Queen of F**king Sheeba!!!!!!!

How magnificent was The Royle Family last night?????

It might have taken six years to get it back on our screens, but it was well worth the wait. Liz Smith is one of the most fabulous actresses we have and the scene with her and Sue Johnson where she was doing her hair had me bawling like a baby.

I know that Caroline Ahern has had her share of ups and downs over the last few years, but my god girl...you are a total genius! Welcome back and don't leave it so long next time eh?

In other news the gigs at the weekend were fine. Audience numbers were all over the place from 100 on Friday to beyond capacity on Saturday, but the highlight for me this weekend - apart from finally clearing a massive credit card debt I'd run up during my shopping addiction - was watching the excellent Ricky Grover do his thang both nights.

We also got the chance to catch up on each other's lives a bit, something that happens all too rarely as we usually only work together in London and Ricky's always dashing off to another gig.

When they talk about 'funny bones' they could be describing Ricky, he just has em, his turns of phrase, his persona, his timing, he's got it all...a total joy to watch.

Tonight & The Rest Of The Week

Well it's two out of two. Had another cracker tonight, this time at the Vauxhall Tavern were I was on with the gorgeous and newly married Shappi Korsandi, Debra Jane Applby and the vivacious Jem Bristow who was MC'ing.

Pink is definitely my favourite colour, thanks for the encore boys!

On my way home I bumped into an old mate Dan Clark who I haven't seen in the flesh for years, tho we are MySpace pals. We had a little catch up then it was onto the bus home. Such is the glamour of showbiz.

Tomorrow I am off to Southampton for three days to do Jongleurs. I am on with a great bunch of guys including the fantabuolous Ricky Grover, so I'm very excited about that. Whatever you're up to have a cracking weekend, and if you're one of my loyal band of readers, and live in Southampton, come up and say hi.

Faaaaaaaaaaaaaabulous!!!!!!!!

So last night I did a gig at the 'Gay friendly' Comedy Camp in Soho.

I've played there a few times and it wasn't till the last time I did it back at the start of summer that I really felt I'd learned how to do the gig.

I've got a fair few gay male friends (stop shouting fag hag at the back there!) and because they know me I can say what I like to them without fear of offending them. Playing to a bunch of gay male strangers is a different matter.

Now those of you who've seen me might think that I never worry about offending people, but believe it or not I just assume everyone is like me. I am always shocked when people tell me how shocking they think I am.

Anyway last night I was more than a bit nervous and I wasn't the only one, the lovely Nick Wilty was also on and he admitted he gets a bit wound up about doing these gigs for the same reason.

Nick needn't have worried, he had a cracker, and when it came to my turn, so did I!

I just opened my gob and out came all kinds of funny shit, I didn't stick to my regular set, I was ad libbing all over the place, did some new stuff that I came up with at The Glee Club this weekend, and generally had the crowd in stitches.

For the first time ever, I encored before I even left the stage! I guess they figured the poor old cow wouldn't make it up and down the step to the stage again. Whatever the reason, it felt great, and when I came off, Nick came up to me and said it was the best performance he'd ever seen me give, and he's seen me plenty!

My bestest comedy pal Stephen K Amos was in the crowd and to hear him laughing over the top of everyone else was brilliant, as was hearing the host and promoter Simon Happily telling me that I've finally cracked it when it comes to doing gay gigs.

Let's hope he's right cos tonight I am headlining another gay gig called Brouhaha at the legendary Vauxhall Tavern, a place that was home to Lily Savage for so many years. Let's make it two stormers in a row!

Running Off At The Mouth

So, I'm back from my weekend at The Glee Club in Birmingham and what an amazing weekend it was in all kinds of ways.

I was on with a fantastic bunch of people - Adam Bloom, Ian Stone, Nick Revell(Thursday) and Richard Morton (Friday & Saturday) - all of whom made me laugh myself silly.

In additon to them, over at 'the Scottish club' as Jongleurs Birmingham is known, there was Jeff Innocent, Simon Clayton and Otiz Canneloni, so Brum was like Comedy Central. On Friday afternoon as I was buying a coffee in Starbucks I spotted Otiz, so we had a coffee and a natter. He's one of my favourite acts ever to watch, and a really top bloke, he even wrote a gag for me!

