Yet more MySpace Insanity!!!!!!!

So this morning as I was checking my emails before I bugger off up to Leeds again for the weekend, I opened this mail in my MySpace mailbox:

i just stumbled upon ur page and i feel u are damn pretty
so i say i should dedicated these poem to u ,i wish u can be my special someone
A rose is given to a loved one
Not just a simple someone
A rose is like the one it's offered to
It's beauty shimmers like the morning dew
A rose is cherished as its color glows
As does a relationship as it grows
A rose is radiant with its petals open wide
Like the love not hidden deep inside
A rose has a scent the you always know
A familiar perfume as you dance real slow
A rose is a sweet symbol of love
Soon you realize your special someone was sent from above ,
and if u think u are my specail someone buzz me on my
yahoo instant messenger or my msn
or my mail box which is....buzz me so we can
get to know each other better and probably take a magical ride together
on my special magical carpet.....

How thrilling! Even more so when you look at his photo, he looks like a male model, in fact, the photo could be taken from Models 1's website! Surely no-one would be that stupid tho. Would they?????

Oh and he's an 'environmental engineer' too! Doesn't that sound fantastic? He saves the planet!

Hang on, isn't that corporate speak for a Dustbin Man??????

Oh well, I'll stick with the celibacy for now thanks

Have a great weekend folks xx

Mmmmmmm cookies

http://www.porn-bread.com/

It's lunchtime and I'm feeling a bit peckish...think I'll make some of these ... ooh Bukkake Cookies! All that lovely icing!

Home Sweet Home

At last! I am back in my city centre penthouse (well Zone 2, top floor flat).

Gawd I've missed my home. I had a great time with my dad, played with his new Bose cd/radio thing...should get a decent price for it on Ebay when he goes. Then I went off to Leeds.

As I wandered about the city I notice I was getting odder looks than usual, then I remembered the Metro interview. It went in, tho I never saw a copy. The gigs were fantastic, all four of them. The bill for the first three nights included my old mate Carey Marx. I love watching him, his mind doesn't work like most people's. Last year he did an Edinburgh show about his attempts to find a wife, called Marry Me. He dated dozens of women, but sadly his tuxedo is still in storage. He did however get a book deal out of it, so all was not lost. Check it out.

On Sunday night it was a rare chance to see two of my fave comics, Mark Walker and Trevor Crook. I haven't worked with either of them for ages, so I was looking forward to seeing them in a relaxed setting. Sunday night gigs are always relaxed. Trevor was his usual laconic self, tho I think some of the younger people in the crowd were a bit freaked by him...to me he's one of the funniest guys ever. Mark was firing on all cylinders. He livened everyone up in the second half, and was so electric he even shocked himself. He was fiddling with the lights on the backdrop and managed to shoot a few hundred volts through his system...dozy bugger!

I did Martin Kelner's Radio Leeds show again on Saturday night, I'm becomming a regular. It's always great fun, I think I'd like to do more radio. I've got the face for it.

On me travels...again

This time to places slightly less exotic!

After a fabulous day spent wandering round Hyde Park in the Spring sunshine with my bestest pal Tracy, I'm off up north in the morning. A short trip to see my Dad and check the inheritance, then on Thursday off to Leeds for four nights of gigs at Jongleurs.

Most of the clubs in the Jongleurs chain only run on Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights, but Leeds is soooooo popular they've had to add an extra show on Sunday night too! It's no surprise really, Leeds is the jewel in the crown for us comics. It looks and feels like a comedy club, not a superclub. Nice low ceiling, wonderful low stage, and a brilliant audience always up for a great night out...I can't wait!

I did a phone interview last week for the Yorkshire edition of Metro, so it'll be interesting to see what he made of my jet lagged ramblings!

Have a good week folks xx

Old Friends

Been having more fun on MySpace. Found an old friend who moved to New York years ago and is now doing rather well for herself. Her name is Angela McClusky and she's an incredibly talented singer/songwriter. We met what feels like a million years ago at a series of talent shows, run by another old mate of mine. Amongst the very specialised "speciality" acts, Angela was a breath of fresh air. She used to belt out County and Western classics and her version of Crazy gave Patsy Cline herself a run for her money.

