have taken me 10 years but I got to dance in front of the stage while my favourite band were number one. It was bliss!

I've heard all the arguments about how MTV and the likes finished it off, but if you ask me, it was when they started moving it around the schedules that really did for it.

Whatever the reasons, I am kinda sad its gone...the kids today don't know what they're missing.

Just a small prick....

No I haven't broken my vow of celibacy!

The Bristol gigs were great fun, and it was fab to wake up in my own bed each morning. Could've done without the panic both nights waiting for a taxi to get me to the station tho! Ian Moore was on the bill too but he was doubling up with The Glee Club in Cardiff so sadly I didn't even get a chance to see him to say hi to. Mark Olver was MC'ing and he really is a great guy and a top MC!

The labyrinthitis continues to torment me. The anti-nausea pills just make me sleepy and dull, so I avoided taking the full dose while working, luckily Doctor Theatre - the aderenaline rush you get when performing - kicked in and I wasn't even aware I had it at the gigs. Perhaps that's the cure, just stay onstage!

Sadly that's not really possible, so I decided to give Chinese medicine a go. There's a chinese herbalist next door to my house so I popped in today for a diagnosis and treatment. I dunno how many of you have ever been in one of these places, but they're fascinating! Rows and rows of jars containing all manner of herbs, what looked like lumps of plastic, various bits of debris, all there to be boiled up and drunk. I sat there looking at it all and hoping that wasn't gonna be part of my treatment!

The doctor took down all my symptoms, asked a ton of questions, then prescribed a course of acupuncture. Yay no boiled herbs! Twenty minutes later I looked like Pinhead from the Hellraiser movies. Not content with filling my head, neck and face with needles, she moved down my body, stomach, wrists, legs and feet were all similarly adorned.

The light went off and the door was closed, chinese muzak played softly in the background, and I was left alone.

I've had acupuncture before, a few times in fact, but only ever in my back. My osteopath, the gorgeous and lovely Gary Trainer, uses it to speed up the healing process. This time however, I could really feel something happening in my body. My arms were spasming, the needle she stuck in at the point in between my eyebrows (your third eye) really hurt and burned, and the one in my stomach gave me this really odd cold sensation.

I'm not sure why I felt all these things so acutely, perhaps the meditation and Tai Chi I do every day has made me more aware of my body and my internal energy, my chi. Whatever it is, it wasn't spooky, it was reassuring.

About 25 minutes later, the doc reappeared and removed the needles, the third eye one really bled! She then gave me a vigorous head massage. As I sat up the dizziness was the worst its ever been, but then I wasn't expecting a miracle cure. Once I got myself on my feet, I did notice one brilliant thing. The heaviness and sluggishness I've been feeling for ages has gone. I came back home and fell into bed for one of the best sleeps I've had in a long long time.

The doc reckons I'll need another six sessions, and you know what, even if it doesn't speed up the departure of the labyrinthitis, I'm sure I'll reap many benefits from it.

Commuting

So this weekend I'm gigging at a club called Jesters in Bristol. When I took the booking I thought they provided a free hotel, sadly this is not the case. A search on the web produced a list of extortionally priced, below par rooms for hire, or grotty B&B's with shared bathrooms. I'm not precious particularly, but I am far too old to be sharing a lav with strangers!

I'm doing a set both nights, and on first, so I decided to check out the trains. Blimey! There's one running late enough both nights to get me home. How fabulous, I get to sleep in my own bed. Even better, First Great Western have joined in with the single fares programme, so I get to go first class for £40 in the middle of rush hour, and come back in working class for a tenner!

Dunno what the gigs will be like, its been 10 years since I did this club, but I'm happy already.

Had a lovely day yesterday. My comedy chum Gina Yashere came over for brunch and we hung out catching up on each other's news, gossip, and all the rubbish girls talk about when they get together.

She was meant to come for lunch but she got a gig on The Wright Stuff, which is filmed just down the road from me, so it made sense for her to come here straight after. She's just back from doing the Montreal Comedy Festival, which by all accounts she stormed. Its great when your mates do well.

She's doing a tour throughout the autumn, do yourself a favour and get along to see her. Go to www.ginayashere.com for a full list of dates.

On a health note, I'm still dizzy as hell, so if you're in the front row at Jesters tonight, be prepared to catch me!

