So Here's The Deal....

I go into the ashram tomorrow morning and I have no idea if I'll be getting online much if at all, so if this all goes quiet, don't panic I've not been abducted!

Since the death of my Dad and my good friend Jason Wood a year ago this month, my life hasn't had a whole lot of meaning and I guess that's why I'm doing what I'm doing. I think maybe the best way to do that is to cut myself off from the world outside and focus on healing.

Having said that, if there's free wi-fi I'll be blogging, Tweeting and FaceBooking like a mofo!

Take it easy people xx

Back To Delhi!

Yesterday morning saw me packing my case (again!) complete with lots of clean clothes, courtesy of The Glitz's reasonable laundry service, and saying goodbye to Jaipur. Ramesh and I hit the road for a five hour drive back to Delhi.

We drove the whole way on the Mumbai-Delhi motorway and anyone who thinks the M1 is shit should try driving on this one! It was like a bloomin' white knuckle ride! I managed to sleep for an hour but the constant horns and lurching as one vehicle after another cut in front of us or behind us or to the side. You need valium for these journeys!

I was back at The Metropolitan, and now I'd been upgraded to an esteemed guest which meant I got a really good room on the Club Floor. Not that I hung about to check it out, Ramesh had agreed to drop me at Janpath Market just by Connaught Place and armed with his directions and a map I set off exploring that part of the city alone. Not before I said a tearful goodbye to him though. He really made the tour fun, and his kindness won't be forgotten by me.

Apparently Connaught Place was modelled on Royal Crescent in Bath and I'd say that was fair looking at this photo...
The market was selling pretty much the same stuff I'd seen all over on my travels, but I did find a shop that sold both men's ties and ayurvedic massage oils, so I bought a bottle for my surgery scars. It was waaaaaaay cheaper than Bio Oil, and I suspect, just as good!

I went into the Indian version of Starbucks - I'm really surprised they've not invaded yet! - and had a latte, but I must say, on the whole India makes better tea than it does coffee, before carrying on my explorations.

I found this fab little bookshop with the most amazing window display...



I did a complete circuit - stopping for a late lunch halfway round - before wandering back to make the most of my 5* luxury.

For the first time in 10 days or so, my chest is clear and I'm no longer coughing up the contents of a nuclear plant, so after a lovely hot bath I fell into bed. Needless to say I slept like a log.

Today I fly to Pune where I have a bit of time in a hotel before heading off to the ashram, I am so excited!

Jaipur Journal....Day Two

Yet another early start and another chunk of history to explore today as I was collected by Raj and Ram and driven up to the Amber Fort in Jaipur. The final part of the journey was to be undertaken by elephant and I’ve got to be honest and say I was terrified frankly.

At that point I’d been on three animals’ back in my life - a donkey in Blackpool as a child, my rich mate’s horse at 14, and a camel in Tunisia about 25 years ago. I liked the donkey, was scared witless on the horse and got thrown off the camel, so the track record ain’t good!

Rajesh assured me I would be fine, I would enter the Fort like a Maharani - a queen - and he would meet me at the top to take a photograph of me on the Elephant’s back. As I watched endless tourists ahead of me take their seats - most of them a good 20 years older than me, I figured I should just ‘man up’ so to speak. Then I saw one of the mahouts take his elephant - which was acting up a bit- off into a side street, away from our view (so he thought) and proceed to really whack it with the metal bar they use to control them. As my time came to get on, I didn’t have much of a choice but to do it. I wasn’t happy though.

The journey is meant to take 25 minutes and give you time to take all kinds of photographs on the way up, but I had the Lewis Hamilton of mahouts and he raced that bloody elephant up to the top in 15 minutes flat! No photos, no Rajesh at the top to take my photo, and no feeling whatsoever in my hands from gripping on so tight! The old git did manage to give me some story of how the elephant needed bananas and chapattis for his dinner and how I had to pay Rs200 for that, even though he’d already been paid for the trip and there were signs everywhere saying don’t tip! He got Rs100 and I clambered off that poor beast - which I noticed had a rather large hole just behind his ear from the hook on that metal bar.

