One Thing I Really Love...

about travelling is the freedom to wander.

So much of our lives is about getting from A-B as quickly as possible, meeting this or that deadline, being and doing what others expect and want from us.

So when I have a break I like to not be too regimented. If its a country I've not visited before I will have a wish-list of places I want to see, but if its somewhere I've already visited I like to have no plans at all.

This is my fourth time in Barcelona and I've "done" the sights in the past. Sagrada Familia - check. Park Guell - check. Picasso Museum - check. Joan Miro Foundation - check. You get the idea. I arrived with only one desire, to see the beach. Bizarrely, I've never made it there before.

I've spent the last three days just wandering about, I've found the beach and sunbathed on it, not to mention checked out the architecture!


As I've wandered I've stumbled across some amazing buildings I'd not seen before and some I have. I went back to Sargrada Familia the other night, it's been 15 years since I last saw it, and I have to say the building work is coming along! Watching its slow progression reminds me of the time I got my bathroom fitted by Dolphin!


I also had a look at Richard Meier's gorgeous building for MACBA, the contemporary art museum. There was a terrifically inspiration exhibition by French artist Gil J Wolman, who takes my phrase "artist with words" to its logical conclusion.


This really is a beautiful city, during my afternoon on the beach yesterday I watched as children and adults made their way down here after school and work. Imagine being able to do that! It would make having a 'real' job a lot more attractive!

The street art is cool too!

Top Of The World Ma!

So here I am in sunny, sunny, fabulous Barcelona baby!



What with the World Cup affecting almost every sphere of entertainment, I decided that a few days in one of my favourite cities was in order. Thanks to Expedia, I got a great little deal on the flight and hotel, and now here I am.

The experience started off well when I checked into my "design" hotel and was informed that as they were almost full I was getting upgraded to a 10th floor room for nowt. The guy on reception said that had I been a smoker I'd have been sleeping in the broom closet! I knew this non-smoking thing was a good idea!

This is my fourth time in Barcelona, and its starting to feeling familiar. I not longer need to run around ticking off all the sights, cos I've seen and done them before. The only thing I hadn't seen before was the beach!

I made up for that yesterday, as I walked down the Ramblas with its Camden Market-style market. It seems that you must have dreadlocks to get a stall down here, and carried on down to Barcelonetta beach.

Being a Sunday, it was rammed with locals and tourists, but how brilliant to have a beach at the end of your road! Barcelona is what London could be if we shifted and took over Brighton!

The walk also opened my eyes to the amazing architecture of the city - not just the delicious Gaudi buildings popping up where you least expect to find them - but the old, grand, majestic stuff down by the docks.


I spent hours indulging in one of my favourite hobbies - people watching - and sipping cafe con leche whilst topping up my tan in a dress that is far to short for a woman of my age! I walked loads too, stopping for coffee breaks when the old knees complained, and saw some wonderful sights including this fish which I was convinced was a Frank Gehry, but if it was they were keeping it a secret*



Later, whilst England were busy being rubbish against Germany, I hit MareMagnum shopping mall where I made use of my Desigual discount card and got a fab little pair of denim shorts. I also hit the other Spanish shops I love so much - Bershka & Mango - where I got stuff cheaper than London.

Taking a slow stroll back to the hotel I stumbled on the Palau Guell, a Gaudi building, which was sadly closed for renovation. His stuff just makes me smile. I love it!


Finally, I took advantage of the amazing views from the hotel roof and caught the sunset...


* I guess they just don't need to brag about it, but it IS a Frank Gehry!

The One Thing Nobody Tells You...

when you lose your second parent is just how incredibly alone you feel.

We're only halfway through 2010 and the amount of life changing events that have happened for me is astonishing. This six months has had more loss in it than the previous six years!

When I was reading my yearly horoscopes at the end of 2009 it was all about the massive changes coming my way in the new year. Now like most people I only believe Mystic Meg et al if they're telling me what I want to hear, and bizarrely change is something that doesn't scare me at all these days.

It used to, I used to want to keep everything exactly the same and perfect and nobody leaves and nobody does anything unexpected, then I became aware of Buddhism and the teachings simply pointed out that that is not possible, that everything changes (just like Take That told us all those years ago), and that is just how it is. Once I came to believe that in my heart as well as my head, life got a lot easier.