You know you're getting old when, the second person you invite to join your friends' list is a girl you used to babysit!!!!! If you haven't heard Lily Allen's brilliant single, LDN, do yourself a favourite and check her out on http://www.myspace.com/lilymusic ... it's fantastic and the perfect summer song.

Phew!

When I first started doing stand-up I used to get dreadfully nervous before I went onstage. In fact, in the very early days I actually had panic attacks! Somewhere along the line it changed from nervousness to excitement, I couldn't wait to get on and show off!

Last night the line between nerves and excitement was totally blurred. As the Jongleurs walk on music kicked off, I felt the most massive rush of adrenalin, I heard my name and walked on, and it felt really odd to be standing there infront of all these people with no real idea of what I was gonna talk about.

Thankfully something kicked in, and I was off. All the fear dissipated, and it was pure excitement at being in the place I feel most at home that took over. What an enormous relief.

The bill was pretty special too last night, as I got to do my yearly gig with fellow female comedian Mandy Knight. She's a total joy to be in the same room as, whether it's the dressing room or the room where the gig is taking place. I laughed harder than I have done in a very long time...cheers Mandy.

Back to Life, Back to Reality

So I am very much back in London now. The cold, the rain, the wind...makes the 36 degree heat of Bangkok seem like a very, very distant memory.

The week has been spent washing clothes, getting hair and nails fixed, catching up with friends and trying to sort out the jet-lag. It's hit me worse than ever before, even coming back from Melbourne didn't knacker me out like this has.

The peace of mind I found in Thailand is lasting, tho it's been seriously challenged by all the mundane things in life that annoy us, like crowds of tourists getting lost on Oxford Street and stopping in the middle of the pavement without warning to look at their maps. But, so far I've managed to go about my business with a smile on my face, I realised while I was away just how closed off I'd become, my face set, if not into a permanent scowl then at the very least impassive. I've noticed that if you smile as you go about your day, people react differently. I don't mean a big grin that would send people scurrying away in the opposite direction and get you a whole tube carriage to yourself, but just a pleasant upturn of the lips.

Gawd I have gone all peace and love haven't I? Tonight is my first gig for 3 weeks, and to be really honest I'm a bit nervous. Will my new-found peace affect my ability to be sharp and witty? Will talking about my vag lose it's appeal? Oh well I'll know the answer in 8 hours' time.

Reflections

I'm truly back and the memories of my trip are beginning to fade. Here's my Top Ten Thai Treats:

1. Being blessed by two Monks at two different temples

2. Freeing a cagefull of little birds at the Erewan Shrine to increase my luck and provide some good karma

3. The sunshine on my skin

4. Thai cuisine, green curries in particular

5. Losing almost a stone in weight from not eating the crap that I normally eat in the UK

6. Meeting Thai people, their mix of innocence and cunning is inspiring

7. The fact that the night before their general election they ban alcohol for 24 hours so you can't get drunk and vote for the wrong guy

8. The excellent designer knock-off handbags, makes me wonder why I ever bothered paying a fortune for the real things

9. Feeling safe as I walked around the streets at any time, day or night

10. Appreciating my friends, family and the quality of life I have here at home

Home Again

So I'm back from my trip and apart from a blown light-bulb everything here is as I left it.

Got loads to write about but having been awake and travelling for almost 24 hours I'm too spaced out to make sense of it all...stay tuned!

Bright Beginnings

Just in case you were worried that I'd gone all "peace and love" over here, don't worry, normal service is resumed.

It's amazing what you will watch in a foreign country if it's in English. There are two movie channels on the hotel telly, HBO and CineMax, and they seem to specialise - in the wee small hours at least - in showing movies that didn't even make it 'straight to video'. I reckon these went 'straight to the bin'!

I turned on the other night to catch Scary Spice herself - Mel B - in some god awful movie about a bunch of anti-vivisectionists who end up killing each other in some weird lab, somewhere in England. Mel was sporting the most dreadful white dreadlocks I have ever seen, and I can remember some of the creations that Antenna were knocking out in the early 80's! Luckily for her, she was killed by the mysterious virus about halfway through before she had time to shame herself any more.