Had it been down to me I wouldn’t have chosen to do that ride, but it was all part of the the tour and I hadn’t really paid too much attention beforehand to be honest. I would say to anyone making their own way up there, don’t do the elephant thing, it’s inhumane and a rip off and you can have a much nicer trip up there by jeep.

Once my hands had stopped shaking (my biceps are still sore now two days later) and I’d had a coffee and calmed down, Rajesh took me on the tour of the Fort. Again the craftsmanship is breathtaking. One of the palaces is all decorated in mirrors, most of which are still intact, which makes for some fab photo ops. You can only imagine how stunning it must look at night with the candle light!


I was taken into the temple and this one required no money, just a good heart, so I like that one a lot, before we made our way back down the hill into the pink city itself. I found out that it’s called that because the whole city was painted pink to welcome Prince Albert when he came to visit. Ever since there’s been a rule that the buildings must be kept pink. It’s more of a salmon than a Schiaparelli though. I was taken to the Jantar Mantar aka the Observatory and given a brief lesson in Astronomy,

then to see the Water Palace. After I’d taken some snaps and old lady approached me from across the square saying ‘Excuse me miss’ and asking for money. She was telling me she was blind and I asked Rajesh how she could have walked across that square with no stick or dog, and picked me the only tourist there at that point and known that I was female without hearing me speak, if she was blind. He just smiled and told me ‘she’s a good businesswoman’.

From there we went to the City Palace where members of the Jaipur Royal Family still live though to make ends meet they rent the place out too. It had been used for an enormous society wedding the night before, with loads of Bollywood stars in attendance - I wonder if my Bollywood crush Ajay Devgan was there? There was a museum too so I got to see lots of textiles and arms and actually I rather enjoyed it! There was a part of me felt like I was on a school trip but Rajesh was such a good guide, I got interested.

That was the official sightseeing done for the day, so it was time for a bit of lunch and then the really important job of buying shoes! Rajasthan is famous for it’s colourful leather shoes and as I am going to be spending the next three months in a maroon robe on the ashram I figured I might as well get some shoes to brighten up the outfits while I’m mopping floors or whatever I end up doing. Two pairs £10 - result!

After a bit of a rest I ate dinner at the Glitz and watched the show they lay on every night for the guests, three musicians and two dancing girls and a buffet of just about every cuisine going all on the rooftop. It was just what I needed. I have to say I’m getting a liking for the music and the girls were fabulous with their dancing. Some of it is quite raunchy!

Jaipur Journal....Day One

Still overwhelmed by the vision of the Taj Mahal, I said goodbye to Khan and Ramesh and I headed off to Jaipur. We stopped off en route at a place called Fatehpur Sikri. The guide for this place was less inspiring but there was some interesting tales to be told about the Moghul Emperor who married three women - a Christian, a Muslim and a Hindu (which I know sounds like the start of a Bernard Manning joke but isn’t) and as a result founded his own belief system which was an amalgamation of the best bits of every existing religion.

The first half of the tour was the palace, which was lovely but coming after the Taj it kinda suffers by comparison. The second half was the temple he built. It was really inspiring as temples often are, but I was kind of annoyed by the guide taking me to his mate who spun me some line about how I needed to buy a flower, some string and a piece of cloth - all at an exorbitant price - which I could then lay on the altar and make three wishes. All three were guaranteed to come true both the salesman and the guide assured me, which kinda made me wonder why the guide was still wearing plastic shoes! Maybe he was allergic to leather eh?

I’d been warned about this “tradition” and so was able to just say “It’s not my belief” and even through both of them were pretty pissed off at the loss of profit, they couldn’t argue with me, thank god!

Once that was dealt with and I ignored the really big, really rude man at the door of the shrine who outright demanded money off me (I’d already paid Rs300 to get in) we scarpered back to the car. I made a little nest for myself and slept the rest of the way to Jaipur - all three hours of it!

