Feelin Hot Hot Hot

So on what promises to be the hottest weekend ever in the history of mankind, I'm off to Southampton to do a couple of nights at Jongleurs. If the line-up is the same as the website it'll be a great weekend.

It's the England match tomorrow and I hope to god we win, the gig will be a nightmare if we don't. I think we are all actually starting to believe we have a chance, so to see those hopes dashed will put a major downer on the night!

Been loving Big Brother this week, Aislene is convinced she's off back to the real world tonight, so has been telling everyone what she really thinks of them. Great viewing.

Lea continues to profoundly disturb me, I can't recall ever seeing someone so openly f**ked in the head on television on a daily basis. She's the most un-self aware person I've ever seen. Telling all and sundry how happy she is with herself and her life when it's patently obvious by the way she has mutilated her body that the poor woman wouldn't know happiness if it did full A2M on her! This woman needs to be removed from the house and given a long course of intensive therapy right now!

In the meantime let's put Aislene into the new house ready to return in a few weeks and whop all their asses! Go the Ghetto Princess!

Eclectic tastes

A few years ago I stopped listening to new music on a regular basis cos when I did, I felt I'd heard it all before.

I held John Peel in great esteem for many many reasons, but primarily for his continued enthusiasm for new music, he musta heard tons more than me and still gave a shit.

Then a couple of years ago I met someone who re-opened my ears to what's going on out there. A lot of his tastes aren't mine, but I've discovered bands like Drive by Truckers thanks to him.

Last year I was tipped off about a certain "free" music download site which is the answer to all my prayers, cos I got sick and tired of buying CD's only to find that 8 of the 10 tracks on it are shit. With this site I can download just the songs I want and when I get bored with them I can delete em. The way I see it, I've bought enough records in my time, I'm due a few freebies!

So today I found myself listening to a playlist I'd made of stuff from this site, and I've come to the conclusion I am a musical schizophrenic. It went from Smack My Bitch Up by The Prodigy to Hold Me Close by David Essex to I Saw The Light by Todd Rungren! If I was knocked down and had no ID, they'd never be able to guess what kind of person I am from my iPod!

I kinda like it that way.

Anniversaries

Blimey! It was 13 years ago tonight that I did my first ever stand-up gig! How time flies!

It was at a glamourous venue in North London that went by the name of the VD Clinic. It was an open spot gig, and as it was the Sunday of Glastonbury weekend I did this whole thing about just getting back from Glastonbury. I had a tye-dye top on and ripped jeans, and a peace of rope around my wrist .... a visual pun on the whole crusty/dog on a string thing. Hardly cutting edge satire I know, but I was new!

I got some laughs and I was on my way.

Since then I've performed all over the world, done thousands of gigs, had my own tv show, and met some incredible people.

Its not like performing was a burning desire, ever. Three years before I did my first gig I was happily working at the Evening Standard as a TV journalist, happy until I contracted RSI. I had a full year off work trying to regain some feeling in my hands and repair the nerve damage done to my entire system - some days I even walked with a limp because of it. I tried physiotherapy, acupuncture, even faith healing, nothing worked.

Needless to day the Standard got a bit pissed off with paying me lots of money to do bugger all, so they sacked me. The NUJ promised me that they'd take them to court and get me half a million quid in compensation, but sod all came of that promise.

Anyway, I took the bull by the horns, wrote some gags and did an open spot... I never thought I'd still be doing it after all this time, but I am and I bloody love it! Thank god for the RSI!

Today is also another, far less pleasurable anniversary, which I won't go into here, but instead of feeling sad about the events that took place three years ago today, I celebrated it...it was the catalyst that got me to where I am today...

Life is a fantastic voyage folks

Community

So I'm MC'ing Jongleurs Reading this weekend and having a real blast.

The line up includes my old pals Geoff Boyz and Carey Marx who is doing some fantastic stuff at the moment, and someone new to me, Greg Davies. One of the giants of comedy, literally he's 6'8" tall! He's a real joy to watch and great fun in the dressing room.

Call it old age or senility, but when I work with someone for the first time I have to write their name on my hand so that I don't forget it when I'm introducing them, and on Thursday night I did just that with Greg. Last night I was a bit cocky, after all once you've seen Greg you're hardly likely to forget him!

So I'd had a ramble, got to know a bit about the audience and done the big build up before bringing him on, and just at that crucial moment, I forgot his bloody surname! There is a group of people in Berkshire who will forever think of him as Greg Yayyyyyy! Not taking any chances tonight.. I shall tattoo his name on the inside of my eyelids.