Wallowing? Not me!

So today I woke up still spinning, but although my brain feels like mush in my head, I decided that I'd had enough of being sick, and staying in bed.

I put all the 'dreadful' thoughts right outta my head and cracked on with my day. I did my tai chi, meditated, then set to cleaning the hell outta this flat. Having so many windows and having them open day and night brings in the most obscene amount of dust, plus there's bits of the trees outside that have blown in, and a rather disconcerting amount of bugs who've chosen to come here to die.

Like most girlies I used to freak at the sign of anything with more legs than me in the house, I'd reach for a magazine and swat them either into oblivion or out of the window. Since becomming Buddhist of course, killing anything is out of the question, so I just leave them be. Its like the insect life of west London know that there's a safe haven here, and they all come in to hang out. I've had moths, earwigs, massive queen bees, grasshoppers, ladybirds, and assorted other unidentified flying creatures take up residence.

It's really weird, cos in my BB (before Buddhism) days I'd have felt dirty, uncomfortable, and just plain nasty having so much wildlife in the house, now tho they don't bother me. Once upon a time they were like me, trying to get through life and I guess not doing a very good job of it, hence being reincarnated as a bug! I figure if I'm kind to them, then should I be unlucky enough to come back as a moth or something, then I too might find a safe haven.

Later on, still spinning like a bloody Tasmanian Devil, I headed out to the supermarket. I've got a pal coming for brunch in the morning, and preparing such a meal is a new one on me, so I wanted to stock up on nice healthy goodies for her and I to enjoy.

They're doing a major revamp of my local Sainsbury's, and as I watched those builders toiling away in this godforsaken heat, I said a silent thank you to the comedy god that on days like this I don't have to work! Having said that, Ladbroke Grove does attract some rather fit builders, all with their tops off and their tanned torsos rippling in the heat made for a very pleasant sight. I was quite happy when the cab company told me I'd have a 15 minute wait....what fabulous eye candy!

One other cool thing happened today, I got a text from John Simmit offering me some gigs on the Black comedy circuit. I've only done one of his gigs before but I loved it. Guess I'm gonna be the Aisleen of the British comedy scenen from now on. *Kisses teeth* Innit?

I'm Spinning Around

Sadly I haven't turned into Kylie, but for the last week I've been getting these really dreadful dizzy spells. Added to that is feeling sick, blurred vision and loss of balance.

Last week I thought I had heat stroke. I checked out the NHS Direct website and seemed to have the symptoms even tho I hadn't spent any length of time in the sun. Over the weekend I was a bit aprehensive onstage, and found myself standing well back from the edge just in case. I didn't wanna fall off and take the whole front row out with me!

Anyway, yesterday I actually spoke to a nurse from NHS Direct who informed me it definitely wasn't heat stroke. She said it could be low blood pressure, or 'something'. Now being a drama queen I took that something to be a brain tumour.

I rang my GP's and was told I could come and see someone next week. Lovely. I explained my symptoms and eventually she relented and said I could call at 8.30 and see if there was an emergency appointment available.

I was due to go to a pre-Edinburgh barbecue at the lovely Jason Woods' house, but the worry, dizziness, and heat put any plans to attend straight out of my mind, and I took to my bed.

Luckily this morning, there was a space available, cos by now my over-active imagination was working overtime!

Anyway after an examination that took ooooooooooh at least 90 seconds it turns out I have labyrinthitis. No, I haven't turned into a Jim Henson creature and begun starring in a movie with David Bowie, it's an infection in the inner ear which produces a sensation similar to sea sickness. Yep that sounded about right. I've got a little bottle of sea sickness pills and instructions to return if its still happening in two weeks' time.

Of course, as soon as I got home I Googled it, and in spite of the doc's reassurance, I'm worried all over again, cos it can also be caused by a 'cranial tumour'!

Whoever said a little knowledge is a dangerous thing was bloody right...damn you Google!

Sexy Beast

So now I get Film 4 free on my telly, and Sexy Beast is on. I'm not sure what it is about this movie but it both entertains and repulses me. Ray Winstone and Ben Kingsley are brilliant in it.

Lost in Translation was on earlier and I remember thinking when I saw that at the pictures how it perfectly summed up the sense of isolation I felt when I visited Tokyo too... the most foreign city I've ever been to.