Ramesh dropped me at the hotel he’d booked for me, up until now I’d chosen my own places but the one for Jaipur had screwed up the booking and when I emailed to confirm they claimed no knowledge of it, despite the copies of the emails I sent them! So it was the Hotel Glitz for me!

Well I have to say, it wasn’t the Glitziest place I’ve ever stayed but at £30 a night including breakfast, it was clean, safe and in a good location for my needs. After I’d had a chance to freshen up, Ramesh collected me and took me to see his friend the jeweller. Now I was told several times that there was no expectation to buy anything, but you know me and shiny things! I got him to stop off at the ATM on the way and stocked up on rupees.

There was an American lady in there buying up most of the stock, who I found fascinating. She’d been coming to India since the 60’s and it appeared she filled her jewellery box every time she visited!

While Ramesh’s friend was busy with her, I met my Jaipur guide Rajesh and the Jeweller’s assistant brough us cups of Ginger Chai and some of the spiciest Samosas I have ever eaten! My lips were on fire! Ram and Raj had a special kind of samosa called a Chilli Tempura which made the pair of them sweat and cry, it was hilarious to watch. Eventually the American lady took her leave and the four of us just kind of hung out for about an hour. Then of course I couldn’t resist asking to see one or two pieces. Long story short I bought a necklace made of green Chalcedony and a purple Star Ruby pendant. Both are semi-precious stones and both were made to order, and together they cost less than one night in my Delhi hotel! I so wish I’d brought my mum’s diamonds with me, he sure could’ve knocked me up something special with those!

Flushed with excitement at my purchases Ramesh dropped me back at the hotel where I managed to stay awake long enough to have a wash before collapsing into bed dreaming of jewels!

The Taj Mahal - A Dream Come True

It's in my eyes!


You know how sometimes you build a thing up in your mind to the point where the real thing could never live up to the imagined experience? It could be a film that has all the critics raving and leaves you cold, a date with someone you’ve fancied for years who turns out to be a dullard, or a visit to a special place that you’ve dreamed about for years. As we drove towards possibly the most well known landmark in the world that thought crossed my mind, ‘what if it’s a bit lame in the flesh, so to speak?’

Well folks, I can assure you that after almost a lifetime of looking at photos, seeing it in movies, photographs, etc., the Taj Mahal is more amazing in the flesh than I could possibly have imagined! It’s breathtaking!

Again the lovely Khan took the time to fill me in on the history of the place of Shah Jahan and his wife Mumtaz, of the plans to build an exact copy across the river in black marble for himself, which his son put paid to by locking him up in a jail at Agra Fort so that he couldn’t spend anymore money. I can only imagine how magnificent that would have looked!

The craftsmanship of the place, the fact it took 22 years and 20,000 craftsmen to complete it. How those craftsmen had their fingers chopped off at the end of the job so that they couldn’t replicate their work anywhere else (bit harsh), and how even now 500 years later descendants of those men are still employed on the up keep of the place.

Apparently up to 20,000 visitors come through the gates every day, I was there at 8am and it was pretty crowded already, but somehow the experience wasn’t ruined but the amount of fellow afficionados, the look of awe and wonder on everyone’s faces made it a kind of communal experience.

Days like this I know just how truly blessed I am.

Agra Do Do Do

After what felt like five minutes the alarm started beeping and it was time to be up and out and at ‘em. A steaming hot shower, another round of packing, and a bit of breakfast, and I was off to Agra.

A mere four hour drive from Delhi, it felt longer cos of the general road madness here in India. Normally I am a cracking passenger, because I don’t drive so I don’t critique, but even I can recognise crazy, lollapalooza, nutso driving when I see it! Not my driver, bless him, Ramish has the patience of a saint on the road, but just about every other person behind a wheel of any kind managed to freak me out! Cars, buses, trucks, motor-bikes, tuk tuks, roller skates, name it someone was driving it crazily!

