Three Weeks In...

Aside from the rubbishness of today's hospital visit, I've been having a pretty good time since I got back from India.

I've caught up with old pals like the divine Ms Gina Yashere, the gorgeous Ms Ninia Benjamin, and the fabulous Mr Stephen K Amos for a series of lunches that have been splendid for both the food and the conversation.

I've realised that my shopping addiction was way out of hand before I left and since my return I've been digging out the masses of clothes I had in storage instead of buying new stuff. To be fair there's been no incentive to buy summer clothes since I returned and in fact I had to remove my winter wardrobe from storage and put it back where I could get at it!

I've been back to my yoga classes and rejoined the gym so that I can retain the fitness I achieved whilst I was away, and best of all, I've been back onstage.

Before I left for India I genuinely wasn't sure I would ever do another gig, and to be honest didn't miss it all that much either. But from the first gig back at Up The Creek to this weekend in Sheffield at The Last Laugh, it's been amazing! I've loved every second I've been onstage and my renewed love of performing has made for some cracking gigs.

This coming Saturday sees me celebrating 18 years of stand-up and I'll be at The Glee Club in Oxford MC'ing a fabulous line-up, so if you're local, come along and say hello.

My diary is slowly filling up for the remainder of my time here in London, and I plan to make the most of each and every show.

Getting Older Is Shit!

Sooo today I went to the hospital to see the rheumatologist again.

For the last two and a half years since I was first diagnosed with lupus I've been seeing a really nice old doctor every six months to try and get to the bottom of what it actually is that's wrong with me.

Each time I go there are new symptoms to add to the original ones, and the added bonus that the original symptoms are worse than they were 6 months previously, so this is never a happy visit.

Today the kindly old man wasn't there, instead a woman who I would guess was in her late 30's saw me. She went through my file as I sat there and got the basics pretty wrong, but we got that sorted and I thought we were on the same page.

As I described the newer symptoms and confirmed that the old ones had indeed gotten worse in spite of five months of not working and being essentially on holiday she decided to have a feel around. She felt my right hand and casually informed me of the 'wear and tear Osteo-Arthritis' in my finger joints and my wrist, the same with the left hand. This casual diagnosis continued as she felt my elbows, shoulder, ankles, toes and finally my knees. She informed me it was quite bad on my right knee in particular.

I was a bit stunned I have to say because since 1991 when I was first diagnosed with assorted symptoms of RSi, I have been regularly monitored for arthritis and it's always come back negative. When I began my early menopause four years ago I had bone density tests as well as various blood tests, all of which came back clear. Two and a half years ago the original rheumatologist ruled out arthritis of any kind as the cause of my swollen and perpetually aching joints, and now this woman tells me categorically that I have Osteo-Arthritis just about everywhere in my body!

Then of course she informs me that beyond the anti-inflammatories that I already take - the ones that if you take the prescribed dose will fuck up your kidneys - and the exercise that I already do, there is nothing to be done about it. It's just 'one of those things' that happens as you age.

I asked her about all the other lupus-like symptoms that I have and that are indeed getting worse and she said that while I "probably do have lupus" that's not the reason my bones are fucked. Lovely.

I can't begin to express how scary I find this diagnosis. I accept that as you get older your body wears out - HH The Dalai Lama describes it as a suit that gets worn from a life of use - I'm not exactly ancient at 50! What gets me the most is that in the five and a half years since I had my gastric bypass I've been healthier than I ever have in my life technically speaking, yet I have never been sicker!

Ten years ago when I was running around the world getting coked off my tits, smoking 40 fags a day, drinking like there was no tomorrow and weighing a mahooooosive 22 stones I had no health issue at all. Well apart from the smoker's cough, hangovers and the odd nosebleed of course. I am fully aware that I am 10 years older, but even so it just seems to be a relentless yet agonisingly slow march to the grave.

Maybe I should get back on the booze and the beak and go out with a bang eh?

I'm Back Bitches!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Soooooo it’s 7 days today since I walked back into my flat after being away for four and a half months. In some ways it feels like I was away a lot longer, but in others it seems a matter of minutes.

I have to give a massive shout out to my pal Sarah who, the entire time I was away, checked on my flat, took care of my post and paid all kinds of bills for me, and the day before my return stocked up my fridge with all kinds of goodies including a bottle of champagne! Awesome. Friends are your family sometimes.

Towards the end of my trip I was looking forward to coming back to London and I’ve certainly hit the ground running since I landed. A ton of paperwork has been dealt with - including tackling British Gas who keep sending bills implying that my Dad’s ghost is using more gas than he ever did when he was alive - I’ve also begun to sort out the mountain of clothing and crap that’s collected over the 11 years I’ve lived in this flat. The charity shops are rejoicing!

I got my hair cut and coloured, embarked on numerous other grooming rituals, checked out every one of my favourite clothes shops - H&M seem to have completely lost their way fashion-wise - and somehow amongst all of that I found myself onstage at my favourite London comedy club last night.

A couple of weeks before I came back to London it hit me that I actually did miss performing, and as I hadn’t taken a single booking before I left, decided that I ought to put some feelers out. Now most clubs book up around six-eight months in advance these days (if not further ahead), but I figured there might be the odd gap here and there, so I set about contacting the promoters of clubs I really enjoy playing. The response was really positive, and I began to fill up my diary for the summer.

Last night was the first and as I made my way to Up The Creek I was a bit amazed at how calm I was. I was excited about doing the gig but no fear at all. Strange. Then, as the intro music began I felt my stomach flip right over. I felt nerves the like of which I’d not known for a very long time.

Next thing I knew I was onstage and within 15 seconds it was like I’d never been away - in a good way - I was playing with the crowd, setting the mood and loving being back in the limelight! In the words of the disgraced pedo-pop star Gary Glitter, ‘it’s good to be back’.