The gigs in Southampton were fantastic and inspite of all my misgivings about going, I'm glad I did. Not only did the window open a whole 4" which meant I didn't need to use the screwdriver, but they've fixed the aircon so that it genuinely is cold in the rooms! I was actually shivering at one point!

Sadly the aircon at that gig was less than perfect, in fact I doubt it was even working. Jeez it was hot under those lights. On Friday night by the time I brought the wonderful Otiz Canneloni on I was drenched in sweat! How very glamourous.

Most of the audience were fanning themselves with the menus too, which at times was a little off-putting, but everyone had a great show. In addition to Otiz, we had Sean Collins and Sean Meo on, both of whom are right at the top of their game at the moment.

On Saturday night Mark Maier replaced Sean Collins, and he was absolutely fantastic! It's been years since I worked with Mark, and yet again, he's right up there as one to watch.

That's one of the great things about comedy, the longer you do it, the better you get at it. Well for most of us. It's so sad that the telly people are only ever interested in the bright young things, it seems the industry just always wants to jump on the next flavour of the month. There are so many talented, creative and entertaining comedians out there, who, just because they've been going longer than six months are considered old news.

Hopefully one day, probably long after I retire, TV execs will wake up and realise that experience is what counts in comedy, and give the likes of Mark and Sean Meo the breaks they deserve.

Rant over. The best bit about doing Southampton, after the gigs, was that I managed to catch the last train back to London last night and therefore wake up in my own bed this morning. Marvellous!

Gypsy in my Soul

So there I was, looking forward to a lovely weekend working in Bow, sleeping in my own bed, being as cool as you can be without air con, when I get the call....'Can you do me a favour and move to Southampton this weekend?'

What's a gal to do? The obvious thing would've been to lie and say I'd made all kinds of plans to go to a family wedding or funeral, etc etc, but in an attempt to be a better human being I've stopped telling lies, even white ones, or even little fibs. Instead I had a half-hearted whinge about how I really didn't want to spend yet another weekend in a generic mid-range hotel with windows that opened no more than 2".

This cut no ice, and then the reason was explained for the move... a comedy magician MC and a comedy magician opening act...I could see their dilemma. If I'd been the opening act I'd have been well pissed off, and as I really like the guy I agreed to make the swap.

So here I am, suitcase open on the bed, getting ready to pack and bugger off till Sunday, tho there's a slight chance I might get back Saturday night if the closing act doesn't over-run, fingers crossed.

Wow just stopped dead in my tracks there, Radio 1 is playing Redemption Song by Bob Marley! At last! A really great tune on there. That's one of my all time faves, it takes me back to a holiday in Goa in 1991, sitting on the beach at sunset, sipping on an ice cold Kingfisher, with my best mate Tracy and a couple of guys we met, we all just started singing it...bliss.

Now they're playing some annonymous piece of faux disco, I can concentrate again. Yeah, got all my stuff ready to go, with a small addition to my usual on the road kit, a selection of allen keys and phillip's head screwdrivers...I'll get that bloody window open, if I have to take it off at the hinges!

On a completely unrelated matter, I'm still loving my Tai Chi, but finding the classes a bit slow and way too hot at the moment. If anyone out there is a Tai Chi teacher or knows someone who is, and they're based in central London, please email me at jojo@jojosmith.com. I want to learn the whole form so that I can then concentrate on the chi side of things rather than where my feet and hands should be at any given moment. Thanks.

Right, time for a shower then it's off to Waterloo. Have a fabulous weekend folks xxx

We're Having a Heatwave

A bleeding tropical one at that!

Even in my luxurious penthouse apartment (second floor flat really but a gal can dream) with all 10 of my windows wide open and the turbo fan on full blast I'm getting a premonition of what menopause will be like!

It's too hot to do anything at all really, except take lots of cool showers, but I have found the perfect soundtrack to make this infernal heat more than tolerable, it's Lily Allen's album Alright Still.

Regular readers will know that I have a connection with Lily, and it was with a bit of trepidation that I sat down to listen to it for the first time. What if it's shit apart from the singles? This is such a common thing with albums for me these days, and it really pisses me off!

Anyway, nice a cool from the shower, glass of cold water in one hand and a fag in the other I put it on....my god, it's brilliant! There's tons of great tracks on it. Her voice is so sweet but listen to the lyrics and blimey! The girl's seen some life in her 21 years. My favourite tracks so far are Alfie, LDN, Little Things, Sunday Morning and Not Big.