So I was kinda buzzing about this year, not knowing that some of those changes were pretty momentous. I guess it started at the tail end of 2009 when Regent Inns went bust and I lost a load of work with Jongleurs. It took me a while to get into their roster of acts and once I did, I quickly got used to the great organisation, good money, decent accommodation, and comforting regularity of the whole thing. It didn't make me stagnate, as some acts claimed, cos I've never looked down on groups of stags or hens as something to be despised. They might be a bit drunker and rowdier than your average crowd, but for most clubs and not just Jongleurs, they are what makes a crowd! Without them, you'd be playing to half empty rooms!

The massive drop in earnings did scare me, not to mention the gaps that opened up in my diary as I lost shows at all the clubs that shut! Luckily that fear was soon turned around as I was able to fill every single gap with gigs at other clubs. The money wasn't as good, but I was working and seeing lots of new comics and keeping out of mischief. It has made me question my comedy "career" tho.

I think I'm doing some of my best work, but aside from the time onstage which I love more than anything, the rest of it, the politics, the industry, the petty squabbles and rivalry, the bullshit, are really getting to me.

These thoughts have only come to a head as 2010 and it's "changes" began to kick in. It started positively, I booked a little birthday trip to Thailand just before new year, which I was sooooooo looking forward to.

As February kicked in so did the rubbish stuff.

My Dad finally got a date for his heart valve operation, 8th February. I wasn't that keen for him to have the operation, but he was getting breathless performing the simplest of tasks, and when the surgeon mentioned this valve could give him another 5 years or so, he jumped at the chance. He wanted to be able to carry on living independently, to be able to go to the pub, do his shopping, nothing excessive, just not end up in a home or god forbid, with me taking care of him!

We used to joke about what it would be like if that happened. I likened myself to Nurse Ratchett from One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest, and promised him he wouldn't linger with me in charge! I was joking of course, but the grim reality of having to move back to Preston did terrify me. At the same time I knew I couldn't leave him in an old folks' home either.

Anyway he'd been fretting about getting his stuff together for the hospital stay and I promised I'd be up to sort everything out. I am so glad that I didn't break that promise. His admission date was 8/2/10 and I went up the weekend before and shopped and packed and kept his spirits up as by now the reality that he was about to have major heart surgery at the age of 83 was kicking in.

I told him he didn't have to have the op if he was that worried, but he wanted it. I told him to focus on how great he'd be feeling afterwards when he was all healed and able to spend the summer afternoons sitting at the bowling club with a beer in his hand. He kept talking about how he could 'die on the table' and I said that of course that could happen, but it could happen if you were having an ingrowing toenail removed!

To me, the idea of "dying on the table" didn't seem such a bad one really. You'd be unconscious, your last thoughts would be positive ones, it'd be pain free, and hey you'd never bloody know would you!

Things pretty quickly went wrong. The day after the op he was told the valve had slipped and as I've written before it was a pretty steep slope leading to his death 20 days after the operation.

My relationship with my parents was rocky to say the least, but I found my friendship and love for my Dad increased a million-fold as I was able to be with him for the last month of his life. I will never stop being grateful that I put aside history, and gave my attention to his well-being for that all too brief period.

In the midst of all those dramas of course, there was the sudden, senseless, death of my friend Jason Wood. He died eight days before my Dad, and his death is something I don't think I'll ever comprehend. I still walk into clubs expecting to see him in the dressing room.

In one month I lost two men from my life who were a pretty big part of my support system. Jason was so wise and such an excellent listener. My Dad, well he was my safety net. He may not have been the best Dad in the world, but he was my Dad, and now he was gone.

The other big change I guess, was the diagnosis late last year, of lupus. At the time it was simply a case of swollen fingers and achy knees, but the stress of these events has led to the symptoms increasing pretty rapidly.

What a selection of symptoms I have too! My hair is falling out in clumps, I collapse/faint on a fairly regular basis, there are days I can barely walk cos of the pain in my joints. I'm having trouble remembering that a year ago I was doing head and handstands in yoga. These days a downward dog damn near kills me!

The worst thing tho is the lack of healing. I've had two minor operations and both have ended with repeated hospital visits and infections and just hassles nobody wants or needs.

I'm writing this in my room on the 10th floor of a rather swish hotel in Barcelona, and while all the stuff above seems like I am feeling maudlin or sorry for myself, I'm not. The changes sure are coming, and they're coming thick and fast. Yesterday was my 17th anniversary of being a comedian. Will I have another 17 years on the circuit, I doubt it. What Jason's and my Dad's deaths have taught me is that life is too short to not make the most of every moment we're here.

The lupus has made me realise that my dream of travelling when I'm older might be a waste of time. If I don't improve, a trip to Sainsbury's might be a huge deal in 10 years' time! So here I am, making the most of the moments, taking trips, making plans while at the same time being in the now, and while I am completely "alone" I'm not lonely. I feel a connection to this world I've not felt ever before.