I did enjoy playing the “how many” game though. In the past it’s just been ‘how many people on a motorbike?’ but over here it’s more fun to guess how many people you can cram into a tuk tuk that is probably meant to take no more than three including the driver. I actually saw one with at least 12 inside, three sitting on the back two standing on each side and luggage on the roof! How the hell did it ever move more than one inch?

I did manage a couple of naps though as you do and eventually we were outside my hotel in Agra. I checked in and dumped my case, then off we sped towards Agra Fort. Once there we met my Agra guide, Khan. He was brilliant, about 12 years old and studying for a BA in Business, he told me I reminded him of his mum and that he planned to treat me with respect. Normally I might be a tad offended by that but after the creep in Goa, I’d rather be viewed a mum than a fuckbuddy!

He knew his stuff too! If I’d gone to the fort on my own I’d have been in and out in about 15 minutes, taken half a dozen photos and none the wiser as to the history of the place. His knowledge and enthusiasm really engaged me and it was a brilliant primer for the big one to come - the Taj Mahal.


I have to say though that I am getting more than a bit pissed off with the hawkers here. There’s a real aggression from them here, so much so that even if I wanted to buy something I wouldn’t on principle! They make the ones in Goa look like amateurs! Oh well, once I get to the Ashram there’ll be none of that nuisance!

Look at what is over my shoulder!

A wee bit of dinner - chicken tikka believe it or not. Delicious it was too! I’ve eaten practically nothing but Indian food since I’ve been here and I’ve not had a bad meal yet. After the food, came shower and bed, early start in the morning.

A Mad Dash Around Delhi

My flight to Delhi was simple and uneventful, and on arrival I was met by not one but two chauffeurs! I felt like J-Lo! Turns out the tour company I’d hired for the next six days decided to collect me as well at the smartly suited men from the Metropolitan hotel here in divine downtown Delhi! I took the Met car as I suspected I was probably paying on top for that one! The other was included in the trip anyway.

I'd been warned by several people that the traffic in Delhi was horrendous and if I'd not spent time in places like Bangkok and Kuala Lumpur I may have found it overwhelming, as it was it just seemed about par for the course to be honest!

The hotel wasn’t quite like the Met in London, but not too shabby at all! By the time I got here though I was so shattered I half unpacked, had a shower and quickly checked emails before falling into bed. This chest infection thing is really taking it out of me and the flight didn’t do me any favours on that score.

I was being picked up at 9am yesterday, so it was an early start as I prepped for my day. It’s meant to be a fair bit cooler here than it was in Goa so I went mad and wore my jeans, trainers and socks.

Ramesh my driver and guide for the day was bang on time, and off we went on a whirlwind tour of the city’s landmarks. We started off at Jama Masjid the biggest mosque in the city. It’s an impressive structure, and really relaxed and welcoming. I’d never been inside one before. Another first!

I had to remove my shoes and wear a floral smock over my clothes kinda like the ones they put on you at the hairdressers - if you go to the hairdressers in 1972 that is! The place was full of tourists all of us on some kind of landmark merry go round.

From there I was taken to the Mahatma Gandhi Memorial Park, which is one of many oases of peace in this mad, enormous city!

In addition to all the European tourists, the park was full of children all in school uniform. As the day wore on and I went from sight to sight to sight I saw more and more kids. My theory is that there are no schools at all in Delhi, just hundreds of buses transporting kids from the ages of 4 to 16 around the city constantly. They were so cute though, quite a few of them getting a buzz out of saying hello to me. All of them were incredibly well behaved too, no matter what age they were!

I got to see India Gate, a fairly new landmark at a mere 70 years old, it’s pretty cool and again there were gazillions of schoolkids. Photos taken, it was back in the car and onto Lodi Gardens. Fewer tourists here and more importantly a clean, western toilet! Once relieved it was time for a little wander round. Hard to believe that only a few metres away was all the noise and dust and hassle of the endless traffic. This place really is peaceful! I saw some more of those squirrel things, that aren’t squirrels but I have no idea what they are - feel free to post a comment informing me, please!