On Saturday, Ian, Otiz, Richard and myself were joined very briefly by the lovely Susan Murray who'd stopped off on her way from Manchester to London, all very sociable.

The Glee Club family were minus one member sadly, the lovely Alasdair was at the club in Cardiff, but Griffy, Sharon et al more that made up for his absence.

The four shows we did were all sooooo brilliant and relaxed that I found myself just opening my gob and lots of funny come spilling out, most of the time its stuff that works on the night but I may never be able to use again but there's some bits from this weekend's ad libbing that will grow into great bits, so I am really chuffed.

I managed not to blow my entire wages in Selfridges and Harvey Nicks which is a good thing and came up with two great new bits of material, so all in all, an incredibly positive few days.

I'm Sooooooo Excited!!!!!!!!!!

Off to Birmingham to do a weekend at The Glee Club. Yaaayyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If you're there come and say hi.

Have fun people xx

I Want A Brawwwwwwwn Baby!!!!!!

Over the last year or so I've given up most of my interest in "celebrities" and their carryings on, stopped buying Heat magazine, stopped giving a shit which handbag Collen is carrying, and so on.

One story has transcended the gossip pages over the last few days and become front page news, so I've had no choice but to take notice.

Of course it's Madonna's impending adoption of the 13 month old Malawian "orphan". David Banda.

Put in those terms it sounds a noble thing, but the baby isn't an orphan, he has a dad, who can't afford to take care of him, so had no choice but to put him into the orphanage where Madonna found him.

Now I have been a massive fan of Madonna's for a long, long time. Hell I even bought the Sex book, and didn't even think it was such a bad move. Some of the bondage photos were very erotic I thought.

But, over the last couple of years my admiration of her has been in slow decline. Where once she was a leader, she's merely a follower these days, ripping off ideas from anyone and anywhere. Its no coincidence her record company's nickname for her is "Oldfrapp".

Yes she does have a great body, but to me there is something incredibly tragic about a woman not far off 50 gyrating in a leotard with a bunch of guys young enough to be her son. Her cod english accent is laughable, and all the rumours of her affairs are more than believable.

But with this latest stunt she really has fucked up royally. With the kind of money she has, she could enable David to live happily with his father in his own culture. Hell, she could help the whole village, the whole of Malawi!!!!!!

It's not even orginal is it? Angelina has done a much better job of adopting babies from exotic locations and she did it first!

The baby was flown in this morning with a temporary custody order, and how did the doting Mother to be greet him? Well she didn't, she buggered off to the gym, no doubt she's got a new leotard to squeeze into.

What she reminds me of more than anything right now is that classic Harry Enfield sketch where the wonderful Kathy Burke as Waynetta Slob announces to Wayne that she wants a brown baby, cos all the other mums on the estate have one. Ring any bells Madge?????

I Love It When My Friends Are Successful

Oh man I had just the best night tonight.

A couple of days ago, my pal Gina texted to see if I wanted to go along with her to see Ninia Benjamin doing the first show of this new Sky One reality show 'Cirque de Celebrite'.

I ummmed and ahhhed cos I tend to like spending my Sundays doing nothing more than reading the papers and sleeping. Anyway I thought "sod it" and said yes. I am so glad I did.

As regular readers will know I only met Ninia properly two weeks ago, but totally warmed to her within seconds, Gina and her have been mates for years. But when I heard last week she was gonna be on the show I was dead chuffed for her, she's so madcap and spontaneous that I knew she would shine.

So it was that Gina and I found ourselves outside a Big Top on the side of Sandown Park Racecourse at 4.30 this afternoon. We were given a 'friends and family' wristband and wandered into the holding area. The pair of us were starving, and we saw some manky hot dogs for sale, which did little to excite us.

Gina said "come on, let's go eat dinner with the crew" and off we went. Nobody challenged us as we tucked into Veggie Lasagne and two puddings on the dining bus, it was delicious and put us in the right mood for the show.

We went into the Big Top and took our seats, Gina's had her name on it, mine said Gina's friend! Good job my ego isn't too sensitive eh?

There were all kinds of 'celebrities' there from Carole Smiley who was there to cheer on Handy Andy, to Mikey from Big Brother who was supporting his 'girlfriend' Horse Face Grace, to the very, very charming Simon Cowell who was there for Sinitta.