I'm not sure what the next phase of my life will bring, but I'm open to all offers and embracing whatever this life has in store. I owe it to those I love, their lives are a huge inspiration.

Hmmmm....

"May you live in interesting times" so the old Chinese curse goes.

This week its been both a blessing and a curse.

The curse has been health problems and general NHS incompetence, but then that's par for the course these days. The carpal tunnel wound was bound to get infected and when I asked for anti-biotics at the time of the surgery, the nurses looked at me like I was crazy.

Tuesday I turned up for the follow-up appointment for the hernia that never went away and is now twice the size it was before the initial op. I arrived at 8.45 and was told the clinic had been cancelled. It was claimed that a letter had been sent to me on 27 May cancelling the appointment, I didn't receive this letter , but then as my appointment was only made on 1 June, how could I have? Fucking incompetent fools!

The blessings have been manyfold tho too thank god! I spent some quality time with my oldest and dearest friend, and we even booked a Christmas trip to Moscow together. Looking forward to that one.

I queued up for and got the iPhone 4, sadly not everyone in the queue was as lucky. I haven't had a lot of time to find my way around it yet, but what I have seen I love!

The sunshine has arrived with a vengeance and that is a massive blessing, London really comes into itself when we get some sun.

I had a great time in Leicester last night with my old comedy chum Mike Gunn, who very kindly gave me a lift back to my door as well as showing me some of the tricks of the iPhone!

Biggest blessing of all this week, I'm off to Barcelona today! For five whole wonderful days! I so cannot wait. Its one of my favourite cities in the world, and its gonna be brilliant!

Fun Time

So last weekend I was gigging at The Comedy Cafe for the first time in a while, and what a blast I had.

It's the club's 20th anniversary year, and so some of the comedians who started out playing here have returned to say thank you to the wonderful Mr Noel Faulkner who's run the gaff from the start.

Thursday night I was on with the amazing Terry Alderton who said its been nearly 20 years since he last gigged here. He tore the room up as usual. Alan Francis was on too, who I haven't seen work for a looooong time. He was on cracking form too. He's been doing more acting than stand-up recently, but he's back with some terrific material and a renewed sense of confidence.

Inspired by the comedy talent I even improvised a whole new bit myself!

Friday and Saturday I was on with Ed Byrne, Simon Fox and Tommy Campbell. Another trio I've not seen or worked with for ages. Ed and I used to play here regularly before his career took off and I have to say it was an utter joy to see him on that stage again. He was running in new material and it was terrific stuff.

Simon and Tommy were on great form too, and the audiences loved the entire night, judging by the feedback I got afterwards.

Thank you Noel and here's to your next 20 years!

This Is The First...

... Father's Day since my Dad died.

Really didn't expect it to hit me this hard!

This Week's Surgery....

... took place at The Chelsea & Westminster Hospital.

It was the long awaited (20 years!) and previously delayed (due to the complications with the hernia op) carpal tunnel operation on my left hand.

I saw the specialist about four months ago and she told me about this wonderful new procedure that was so slick and simple, you were barely aware you'd been operated on. All you had was a tiny little scar - maybe 2mm - and one or two stitches. Best of all the recovery time was minimal.

That last bit was really important to me because when I had my right hand done two years ago I remember the hassles I had with just coping with life minus one hand, not to mention the pain as it healed. I'm pain free in my right hand now of course, and I sure don't regret having the op, but at the time I told myself I'd be reluctant to go through it again.

Assured by the surgeon that I'd have none of that grief this time I agreed to the new, improved operation. So it was scheduled for last Friday afternoon. I was told to be there by 2.40 tho there was no guaranteed time for the surgery. I was down as a stand-by act for Highlight for the weekend and with the footie the odds were I'd not be leaving the dressing room at Camden, so had no worries about making it there on time.

At 12.30 I got a call from the hospital asking if I could come in asap, someone hadn't turned up and they were moving everyone up the list. Suited me fine, I had to nip to the bank but if we were all being done early, I could go afterwards. I was just about to have lunch but again figured I could manage a couple of hours without food. I hopped on the bus and was there by 1.10. I was given a locker and a pair of those sexy gowns and asked to change.

I made my way out to the waiting area for day surgery patients and the telly was showing the opening of the World Cup in South Africa, so along with numerous other patients and most of the nurses I sat and watched the spectacle.