I saw a really cool thing, this old hippy guy, obviously not a tourist, who was laid out on a bench reading a hardback book. It was only on the way back to the car that I saw his ‘book’ was in fact a Kindle inside a hardback cover! Cool. Kinda reminded me of the days when men used to hide their porn mags inside the Racing Post.

The highlight for me of all the places I went to has to be The Lotus Temple. It’s run by the Bahai people and is open to all faiths to come and worship their god. I sat in there and gave thanks for all the love I have in my life, gave special thanks for those that I’ve lost whose anniversaries are coming up this month and all around me were Muslims, Hindus, Sikhs, Christians, Jews, Buddhists, you name it we were all in there together. I have to say it brought a tear to my eye and hope to my heart.

Obviously 24 hours is nowhere near enough time in a city like this, but I get the impression it's enormous! Really spaced out and one that without my lovely driver I'd barely have scraped the surface of.

Goa Goa Gone! Part Two

A combination of all the things I’ve whinged on about led me to do a search on the net and I managed to bag myself a good deal at The Taj in Sinquerim, and it was with a massive sigh of relief that I check out of the other place and into there on Sunday afternoon. Not before time too cos the freak rang the bell to my room late Saturday night claiming to be housekeeping. Needless to say I didn’t answer. I guess the reason he did that was cos I’d managed to slip out to the Saturday night market without him seeing me go, so he must’ve been wondering where I was.

The market, btw, which I so roundly slagged off last week, I absolutely loved this week! I bought fabulous silver shoes, some jersey harem trousers and my mate Smiley’s movie Down Terrace on DVD! I hung around and had dinner, chatted with some of the stall holders, and just soaked up the vibe a bit more.

Even though I was only a few kms up the road I was a world away from the muck and dust of Calangute. Manicured lawns, enormous rooms with huge beds and pillows that nobody had drooled on, a pool that was clean and even smelled of chlorine, and staff that weren’t looking for a sugar mummy!

There was a spa, which I made full use of - manicure, pedicure, facial and massage - the restaurants were all amazing and the security hardcore. I had to go through two checks before I could get to reception. As a single woman I was asked if I wanted my phone calls screened and I replied that I did, in fact I told them not to put any calls through as I wasn’t expecting anyone to call me there. After feeling more than a little scared in the other place, these security measures more than put my mind at rest.

So that was it, I am more than ready to leave, I’m feeling the pull of the ashram - I’ll be walking through the gates in eight days’ time and I am so excited! I’m also looking forward to getting out of Goa to be honest. I loved seeing Camilla and Rita, I devoured the dishes at the Redonda, and I’ve enjoyed swimming in the sea and working on my tan, but I doubt I’ll be back. Some places are best left in the memory I guess.

When I’m travelling I get a chance to listen to music more than I do normally, and so far there’s been two stand out artists for me on this trip. Number one has been Adele. I pre-ordered 21 before I left the UK and finally got to download it last week. Holy shit, it’s magnificent! My favourite tracks so far are Rumour Has It, Rolling In The Deep, He Won’t Go, and Someone Like You - just fantastic stuff.

The other is mainly the one tune, Tinie Tempah’s Miami to Ibiza. I’ve not been raving recently (like in the last 15 years) but this one makes me wanna put my hands in the air and whack some Vicks up my nose!

The final note to my tale of Goa woe took place at the airport today. I was all checked in for my flight, just about to go through security, and I heard my name being called. I turned around and who should I see but the freak from the hotel! Jeez! I just scarpered through security away from the fucker!

Goa Goa Gone!

So here I am at Goa’s Diabolim Airport waiting to board my flight to Delhi. From here I head off on a jam-packed six day tour of the ‘Golden Triangle’ - basically a box-ticking exercise whereby I’ll be able to say I’ve done the Red Fort, the Taj Mahal, the Pink Palace, etc etc.

I’m early of course and it gives me a chance to bring you up to speed on my 12 days of beach and bliss.

It didn’t start great with the whole giving rides to strangers thing, but then when I left that godawful Neelam’s The Grand they forgot to charge me for the cab anyway, the dopey twunts. Mind you, they did get a room already paid for that they could re-sell for three nights, so I reckon we’re quits.