Greg and Carey buggered off as soon as they'd finished, Greg had a hot date and Carey had another gig, so it was just Geoff and I standing on Reading Station for the train back to Paddington. We were in the middle of a conversation when I spotted a face that in the last few years I've only seen on those 100 Greatest things or on MySpace, Robin Ince.

I genuinely cannot remember the last time we worked together but I remember loving what he did. Since those days he's earned a great reputation as a writer and performer, supporting his pal Ricky Gervais on tour, and carving his own niche in the wild world of comedy. He was closely followed by another blast from the past, Peter Buckley Hill, who again I haven't seen in aeons. They'd been doing their Book Club which is a mix of sketches, stand-up and general funny stuff at the arts centre.

As the London train pulled in, lovely Johnny Candon turned up too, and suddenly we were a gang. The journey home was brilliant with lots of catching up, debate on the Jongleurs vs rest of the circuit type chats, with the exception of Johnny who was "resting his eyes".

Before we knew it, the train was pulling into Paddington. It's nights like this that I am reminded of one of the many reasons why I love doing stand-up. It is by nature a very solitary path, but when we all get together it's a real community.

This made me laugh out loud!

Courtesy of PopBitch, this is the funniest thing I've seen in ages....

http://hitlercats.motime.com/

Copy and paste or click on the title of the blog

Drugzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

So the Daily Mirror filled its pages with photos of my old mate Craig Charles smoking was "appreared to be crack cocaine' today. This resulted in him being immediately suspended from Corrie, which is a bit odd, as at this stage they have no proof that that's what he was actually doing.

I suspect it'll all go away rather like the "Cocaine" Kate Moss incident. A photo is not proof enough it seems.

What I really don't get is why anyone would take any kind of illegal substance in front of anybody else these days. Everyone has mobiles with cameras, and its all to easy to snap a few compromising piccys isn't it?

I daresay Kate and Craig both thought they were in the company of friends when they chose to inhale "substances" from either a beer can or through a £20 note, but bear in mind the company they were keeping, perhaps they ought to choose their pals a bit more wisely.

I've known Craig for over 20 years and even supported him on tour about eight years ago. Haven't seen a whole lot of him in the past few years, but from what I know of him, he's smart, kind and generous.

I hope he's got more sense than to be doing crack, if anything it's a young person's drug and he's 41 for god's sake!

England's World Cup Glory

So taking a break from watching the World Cup Final between England and Switzerland in Euro 2006....it's all very exciting isn't it?

They've just taken Mickey Rooney off, and replaced him with Glen Campbell, Mickey isn't happy cos he didn't score, he's kicked his football slippers off in disgust...no Horlicks from granny for you tonight young man! Well his sister Collin's out there with him and I suspect they might be sharing a room due to the over-crowding, no room for a third person in there is there?

So far it's all very fair with both teams having one point each, which I think is lovely...if it stays like that, everybody wins, don't they?

Our point was scored by a little boy called Old King Cole - strange name for a child - but his brother Aisleen Cole doesn't seem to be doing too much. She's probably worrying about getting back into the Big Brother house in time for the nomination results. There's another Cole brother - MJ - but he doesn't like football, so he plays records in a discoteque, and in his spare time makes records that noboby buys but which Trevor Nelson raves about.

I like it when they have brothers playing, it used to always be the Neville Brothers didn't it? Phil and Aaron. I wonder why they don't play with England anymore, maybe they've gone back to singing. Tell It Like It Is is one of my favourite songs of all time.

Michael Owen, who used to be the Showbiz writer at the Evening Standard when I worked there 16 years ago, was taken off at the beginning cos his varicose veins were playing up...I hope he remembers to put his elastic stocking on before the next innings.

For a girl I really know quite a lot about football, I know that our Captain - David Beckhambauer - is married to the ugly ginger one from Girls Aloud, and likes to wear skirts. I also know that all the experts keep banging on about the 'Spirit of 96' but I can't even remember where we played that game.

We've just got another point! Hurrah for us! Aaaaaah for poor The Switzerland tho, I like their player Freddie Flintoff, he has a great body, I've seen him modelling knickers for Matalan...sexy! The boy called Tony Gerrard scored our second point...so now everyone will be getting jumpers with his name on and saying they always liked him best I guess.

Some boy with no hair called Harry Larson has just got another run for Switzerland, so it's all fair and square again. It seems he's not even Swiss, cos during the day he plays for a Scottish team, not sure which one Cardiff or Doncaster I think.

So that's the Euro World Cup all done and dusted, I enjoyed it! I think I might watch it again next year when it's going to be played in EuroDisneyLand Paris again.

Lesson Three

So after two fabby nights at the Comedy Cafe, working with the likes of Jared Christmas and John Moloney, I dragged my ass outta bed at 9am on Sunday morning so that I could make the Sunday Tai Chi class.