About 2.30 a nurse came along to talk me through the op and get me to sign the consent form. That's when the fun started, somewhere in the four months, some management twonk at the hospital had done their sums and realised that in the short-term the new way of operating was more expensive. Forget the fact that patients lost no work, there were fewer complications and infections etc., it was costing extra for the ultra-sound technician, so they were scrapped.

I was pissed off , but hey thanks to our glorious new leadership I suspect this is the first of many such cutbacks in the NHS. What really pissed me off tho, is that no-body thought to inform any of the patients! I'd done no preparation for this. Last time I stocked up on groceries, made sure there was no washing to be done, put clean sheets on the bed etc., etc., cos I knew I'd be incapacitated.

This time, I was led to believe I'd practically be doing handstands straight afterwards, so I'd done nothing. Also, like I said I was due at a gig that evening! Last time I didn't work for a couple of weeks.

Their attitude was one of "couldn't give a shit-ness" and I was told they'd get the surgeon to have a word with me. I was also told I was like the fourth person to complain that day alone!

By 3.30 the surgeon showed up, she'd been in a meeting! Who the hell was doing all the operations then? I never found out cos I insisted it was the least she could do, I didn't want someone from the kitchens doing it with a friggin' can opener!

At around 4pm they started. Jesus it hurt! I had local anasthetic but I could still feel her yanking the carpal tunnel itself as she cut it open and freed the nerves. She told me she was trying to minimise the length of the wound and this made it all the more distressing as she poked and prodded. I know that I couldn't really feel the pain cos the nerves were frozen but psychologically I was more than are that my left hand was being sliced open!

After what seemed like an eternity stitching it all back up, I was left to go and get dressed again. The stress of that brought on one of my little faints, and yet again I was lucky not to bang my head when I went down!

When I emerged from the changing room, I was handed an assortment of appointments - all made without checking my availability - and a box of co-codamol to kill the pain. I looked at the times and dates of the follow-ups, and neither were convenient for me. Still feeling shaky from my blackout I asked if they could be re-arranged and was rather abruptly told that they couldn't.

It was here, dear reader, I lost it. Refraining from using the words that would've really expressed my feelings, I stated my situation and informed her that until the appointments were made at times that I could actually attend I wasn't leaving.

Normally, I'm as quiet as a church mouse in these situations. I have big old scenarios in my head, but the reality is I am usually scared to piss people in authority off, so I take any old bollocks from them. Not this day! That nurse buggered off and her superior came along and tried to make me rearrange my lift to suit them, and again I stood my ground (well sat it - to be honest I was happy not to move in case if blacked out again!). Then her superior turned up from some back-room somewhere and finally she listened.

Well wouldn't you know it? Turns out these things can be re-arranged! Isn't it amazing? What couldn't be re-arranged of course was my ability to work, and so yet again I lose money cos other people don't do their jobs right!

Anyway, here's what I looked like as I left the hospital.


Yesterday I went back to have the wound checked and thankfully its healing well with no sign of infection. I also got the whole huge bandage removed. Now that was a result!

Synchronicity!!!!!!!

Not the old Police album, but a genuine example of stuff happening at the right time.

Yesterday Apple announced the new iPhone, and on Thursday I am eligible for an upgrade! This has never happened to me before, I'm usually at least a year behind on every damn bit of technology every invented!

Now all we need is for O2 to follow AT&T's example and make the upgrade free.

American

I seem to be doing a fair bit of movie going at the moment, and last week saw me heading back to The Prince Charles round the back of Leicester Square to see the Bill Hicks movie American.

My pal had suggested it, I was only vaguely aware that the movie was out! I went with some trepidation too cos over the years that I've been doing stand up I've been nauseated by the amount of comedians who announce themselves as the "new Bill Hicks". Sadly most of em are about as funny as the 'new Jim Davidson'. Being able to shout doesn't make you edgy, it just makes you shouty.

One of the things I really loved about the film was the fact that they addressed that phenomenon too. Probably slightly kinder than I just have, but still.

I really liked the way it was put together, kinda half animation with voice overs from Dwight Slade his former double act partner, his Mum, brother, sister, other comics who worked with him in the early days, it was really well done and not too gushy.

I did feel for Dwight Slade, the bit of his solo stand up we saw wasn't dreadful, but imagine being in a double act with someone like Bill Hicks, you're always gonna be the shit one! Poor sod.

There's early days footage, and rather more sadly later days footage too, the sight of him ravaged with cancer but still on fire as a comedian brought more than a few tears to my eyes I can tell you.

Of course, me being me, I have my own Bill Hicks' story to tell. About two weeks before he was due to do his last big London show (as it turned out) at the Dominion Theatre, I got a call from my mate Neil Norman at the Evening Standard. I was no longer working for them, and had begun to dip my toe into the mad world of stand-up without much success to be honest!