The second atrocious waste of celluloid I saw starred Nick Moran, as a Scotsman - cue the worst accent since Dick Van Dyke's cockerney in Mary Poppins - who inherits a son he knew nothing about, and a dog who can play football. Don't ask me how it ended, I couldn't bear to watch more than the first 20 minutes, but I'll bet a year's wages it didn't pick up much!

Both films were just soooo bad, who gave them the green light? I have friends who have, over the years, written scripts, tried to get their own movies made, to no avail. How on earth does rubbish like this get the go ahead when some really good stuff sits in some movie wanker's in-tray?

What was most depressing about both films was that the 'stars' had had such auspicious starts to their careers. Love em or hate em The Spice Girls were a phenomenon, and even Scary's solo single with Missy Elliot wasn't too bad. Nick Moran was fantastic in Lock Stock...how did they both end up doing this kind of dross?

Guess the lesson is, don't burn too bright too soon.

The Spiritual One

My main reason for coming to Thailand was the fact that it's a Buddhist country. I wanted to see what life is like when you've been raised with this philosophy, and to visit the temples.

On my first full day in Bangkok that's exactly what I did. I'd booked a tour guide and driver, to make sure I saw the big three (there's plenty of other temples in town). I explained to Aum, my guide, that I'd become Buddhist recently, so she showed me the correct ways to pray and meditate. It was awesome. Even the stifling heat - it musta been close to 100 degrees - couldn't take away the sense of calm that pervaded these temples.

My favourite was Wat Po...the home of the most enormous reclining Buddha in the world. Coloured gold, with mother of pearl inlaid feet, he was the most splendid thing I have ever laid eyes on. At the first temple, Aum had ascertained that my 'Buddha position' was the reclining Buddha, so maybe that's why I loved him so much. In the grounds there are 100 stupas, stone shrine-type things, where those who can afford it, bury the ashes of loved ones. They were all elaborately decorated with glass and ceramic mosaic, and just seem so much more of a celebration of someone's life than a marble headstone.

I also saw the Emerald Buddha at The Grand Palace. He's a comparatively tiny lil thing, but considered the most sacred of all Thailand's Buddha statues. He has three different outfits all made of solid gold that he is changed into according to the season, and only the King of Thailand is allowed to change him. Kinda cool eh?

I moved onto Phuket last Friday, and this morning visited Wat Chalong, the most important temple on Phuket they tell me. What was great about this one was that I wasn't on a timetable, and there were very few tourists, and thanks to Aum, I knew what to do. Words cannot express how amazing it felt to be able to sit alone, in front of this massive marble Buddha and reflect on life. Priceless.

It's Chico Time!

So there I was, waiting to board my plane to Bangkok, dreading the 11 hour flight, when who should arrive in the departure lounge but Chico! He was dressed like a 70's American pimp would if he had an appointment with the bank manager, leather jacket, acrylic looking polo neck, and trilby. Boy was he gonna sweat when he arrived!

I assumed he'd be sitting upstairs in the fllthy rich section, but it appears having a number one record is not enough to get you such 5 star treatment, so he was crammed into economy with the rest of us regular folks. He was cool tho, a few people recognised him and were taking photos and getting his autograph and he was obviously loving every minute of it. As I watched all this I couldn't help but think of the photo I saw of him on Holy Moly from when he was a stripper. He was fondling the busoms of one woman while another was on her knees orally pleasuring him. Now that's first class!

As for the rest of the passengers, well, they were from 'Cliches R Us'. Lots of old, not very handsome men, with gorgeous little Thai girls feigning interest in them. The couple next to me were just one such pairing...I felt kinda sick watching him pawing her. I'm not body language expert, but the look on her face told me it wasn't what she'd wished for when she was a child. The passengers who didn't already have a girlfriend were very obviously coming out here to find one. I've never seen so many single men on a plane...it was like that movie with Nicolas Cage which I've forgotten the name of, but it was a plane load of prisoners being transferred by air to another prison. I'm sure that narrows it down!

The arrival in Bangkok was a shock in so many ways. I've never been so hot in my entire life as I was the minute I stepped out of the airport, not even when I was working my ass off in the gym!