Do yourselves a favour folks and get yer ass to HMV or wherever and pick up a copy before the weather breaks!

Poker School

So it was off to my ancestral home for a few days last week, the sun was even shining in Preston! I took time to have a wander round the town centre and relive some old memories...It's a million lifetimes ago it seems.

From there it was off to Manchester yet again for a couple of gigs at Jongleurs. Its been well over a year since I last did this gig and I actually was looking forward to it. It's one of the worst designed clubs in the Jongleurs' empire, a massive high ceiling, an even higher stage, and not great sound, but I love playing to a Northern crowd. I've been described as blunt from time to time and, well this is where I learned to be blunt! It's the Northern Way innit? So I go onstage with no fear of offending anyone, cos they 'get it'.

I was on with a fab bunch of guys too, Jeff Innocent - who I just love -Mickey D, and the little ray of sunshine that is Andy Askins. If you haven't seen him yet, do yourself a favour and check him out, he's just a joy to watch. He's also a joy to hang out with in the dressing room which is a definite bonus.

Saturday I had a fabulous day. I met Mike Gunn, Otiz Canneloni and Mark Billingham for lunch. They were all in town doing the Comedy Lounge - a new gig that's opened in the Printworks - and we were all staying in the same hotel. We toddled off to the Living Room. As we sat there swapping gig stories Mark said 'We're all starring in Broadway Danny Rose' and it was true. The old guard reminiscing about gigs we have known.

We left there to go shoe shopping. Now this should've filled me with glee, but it wasn't me that wanted the shoes, it was Mark and Mike, and my god I learned that men are a million times more fussy than any women I know! Two hours later I was the only one with a pair of bloody shoes and I didn't want or need any! Still I do love my new lime green Crocs!

Saturday night's gig was rammed and fantastic, we all had a wonderful time. When I got back to the hotel I was given the chance to learn how to play poker which was even more exciting. I am not a good gambler, I don't do the lottery, and the best Grand National I ever had was the one where we all got our money back. I was outside the bookies at 9.0 am waiting for my quid!

There's something very sexy about poker tho, I've found myself watching the televised games, and while I haven't really learned anything I get kinda hypnotised by the commentators' voice. I want to learn how to play tho, so Otiz, Mike and Mark allowed me to sit in and watch their game.

It was very confusing, all the terminology and the speed at which they were playing, but the banter was great and I think I picked up a bit of what was going on. Of course, the boys were trying to get me to join in, telling me that playing it was the best way to learn. I just told em that if they could handle seeing a grown woman cry, then I'd be happy to join in. They stopped asking me then.

Anyway, I'm back home now and cooling off a bit, it's good to be back!

Home Is Where The Heat Is

Just back from my trip up north (more of which later) and my flat is like a bleeding oven!!!!!!!!

It's ridiculously early....

on Wednesday morning.

I'm off up north to see my Dad for a couple of days, and while my train doesn't leave till 10.30 because I'm old I need three hours to prepare!

I'm back in Manchester this weekend, doing gigs at Jongleurs this time, and I'm not the only one experiencing this boomerang effect. Mike Gunn and Andy Askins are also back up there, so that's me social life sorted!

The sun is shining, I've meditated for 30 mins and life feels good. All I need now is for Virgin trains to provide the service they promise and it'll be perfect!

Unfortunately, EasyJet cannot provide the service they advertise. Regular readers will recall a blog I wrote called 'Winter Wonderland' where I recounted the tale of being snowed in in Edinburgh back at the beginning of March. The Easyjet "customer services" people told me to send in my receipts and I would be refunded the costs incurred for making my own way back to London.

Guess what folks, four months and £30 worth of premium rate phone calls later, I've now been told that they didn't get the receipts. There's a shock! Of course without them, they cannot give me a refund. Luckily I suspected they might have this 'losing documents to avoid paying out' policy, and sent them photocopies.

The man on the phone yesterday seemed rather upset about that. Let's see what happens now that I've scanned the documents and emailed them to him. I guess he just won't get the email!

I'll keep you posted.

Good Things

Good Thing Number One: That poisonous witch Lea being chucked out of the Big Brother house on Friday night. Yaaaaaayyy!