They sat Gina and I on the front row, and judging by the texts we both got after the show, this was a wise move as we were both in shot most of the show it seems.

Ninia came out in a purple catsuit, looking for the want of a better word, a bugger. If you've seen her, you'll know she isn't skinny, but even an average sized person would look big next to the likes of boring Sophie Anderton and the lovely Emma B. Ninia didn't let it hold her back in any way, she tore around that ring putting on a real show, whilst Gina and I collapsed in fits of laughter.

Then came the actual circus stunts, our girl had to do some balancing thing on a ball and for this they dressed her in a pink and orange tutu! Gawd bless her, she worked that look for all she was worth. She even managed to get onto the ball briefly, we were so proud of her.

Then came time for the results, Ninia had done ok on the judges' votes but she needed the viewing public to make sure she stayed in, and yayyyyyyyyyyyy they came through for her! Gina and I jumped out of our seats screaming when her name was called out!

After the show, they had a little drinks thingy, and Ninia introduced us to most of her fellow contestants, I say most cos neither Gina nor I wanted to meet that racist witch Grace. When she was doing her stunt we booed her like a couple of 12 year olds - I''m guessing we weren't in shot when she was on!

Anyway the ones we met and liked include Emma B, Zammo from Grange Hill, and sweetest of them all little Kenzie formerly of Blazin Squad. I feel a bit dirty for the thoughts I was thinking as this cute little 21 year old stud monkey hugged and kissed me! If only I'd brought my PlayStation, I could've tempted him back to my place!

There are comedians out there who get very jealous when other comics get a break, but I am so glad I aint one of them, I couldn't have been happier tonight seeing my new best friend Ninia take this opportunity by the balls and run with it!

Good on ya gal!

Poisoned!!!!!!!!!!

After my glorious television debut (tx tba) on Wednesday, Thursday found me Leicester bound for a little gig in a place called Bistro Live. It was to be a road trip gig as the money wasn't enough to justify shelling out for a hotel.

So, at 4.30 I found myself in Balham jumping into Andrew Bird's brother's car (his had a leak). We were eventually joined by Patrick Monahan and off we went, through the rush hour traffic. I've met both the guys a couple of times and rate them both as comedians as well as good guys to hang out with.

About 30 mins from our destination, we stopped for a wee break, and starving I picked up a bag of those Haribo Tangfastic sweets. I was feeling tired and figured the sugar would give me energy for the gig.

If you've had em, you'll know how addictive they are, and while I shared em with they guys, I have to say I ate the majority of them over the journey to and from the gig.

Now I haven't gone on about it too much, but since I went to Thailand in March I haven't eaten any chocolate or any kind of refined sugar. I definitely felt the effects of these sweets, I was like one of those hyperactive little fuckers you see on SuperNanny for most of the night!

Friday morning, I woke up with the kind of headache I haven't had in 6 years, the kind of headache I used to get after a 24 hour coke and booze binge. The pain in the neck, shakes, sweating, feeling disorientated...it was freaky!

I guess one of the results of my healthier eating over the last seven months is that my tolerance to any kind of sweets has disappeared. Oh well, another vice on the shit list then.

The gig itself was the weirdest one I've done ever. I've never seen such an odd collection of human beings in one room. It was like they'd all been hypnotised and woke to find themselves in a comedy club with no idea about how to behave.

Andrew was the MC and while he was on, they mostly stared, they stared at Patrick too, till a fairly innocuous comment to a young lad at the front prompted the little queen to have a hissy fit, throw a glass and storm out! Then while I was on, it was going ok but you could tell they just didn't understand how or when to laugh, one of the women stood up and bared her breasts to the room.

Now this would've been fine if she'd been 20 years old with a fine pert pair, but she was closer to 50 and they were just plain nasty! What the hell was she on??????

John Peel Day

It's the anniversary of John Peel's death today and the radio is blaring out Teenage Kicks as I write this.

There's a new compilation album out called Right Speed, Wrong Time which features some of the tunes he used to play on his show. I was in Virgin on Monday afternoon and it was playing. I only had to hear In A Rut by the Ruts to make me hand over my £15 there and then.

I rarely buy cd's these days but some of the money from this one goes to some of John's favourite charities so fair play, and this truly is money well spent.