Anyway Neil knew this, and figured I might wanna meet Bill Hicks. More importantly Lynn Franks PR who were plugging the show, had been hassling him for ages to get someone to do an interview and none of the regular arts writers were remotely interested. Needless to say, I was!

I dealt with a guy called Mike (sorry can't remember his surname - it was 17 years ago!) who was Bill's "english manager" and ran Laughing Stock records. He suggested I go and see Bill at Royal Holloway College in Egham in Surrey, then I could do the interview and see him warm up for the big gig. Even better Mike was happy to give me a lift there and back!

Now here's where I admit my ignorance. A couple years before I went to the Bloomsbury Theatre to see Dennis Leary do his "No Cure for Cancer" show and was pretty blown away. I'd not seen that kind of comedy before and of course Dennis was pretty cute in those days. I'd even interviewed him for the Standard while I was still working there.

Anyway, in the car with Mike I mentioned how Dennis and Bill had pretty similar themes in their comedy - smoking, Reagan, drugs in rock 'n' roll, etc. Thank god I mentioned it to Mike cos he explained how basically Dennis Leary had stolen Bill Hicks' act and dashed over here with it! Good job I didn't ask Bill if he was influenced by Leary! Of course I have no idea whether this is the full and true version of events but even so, it would've been a shit opening to the interview!

That disaster averted, we arrived at the gig, and I have to admit I was really nervous. I'd only seen videos of his performances and as you will know, he's not exactly shy and retiring onstage!

Offstage was a totally different matter tho. Firstly he was happy to be interviewed before the gig, quite a rarity at least with bands. Most performers are 'getting into their zone' pre-performance. He was charming, funny, patient and courteous - the epitome of a southern gent. Mind you I was slim at the time and wearing a short dress, might've had something to do with it!

Once I'd asked all the "interview" questions, it was his turn to quiz me. I reluctantly admitted I'd done a couple of open spots. He was really interested in how they'd gone. I told him the truth, I had trouble remembering the material and his solution was simple "take a piece of paper onstage" and not to be scared of leaving some silence while you gathered your thoughts. Obviously he'd never done an open spot at Up The Creek on a Sunday night!

The gig was fantastic, his persona was mesmerising, and he was as we all know both hilarious and thought provoking - often at the same time. At one point he stopped talking for a good couple of minutes and took out a folded piece of paper with some new material on.The audience held their breath while he read it to himself and then did it for us. He gave a little nod as he folded it back up and put it in his pocket, as if to say 'there ya go, JoJo'.

After the show, Mike took me backstage again to say goodnight and Bill asked if I'd seen what he did. I replied that I had and it was probably easier to do that when you've got an hour or more onstage and you're Bill Hicks, not so easy when you've got five minutes to sell yourself to a bunch of people who've never heard of you. Bless him, he conceded I had a point!

Once back in London I transcribed the tapes and wrote my piece. I handed it in to Neil and waited for it to appear in that Friday's paper. I really wanted to go and see him at The Dominion on the Sunday but it was all sold out, so me getting tickets was down to how happy Lynn Franks PR were with the piece. I'd put my order in for a pair of freebies and was told I'd have to wait and see if there were any available. This of course was code for 'if the piece is shit, you can whistle"

Friday I bought a copy of the paper and disaster, it wasn't in! I spoke to Neil and was told that lack of space coupled with the Features Editor never having heard of Bill Hicks meant it was dropped. I'd get a kill fee, but that was that.

I didn't bother with Lynn Franks but I did ring Mike and tell him what had occurred and how sorry I was that it didn't go in. It was nothing to do with me but I felt responsible. I faxed a copy of my piece over and asked him to apologise to Bill for me.

That was that, or so I thought. Then, on the Sunday afternoon, about 4pm my phone rang. It was Mike. He said that Bill would like to invite me to the gig as his guest and then out for dinner afterwards - not like a romantic thing, there'd be a whole bunch of people - and here is where I admit to one of less than a handful of regrets I have in my entire life - because I was too shy to go on my own, and there was only one pass going, I said thanks but no thanks! Can you fucking believe how stupid I was??????

Six months later Bill was dead from pancreatic cancer. I learned a very valuable lesson, to make the most of every opportunity, cos you just never know.

So as not to end on a downer, in about 1996 I did a tour supporting Craig Charles, and one of the dates was Royal Holloway Collage in Egham. I got to perform on the very same stage as Bill Hicks, still didn't take out the piece of paper tho!