Good Thing Number Two: Lily Allen being number one in the charts with Smile.

Good Thing Number Three: Spending Sunday evening celebrating my pal Dave Johns' 50th birthday with a bunch of brilliant, kind and fabulous people.

The Long and Winding Road

So back home from my weekend of gigs in Manchester.

I was doing gigs at The Frog & Bucket in Oldham Street and it was a bit of a trip down memory lane for me. In the early 90's I regularly went up to go clubbing at the Hacienda and we always used to begin the night at New Order's Dry Bar in the same street.

Afflecks Palace and Eastern Block Records were just around the corner and there were tons of men in unfeasably flared jeans wandering about wearing Inspiral Carpets' Cool As Fuck T-shirts or James' Come Home T-shirts. It wasn't the most attractive time for men's fashion!

I'm proud to say I never succumbed to the big flares, but did sport a fair few Joe Bloggs tees in my time.

There were none of those fashion faux pas in evidence this weekend, and Dry Bar is long gone, but I had a really great time. The gigs were fun, especially last night's when I encored, and I got a 'bargain' Paul Smith handbag in the Harvey Nicks sale.

On Saturday afternoon I met up with a whole bunch of comedians for lunch. Mike Gunn chose the venue - The Living Room on Deansgate - and we were joined by Kevin McCarthy, Andy Askins, Russell Howard and the gorgeous Rob Rouse.

The Living Room is one of those places you read about in Heat, where all the Manc celebs go to play, and even at lunchtime yesterday it was packed with ironed blondes sporting French Manicures with Dolce and Gabbana bug-eyed sunglasses stuck on the top of their heads. I was there in torn jeans, hair scraped up in what can only be described as an explosion on the top of my head, looking like a bugger. As I gazed around the room I noticed the Manchester WAGS were staring at me. Probably wondering why they were having bored lunches with their fellow footballers' wives while I had the attentions of five fabulous men all to myself!

The best bit was that Mike said he was driving back to London after the late show at the Store and I could have a lift if I wanted it. I jumped at the chance, the Frog had put me up in a bleeding Travelodge and I couldn't face trying to sleep another night in there.

I met Mike at his hotel - the infinately superior Victoria and Albert - and we set off about 1.30. It's been ages since I did a road trip from Manchester and I'd forgotten how bloody long a journey it is! It was 5.45am this morning when I rolled into my flat! Still it was worth it to sleep in my own wonderful bed.

Manchester

Is my destination for the weekend.

It's been ages since I did a gig there so I'm looking forward to it. I'm playing a club called The Frog and Bucket which I estimate I haven't done for at least nine years. If I recall it's a cracking night. Guys like Johnny Vegas and Peter Kay earned their stripes there as regular MC's, so it's got a good history.

I'm doing sets and it's been a while so I'm both nervous and excited about that, but the lovely Smug Roberts is the MC so I know I'm in safe hands.

Manchester is becoming comedy central, there's three other big comedy clubs up there now, and I have mates doing gigs at all of em...I think a Saturday lunch date is in order.

Friday of course is the big one, the night we see that evil bitch Lea evicted from the Big Brother house, if you haven't voted for her yet then do so! I know she obviously has a ton of mental issues herself - you only need to see the way she's totally reconstructed her body to guess that - but the way she has shamelessly f**ked with Pete's brain is disgusting. Get the tortoise-faced cow out now!!!!!!!

Q&A

Every so often I get asked to fill in a questionnaire for a local paper. In the past I've always taken them seriously but after a while it gets boring, so here's the latest one.


You will have seen me on...?

The bus or the train...I don't drive


Home is where?

My post gets delivered


My hobbies?

Rescuing small animals and saving orphans from the storm


My bad habits?

None I'm perfect in every single way


The best thing about this job is...?

Getting paid cash money to talk rubbish



The worst thing about this job is...?

Having to talk rubbish to get cash money


My worst job?

Hand


My worst gig?

The one where I was onstage naked and had no jokes. Oh wait, that was a dream and I stormed it!


When I grow up a want to be a??

Princess of course!


What's the last thing that made you laugh?

Being tickled


What irritates you the most?

Intolerance. I can't stand it!


What's the best piece of advice you've ever been given?

We are what we think


What music brings back the strongest memories for you?