I can't say I love every single track on there, but then I didn't love every track he played when I used to be listening in my bedroom in Preston desperate to hear the new punk rock music back in the late 70's.

The Ruts' track has a special meaning for me, cos after I heard John play it, I rushed to the Hope and Anchor in Islington to see them play and who should be there checking em out but Mr Peel himself. It wasn't the first time I'd met him, but I was dead chuffed that he remembered me. It was also the start of my friendship with the band, who I remember tipping for the top in a feature I wrote for PopStar Weekly.


The first time I ever met John Peel was on my last night in Preston. I was leaving to start my life in London but the night before he was appearing at Preston Poly and I decided to make that my leaving do. He was such a great guy and I asked him if I could come and watch him work when I got to London. He said yes and gave me a phone number.

I'd been here about a month when I plucked up the courage to call the number. I left a message for him and he called me back to say I could come and sit in on one of his shows. I was so thrilled.

The night I went in is all a bit of a blur, but I can still recall the sheer thrill of watching him present his show, I remember how kind he was, and most of all I remember how his enthusiasm for all new music was sooooooo infectious.

As the years went by I stopped listening to him on the radio, my love of new music dimishing as time passed, but I'll never forget how special he made me feel that night sitting in his studio at Broadcasting House.

Rest in Peace John xx

There's A First Time For Everything

So, last night I did my first ever stand-up gig for television.

In 13 years of doing comedy I've never been asked to do my act on telly cos I've always been considered too rude for the sensitive eyes and ears of the British viewing public.

Well it appears the world has caught up with me and about 5 weeks ago I got an email from a lovely man called Cameron who wanted to know if I'd be interested in appearing on a forthcoming Paramount Comedy Channel series called Comedy Blue. He said it was a celebration of filth and for some reason my name came up (Thanks Addison!).

I jumped at the chance, and there I was last night in the Corn Exchange Theatre in Brighton doing what I do best.

It was a brilliant line-up - Lucy Porter, Rich Hall, Dave Johns, Craig Campbell, Mick Ferry, John Forthergill, Brendan Burns, Dave Foulton, Craig Hill and the very classy and very filthy Mike Wilmot hosting - and the spirit was one of mutual support and encouragement.

The production team were really cool and laid back, which relaxed me as I'd woken up a bag of nerves. Best of all I got to go on second which meant the audience - who were somewhat depleted in numbers due to the fools who stayed home to watch England lose against Croatia - were all fresh and not at all filthed out.

I was a bit nervous, but as one of my gags got a good laugh from the crew during the soundcheck, I was pretty confident I could do it. I guess not having to censor myself at all meant that I could treat it as any other gig.

The make up lady made me look stunning - tho by the time I got back to my flat I looked like a demented drag queen - and my outfit was all black and elegant just like Denzil Washington's cock, and the whole entire experience was just incredible.

Apart from Mr Fothergill and myself, the rest of the gang were staying over, so John and I buggered off and got the train with my new best friend Sarah.

As first times go, the whole thing was a cracking experience.

Deja Vu

So as Monday is my Saturday, I had a blissful day yesterday, took my time getting up, did a bit of tidying, spoke to my Dad and my bestest pal, then headed into town to see a film with my bestest movie-going pal, Paul.

These days we are not that organised and these movie trips are less frequent, they are also sabotaged by the fact that once we've finally decided what we want to see, we've missed the start time.

Yesterday was very different tho, within 20 minutes of meeting up at Virgin in Piccadilly Circus we were ensconsed in the luxury of the massive Odeon Leicester Square about to watch The Departed.

Unless you've been in a coma the last couple of weeks you will know that this has had rave reviews, Martin Scorcese's latest epic, all star cast including Leo DiCaprio and Mat Damon, yadda yadda yadda.

What I hadn't read anywhere when I skimmed the reviews is that its a remake of the Hong Kong thriller Infernal Affairs which I had watched on Film4 a couple of months ago and totally loved.

Halfway through the film I started thinking "I've seen this". Initially I told myself I must've just seen clips on Film 2006 or something, but as it continued I got this really weird deja vu feeling. It wasn't till about 90 minutes it that I finally realised it was Infernal Affairs! Dozy cow or what?

Comparing the two, I have to say the original comes out on top, but there are performances in The Departed that just blew me away. Specifically Jack Nicholson's. He was mesmerising, I was totally awestruck whenever he was on screen, and goddammit, I still would, would, would even tho he's ancient now!