So why the early check out? Basically cos The Grand is the worst hotel I’ve ever stayed in. It’s got nothing to do with ratings, they claim to be 4* but I’d give em 2* at a pinch. The apartment was ok, basic and clean. For some reason they felt the need to provide two flat screen tv’s, yet the pillows were sooooo stained with sweat, drool and god knows what else from previous guests that I actually got a chest infection from sleeping on them!

Either that or it’s Legionaires’ Disease from the air-con that dripped filthy water constantly! Or at a pinch it could’ve been caught from the bacteria in the swimming pool, which had a constant film of grease on it, used as it was by the other guests as some kind of massive bathtub - I guess the concept of showering before you get into the swimming pool has yet to catch on with some other nations.

Anyway being sick was bad enough, then I made the mistake of eating lunch there one day. Breakfast was basic but that was included, I figured they might actually make an effort when you’re paying cold, hard, cash for something. I figured wrong. Oh well, lesson learned. After that I ate outside of the hotel at the beach shacks and one particularly amazing restaurant on the Calangute Beach Road, called Redonda. If you find yourself in the vicinity make sure you go, the meals I had there were some of the best I’ve eaten anywhere, never mind in Goa!

So all of those things were a bit shit about the hotel, but the worst thing was every solo female traveller’s nightmare, a member of staff who assumes that a woman travelling alone is desperate for some local cock. Whereas the desk staff were disinterested to the point of rudeness, this rapey cunt actually made my flesh crawl. I told him in no uncertain terms that he had no chance of coming anywhere near me, and he still persisted. He spent half an hour one day walking the length of the pool as I swam telling me how he’d like to go to Bangkok and fuck a ladyboy and how that wouldn’t make him gay. Like I give a shit! I told him I wasn’t interested and still he persisted, and of course in the way of all arrogant men, the last time I let him speak to me he asked if I was a lesbian. I said that I wasn’t but with men like him around it was fucking tempting!

When he wasn’t pestering me, he was sitting by the entrance to the hotel trying to catch me as I went in or out of the place. I took to staying on the beach longer and later every day. That as it turned out was a favour he did me, cos it was while I was toasting myself at my favourite beach shack The Only Place, I met Camilla and Rita.
On day one of us meeting there was something about Camilla especially that seemed familiar. We talked about how much Baga/Calangute had changed over the years, she told me she’d been working the beach selling clothes, jewellery and bags for 30 years and had seen a massive change. I said half joking ‘I’ll bet you were the one who sold me that skirt with the mirrors on, 20 years ago’ and she smiled but didn’t confirm or deny.

That skirt... Man I lusted after it so much, it was all embroidered, short, with mirrors everywhere, and there on Baga beach it looked fantastic. Sadly when I wore it in Ladbroke Grove (just the once) I looked like I was demented! I kept it though and when I began doing stand-up I chopped it up and patched an old pair of Levis’ 501s with it to wear onstage. Anyone who ever saw me perform between 93 and 95 saw those jeans and in a way, that skirt.

Anyway, the next day I went back to the shack and got settled and Camilla came up to me, we were chatting again and when Rita came along the three of us compared notes. It was Camilla who’d sold me the skirt! At the time she had a baby girl in her arms as she was traversing the beach, her first-born daughter, who I recall was gorgeous and so good natured. Well that little girl is 21 now, married and has children of her own! As we reminisced more she recalled how we’d buy a load of fruit from the sellers later afternoon and share it with them. They said they loved having the ‘Watermelon Parties’ with me and my pal Tracy.

It was fascinating to see where our lives had taken us, she remembered that I was a smoker and asked when I stopped. I talked about the loss of my parents and stuff and it was just incredible to catch up on 20 years of life!

So it was with a bit of sadness that I said goodbye to her on Saturday evening - buying a “silver” toe-ring I didn’t really want as a way of giving her a bit of cash. Even though I’m only leaving Goa today, Saturday was my last night is the Hotel Bastardo.