Cigarettes and Chocolate Milk by Rufus Wainwright



Who's your best friend?

The Buddha


My worst heckle??

Get off, you're s**t. From my boyfriend



The best one-liner??

One line was never enough, that's why I had to give up taking drugs


What's the world's biggest myth?

"It's better to give than receive" Only on Brokeback Mountain is that the case.


What would you like on your headstone?

Born 1961 Died 2161


Ricky Gervais or Little Britain?

Neither. Fresh Fields


Why did the chicken cross the road?

Cos the path to enlightenment is never a straight line

And you thought Turkey Twizzlers were bad for you!

Am I the only person out there who didn't know what the hell a Turkey Slap was?

I'm referring to the uproar over a girl receiving said slap on the Australian Big Brother. Aparently it was so disgusting that John Howard has called for the programme to be taken off the air!

In case you're still in the dark, here's the offending clip (you'll have to copy and paste cos I still don't know how do the link thingy)

http://specialbets.blogspot.com/2006/07/how-to-get-thrown-out-of-big-brother-1.html

The girl who was slapped doesn't seem that distressed does she?

I'm curious as to where the term Turkey Slap came from, perhaps its cos men's bits look a bit like turkey giblets!

All I know is that if Lea got a little Turkey Slap off sweet Pete in our Big Brother, she'd be the happiest slapper on earth!

Lily Allen on TOTP

Gawd talking about making a gal feel ancient!

I was just flipping channels and saw that Top of the Pops was on, I haven't watched it in years, tho as a child/teenager it was compulsory viewing ... every Thursday at 7.30 I'd be there checking out what the Rollers were wearing or drooling over David Essex singing his latest hit.

Anyway, just now I saw Lily on there. When she was a very tiny little girl I used to babysit her and her kid brother Alfie. There she is all grown up and at number 13 in the charts with Smile.

She's been in just about every newspaper and magazine cos she's considered the figurehead of the MySpace phenomenon, and there's been a few disparaging pieces about her. Lots of stories about what terrors she and her brother were growing up. All I know is, she was a fantastic, gorgeous child and those qualities have only grown in her.

TOTP is coming to an end soon cos of falling ratings, but I'm really chuffed and proud that I got to see Lily on there before it went. Good on ya girl!

Broken Dreams

So, the inevitable happened. England crashed out of the world cup on penalties and a billion flags of St George disappeared within seconds.

The gig in Southampton last night was a subdued affair, the majority of the crowd were women - about 70% - and the guys that were there well almost all on stag nights and/or birthday celebrations. Looking at their faces you got the definite impression they'd rather be anywhere than in a comedy club. The joke hasn't been written that could've made these poor sods feel ok about what had happened.

I'd feared that it would be a drunken, angry mob if we lost, but instead there was just this air of disappointment, which is far harder to combat than rage to be honest.

The line up was really good, we had the maestro Tim Clark as MC, the awesome Phil Nichol opening, me secondm and Scottish legend Stu Who closing.

Phil was brilliant to watch, as always, inspite of telling me he was feeling a bit knackered from rehearsing his two (yes two) plays for Edinburgh and writing his solo show for the same event. He's appearing in True West, the Sam Sheppard play, and Eric Bogosian's Talk Radio, which if you've seen the movie you'll know is a role that Phil was born to play. There's a host of other comics in it too, including the divine Stephen K Amos and Tony Law. I'm planning a flying trip up to the festival and this is definitely on the top of my list of things to see.

The best thing about last night's gig, apart from working with Phil, was that I was offstage early enough to be able to catch the train home. Alongside the joy of waking in my own bed, this also meant that I could be cool. Why is it that all hotels these days have windows that only open an inch and inadequate air condiditoning? I was sweating like Ron Atkinson at the Carnival just putting my make-up on last night!

I guess its the inevitable Health and Safety regulations, but I don't know anyone who's ever jumped from a hotel window by accident, and to be honest, if you're going to a hotel to top yourself, not being able to jump out of a window is not gonna stop you.

I did find out the other week that's why when you put the Do Not Disturb sign on your door in a hotel they ignore it and either knock, come in or phone you to make sure you *really* don't want to be disturbed. It's cos they have to be sure you aint dead. How mad! Now when I check into a hotel I tell em I've not plans to leave this world and could they please leave me the hell alone!