On the JoJo Smith patented film rating scale where enjoyment of the movie is counteracted by me wanting to nip out for a smoke - 0 fags being an excellent movie best ever in the world of cinema and 5 fags being a pile of steaming cack - The Departed rates a very impressive 1 fag. And to be really honest it only got that cos it was a two and a half hour movie, half an hour shorter and I would've given it a 0.

Totally brilliant, well worth every penny of the £12.50 they charged us to get in, go see this movie right now!

God I Love MC'ing!!!!!!!

This weekend was my first time compering for about a month and I loved it.

As the DJ called my name I had no idea what I was gonna do or talk about, it was real 'seat of the pants' stuff, but by the time I took the mic out of the stand I was off. It's brilliant fun just to start talking bollocks and have a couple of hundred people laughing their socks off. It's such a high and encourages you to go further and wilder.

I guess the difference with this and doing my regular set is that I know the set works, but when I am winging it, its more honest, its me without the finely honed tricks, so when people 'get' it, they are getting me. I guess we all wanna be accepted in whatever we do, its just that some of us go to crazier extremes to find that acceptance.

Richard Morton was feeling a bit poorly this weekend but he stormed both nights, and was so full of praise for what I was doing. Coming from him those compliments really mean something.

We were reminiscing about a party we went to years ago for Jack Dee, and Prince Naseem the boxer was there. It must've been about 11 years ago. I had taken full advantage of Off The Kerb's free bar, and decided on the perfect way to make Richard famous.

If you haven't seen Rich, he's of diminutive stature, in fact he's about the same size and height as Prince Naseem, so in my drunkeness I decided that if he was to punch the Prince he'd get into all the papers and be dead famous. I spent ages trying to gee him up, trying to convince him that this would make his career. As Rich said this weekend one more drink and he might've actually listened and agreed with me, and ended up in hospital for months!

God bless sobriety!

Sunshine On Leith

Happens to be the title of the best Proclaimers' song ever. It also happens to be relevant to this weekend's gigs as I'm off to Edinburgh later.

The gig - Jongleurs - is at the top of Leith Walk kinda, and whenever I play there I remember a particularly mad night I had with Michael Smiley and Adam Bloom one Edinburgh Festival many, many years ago.

Adam had won an award and Smiley and I decided to help him celebrate. After exhausting the bars at The Spiegletent and Late 'n' Live, whe found ourselves wandering down Leith Walk and into a 'restaurant' with a bunch of people we collected on the way.

We sat there laughing, drinking and talking bollocks till about 9am the following morning. It was great fun, except I'd talked so much bollocks I lost my voice and couldn't do my gig that night! Oh to be young and foolish again! Not.

Its a bit of an odd weekend, I'm looking forward to the gigs and Patrick who runs the venue is fabulous, but it's also the anniversary of my Mum's death. A year ago today I was in Bristol working when I heard the news that her suffering was over.

I was working with Richard Morton that weekend and I am on with him again this weekend so there's a kind of symmetry there. He's such a lovely warm human being, not to mention being a top turn. As are the other two guys on the bill, Mark Maier and Trevor Crook, if the website is to be believed. I hope it's accurate, I can't think of three guys I'd rather spend this weekend with.

Have a good one folks xx

But Is It Art?

So this afternoon I made my annual visit to see the Turner Prize nominees. I've been every year for the last three years and picked two out of the three winners. I'm like the Mystic Meg of the art world me!

I have to say I wasn't that hopeful about this year's bunch, what I'd read and seen so far didn't fill me with desire and wonder.

This year's nominees are Tomma Abts, Rebecca Warren, Phil Collins and Mark Titchner and their work covers abstract paintings, sculpture, video and multimedia installation. I have no idea about what is considered "good" art, for me it's like music, it either stimulates me in some way or it doesn't.

I really liked Rebecca Warren's sculptures. In a way, they reminded me of those statues/carvings of the 'noble savages' you see for sale in various furniture/gift shops.

Tomma Abts' paintings were brilliantly executed but with the exception of one, didn't move me in any way. A lot of them looked like the 'wall art' you find in show homes or hotel rooms.