Usually I'm travelling back from somewhere, so this is the first time I've been able to go to this one. I was really excited, just getting out for 11.30 on a Sunday morning was a new departure for me, let alone going to do some kind of healthy activity!

There were a few faces from the Tuesday class there, but a couple of new faces too...both men and one of em was quite cute in a 'dirty shag' kinda way. He's probably not like that at all, he just looked a bit dishevelled, not trampy dishevelled, more 'just climbed off a hot slut' dishevelled.

I learned two more sections of the form and got tons of praise, seems I've found something I'm naturally adept at....ha it would involve moving slowly wouldn't it?

I kept sneaking glances at 'dishevelled boy' and my mind wandered a bit, all the b/s dialogue that women have with themselves about how maybe we'd get chatting, he'd ask me out for a coffee, etc etc, then I saw him wielding a bloody great sword around the place...perhaps not!

Tai Chi's still brilliant tho.

The Second Obligatory Big Brother Blog

So the biggest forgone conclusion in the history of mankind came to pass last night. Silly girl Grace was evicted. Unlike with Sezer the geezer, they didn't say what percentage of votes she got, but I suspect it was somewhere in the region of 99.999999999%.

Much has been made of the fact that she's a spoiled little rich girl whose mother bought her a house in Notting Hill, and gawd knows in the 15 years I lived there I met tons of girls like Grace, who come and 'slum it' with the urbans for a while, then marry a doctor or a lawyer and decamp to the Home Counties.

In my day, those same girls (plus a few of their more well-heeled mates from Chelsea) used to head down to the Titanic club on a Saturday night where they could be really "fierce" with boys from the wilder side of life.

Grace's bitchiness really depressed me, she's a gorgeous young woman, with so many advantages at such a young age, and the only way she can feel good about herself is to be nasty about people with less going for them. How sad.

They reckon that we are both attracted to and repelled by people who display qualities we recognise. Long before Susie nominated her, Grace decided that she was an 'old hag'. The water chucking incident last night just enforced all the repellent qualities we already saw in Grace.

The irony of Grace's intense dislike of Susie, is that Susie is Grace in 20 years' time. Married well, living in the country, and slightly bored that life wasn't quite as fabulous as she thought it would be at the age of 20. Why else would Susie have been so desperate to get in the house?

Poor little Gracie, even Davina's very tactful pointing out of the facts didn't register. I don't know many 20 year old girls, but I hope there aren't too many around like Grace.

The arrogance of youth is a wonderful thing, that feeling of invincibility, that you're gonna live forever, that life owes you plenty...those are the qualities that make you fearless, that propel to you achieve, and you need that when you're young.

I just pray that when things have settled down a bit for her, Grace takes time to seriously reflect on the part she played in her own - very public - downfall, and learns from it.

Comedy Cafe

For the first time in what seems like ages, I'm working in my home town tonight and tomorrow. That means I get to wake up in my own bed, bliss!

I'm doing the Comedy Cafe in Rivington Street, somewhere I don't do that often, but I always have fun.

The Cafe has all kinds of great memories for me. Years and years ago, Noel Faulkner (the owner) turned the upstairs into a kinda members club for comics. There was no real policing of entry, if you had the balls to go up there you'd get in.

The first time I went 'upstairs' was after my first paid 10 there. Before that, I'd never dared. Ronni Acona was on the bill too, and she persuaded me to go with her. It was fantastic! Like the Groucho Club's waiting room. I remember Alan Davies turning up, plus tons of other great comics I'd seen when doing my open spots. Suddenly I was in the same space as them.

For a good couple of years it became the place to head to after you'd finished work on a Saturday night, Jo Brand was a regular as was Ricky Grover, and it was in that room that we came up with an idea for a sketch that eventually found it's way on Jo's 'Through the Cakehole' series.

Comics could also hold parties up there. I remember going to one, can't remember whose party or what the occasion was, but everyone was there. I had my camera that night and took this fantastic photo of a very baby-faced Ross Noble talking to Steve Coogan. Both had curly hair and it looked like some kind of father and son reunion thing! One of these days, I'll invest in a scanner so I can upload all these pics.

Upstairs at the Cafe was also the regular venue for filming interviews during the second series of Funny Business (my telly show from years ago). During the first series we'd beg, scrounge or borrow all kinds of places to film - it was very very low budget! - and that became a nightmare. When the show was recommisioned I had a word with Noel and he agreed to let us film up there for free, in exchange for a little credit. Considering the price of location fees in London, this was an incredibly generous offer.

The place was decorated with fake leopard and zebra skin sofas, purple walls, perfect for late night telly. And over the 21 episodes we had the great and the good of comedy in there.