Phil Collins has come a long way from 'In The Air Tonight'* and his video piece featuring an at times hilarious intervew with a Turkish woman who met and married a man on TV within a week, was gripping to watch. Not sure it was art tho (whatever that is). It was more like a classy episode of The Jeremy Kyle Show.

My pick of the bunch is Mark Titchner's work. There was a fabulous painting, some weird optical illusion thing that almost had me going boss-eyed looking at it, and some kinda weird electrical installation thing that was supposed to be worked by the power of the mind. Maybe my mind was a bit dull but I couldn't get it to operate.

We'll have to wait till December to see who wins, so perhaps a small flutter might be in order.


* I know, I know, it's not THAT Phil Collins!

Contraception Television

I recently found out that due to various things being broken in my 'lady bits' I'll probably never have children. Being 45 and celibate for the last two years this is not a huge shock, as time was running out. In the words of my great mate John Fothergill, my ovaries are "like an old tin can with a couple of mouldy baked beans rattling around in the bottom".

It's one thing kinda leaving it to fate regarding producing offspring, it's another being told that even if you found the man of your dreams tomorrow and started trying for a baby the day after it still won't happen. I guess I don't like the choice being taken away from me. But its my karma I guess. Who knows? Maybe I had a dozen kids in a previous life.

After yet another hospital trip today I was feeling a bit blue, the photo's of Tom and Katie's bizarrely cute little baby staring at me from the cover of Vanity Fair on the coffee table didn't help either.

Anyway, after dinner I put the tv on and caught Family Brat Camp on C4. It couldn't have come at a better time! What with SuperNanny and this, it seems that having a child is a nightmare from start to finish.

Perhaps my condition is a blessing not a curse!

iPod Rip

I may be the last person in the universe to discover this site, but in case I'm not, any iPod owners should do themselves a favour and download this program.

www.thelittleappfactory.com/application.php?app=iPodRip

The story behind me finding and indeed needing this site is a tragic one.

A musician friend of mine was sending me mp3's of his and somehow, someway, something went wrong. After repeated download attempts I clicked some buttons, and before I know it my iTunes library of 5000 songs disappeared.

They were however still all there on my ancient iPod, so all I needed to do was transfer them back, easy enough right? Wrong!

I spent 6 hours on the phone to Apple, chasing various false leads and wondering which bits of crap on my computer I can delete. I had a back-up of all the tunes but when I attempted to re-instate it, I kept getting told that I didn't have enough memory. I also had about half a dozen files all over the place all called "Music".

In desperation I called the one person I should've called 6 hours earlier, Mickey Hutton, comedian, musician, and all round brilliant geezer. He uttered the magic words 'iPodRip' and told me everything would be fine.

There were a few teething problems in that it wouldn't even open at first, but after I got back from my gig on Saturday night I took a deep breath and deleted all the music in my computer, plugged in the iPod and opened iPod Rip....boom! All the tunes back where they belonged.

I'm not sure why Apple don't have a program like this on their computers, it seems stupid that you can only transfer songs one way ie iBook to iPod and not back again.

Anyway folks there ya go, iPodRip...the answer to all our prayers

Last Wishes

I'm a relatively healthy woman of 45 (I know, I don't look it, shhhh), I don't expect to die anytime soon, at least not from natural causes.

Thing is, these days there are plenty of unnatural causes out there. Bush'n'Blair's unrelenting campaign to stamp out anybody who disagrees with their fundamentalist Christian views of how the world should be run means that just using public transport can be dangerous.

You could go into hospital to have your tonsils out and catch one of the "superbugs" and be shuffling off your mortal coil before you know where you are.

You could just be in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Perhaps I am a bit odd, but I've never really feared death, and since becoming Buddhist I am totally at peace with the idea that this body is just a suit that will eventually wear out, to be replaced with a new one sometime in the future. Basically dying is as much a part of living as being born.

One thing that does concern me tho, is making sure that the people I care about are informed of my demise, and that anything I want them to have gets to them.

I have a very basic will that leaves everything to my dad, but the reality is he's not gonna be interested in my collection of designer handbags, but my mate Tracy would love them I know. Its not really something you wanna go into detail with when talking to a high priced lawyer who's charging by the hour.

Then there's the palaver of letting everyone know you're no longer around. In the olden days everyone lived close by their friends and family, so a death notice in the local paper did that job adequately.

I dunno about you, but I have pals all over the world, and I'd want them all to know. My dad is 80 years old and to be really honest he'd have no idea where to begin when it comes to informing people.

Yes he could go through my address book, but the reality is that is woefully out of date, most of my phone numbers are in my mobile and nowhere else.

Then there are the people who's numbers are not even in my phone, people around the world I communicate with only by email. Now my dad has trouble working his dvd player, expecting him to switch my computer on and know where to look to find my friends email addresses is a total waste of time.

Now obviously, if I were to contract a terminal illness, hopefully I'd have time to put all my affairs in order, like my mum did when she was diagnosed with cancer. She made the gifts of personal effects before she died, everyone who knew her, knew she was ill.

But what if I was out of town doing a gig, and happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time? Hell you can't even have a McDonalds without risking your life in some parts of the country!

As a single woman, I sometimes go a couple of days without speaking to anyone on the phone or in person. If I were to die suddenly, it could be a while before anyone knew I'd gone, let alone mates in Australia finding out.

This was all brought home to me last week after my six day jaunt around the country. I went online when I got home and my pal Mat who designed my website, admitted he was worried about me. He'd no idea I would be gone that long, and he'd thought "What if something bad happened to her, I'd never know?". Mat and I have been mates for two years but never even spoken on the phone let alone met, so nobody would even really know about him, let alone know how to contact him.

We chatted back and forth and he came up with the idea of a website, kinda like MySpace, where you could securely list the email addresses and phone numbers of all your friends, as well as providing a list of who you want your copy of FIFA 2006 to go to.

Now he's the technical whizz here, and his company Yadabyte, are one of the most exciting web design companies I've seen which is why I chose him to do my website, so he's now working on the finer points of the site.

He expects it to be up and running within a month, but in the meantime there's a homepage you can register on right now. You leave an email address and will be contacted when the site is up and running.

It might seem a bit macarbe, but to me its just a way of making things easier for the ones left behind.

Check it out www.thingstodoifidie.com

Without A Paddle

So back to earth with a bump this weekend as I left the opulence of the great theatres behind and returned to the circuit.

My gigs were at Up The Creek, and I was doing a set, so a nice easy time you'd think. Wrong.

The transport systems were all up the spout cos London Underground are finally getting around to fixing all the ancient tube lines, so that was hassle one. The round trip to Greenwich took three hours both nights!

On Friday night the MC was my old mate David Haddingham, who I haven't seen since we terrorised some students a couple of years back. He's sporting a very 70's Bodie and Doyle look with curly hair and leather bomber jacket. I almost didn't recognise him!

He'd be the first to admit that his heart wasn't really in the compering, but it wasn't Dave's fault. The audience were the oddest I've seen in a long time. Very young, very pilled up and appearing to have no idea what happened in a comedy club.

They had to throw four of em out while the first act Craig Campbell was on. I must say he handled it incredibly well.

I always knew it was gonna feel odd going back to playing to 200 people after crowds of 1000 plus, so I was kinda prepared, but not prepared enough. Sure fire lines that were rocking the house last weekend were met with puzzled stares. It was like they didn't "get" that these were jokes... very odd.

The best that can be said of Friday is that I did my time and about 50 people really enjoyed it. I took some consolation that it wasn't just me, nobody had a great gig, we all kinda got away with it to be honest.

Saturday was a whole different kettle of fish. The MC was Ninia Benjamin, who I've never worked with and only met once, briefly, years and years ago. I'd seen her on 3 Non Blondes, and thought she was the funniest one, but never seen her do stand up.

She was fabulous, she stormed onto the stage and took the room by the balls, quickly setting up the right attitude and atmosphere for a night of great comedy. Her personality is fantastic, I was roaring with laughter at her.

I so rarely work with women, and when I work with a good one it makes me raise my game. In between laughing my ass off at her I was thinking 'Fuck she's good, I'd better pick it up a step or two'.

David Haddingham was on first and he had a corker, then after the break it was me and I had a proper Up The Creek gig finally. It was amazing I only did about half my set as the ad libs were flowing thick and fast...wonderful.

Terry Alderton was closing and I caught a bit of his storming set before I headed off for the long trek home... Three storming sets and a wicked MC that's how a night at a comedy club should go, made the schlepp worth it.