I played table football with Lee Hurst as we discussed his incredible rise to fame on They Think it's All Over. Jimmy Cricket read me a 'letter from his mammy' on one of the couches, I learned that that really is Joe Pasquale's real voice, Jenny LeCoat told me a great story involving a stripper and a can of Coke, the list goes on...

As with all good things, our lives moved on. People got married, had babies, some got successful and got free memberships to Teatro, and some of us embraced sobriety...it was a fabulous few years tho.

Ooooooooooh...

I've come over all Nigella Lawson!

No I haven't married Charles Saatchi, or done a really shit daytime chat show. I have turned into a Domestic Goddess. Unblocking drains, scrubbing limescale stains from the shower, polishing glass, generally turning into the Howard Hughes of comedy. And for what you might ask?

Well my gorgeous bestest comedy chum Stephen K Amos is coming over for a late lunch! I haven't seen him since the beginning of February cos he's been busy wowing Antipodean audiences for aaaaaages!

The menu is a bit flash for me too, grilled whole Rainbow Trout, with new potatoes and steamed mange tout...last time I cooked for him it wasn't a great success, let's hope he's impressed this time. And if he ain't, well I've got a clean flat.

Gonna watch the Eng-er-land match later, I hope we win, it makes for better gigs this weekend!

Just The Tonic

Regular readers will recall me going on about Just The Tonic comedy club in Nottingham.

Earlier this year it was faced with closure cos the pub where it takes place was being sold, so Darrell Martin organised a couple of benefit gigs to raise money to buy his own premises. This is some backstage footage, featuring a few of the acts who took part, including Stewart Lee, Ricky Gervais etc;

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hc6QarhnIdU

Cut and paste and have a look.

Gigging, Ligging and Jiggy Jigging

So this weekend I've been in the Midlands again.

Thursday to Saturday was spent at Nottingham Jongleurs, which can be a bit of a bugger of a gig. This weekend tho it was a dream. The sunshine and footy definitely played a part in the good mood of the audience. It also meant that on Thursday and Friday nights the numbers were down a bit, which made it easier to play.

There's a massive balcony at this club which is great for packing more people in and selling more beer, but a tad destructive when it comes to creating a comedy atmosphere...for the simple reason that the people at the back of the balcony can't really see the stage too well and so don't feel like a part of the show. This weekend there were only a few people in the balcony, so we all really bonded.

There were different acts on every night, which keeps it interesting for me. Thursday night saw Mike Gunn, JJ Whitehead, and Martin BigPig on the line up. This was sooooo cool. I love watching Mike, it's like he's read my thoughts. BigPig I haven't seen in years and years.

In fact, the last time we could remember working together was about 8 years ago at the Laughter Lounge in Dublin. He was firing a gun with his nipple, but I was the one who got banned!!!!!!

At the risk of sounding a bit luvvy and gushing, there's no-one on the circuit that I don't get on with, us comics are a pretty cool bunch, but there are a few guys who are just such brilliant human beings that being in their presence lights up your day. Mr BigPig is one of those guys...hope to see you again soon Martin.

Friday night we had the lovely Christian Reilly. I've known him since he was drafted in to play guitar with Otis Lee Crenshaw, and it's fantastic to see him making it as a comedian in his own right. The vibe on Friday night was really chilled, and all of us were having fun. I was rambling on about something before I brought Christian on, and the next thing I knew I was saying 'talking of c**ts, here's yer next act'. I cracked up laughing, I couldn't believe I'd said that out loud! Luckily for me, Christian knows me well enough, and by this point so did the audience. He was giggling as he came up to the stage and had a blinding gig.

On Saturday afternoon JJ and I watched the match together in the luxurious surroundings of the Holiday Inn Express bar, who says I don't lead a glamourous life!

Sunday night saw me at the Nightingale in Brum, it was still baking hot at 9pm so needless to say the audience was incredibly sparse. I've never sweat so much onstage in my life. It wasn't just the heat doing that tho, the antics of a very drunk straight couple in the second row were distracting to say the least.

They'd obviously decided that this was the ideal place to indulge in foreplay, so she was sitting there rubbing his cock while he was fingering her crotch! Bit difficult to concentrate on your act when you got that kinda show going on. The MC was Mrs Barbara Nice who is as mad as a box of frogs, and a joy to hang out with. Also on was Angie McEvoy who I've known for ages but never seen perform...she was brilliant! Check her out as soon as!

My glamour filled weekend was rounded off by me catching the coach back from Brum to Victoria...woooohoooooo this is the life!!!!!

What a Wonderful World

See I told ya I'd be positive soon!

I've just had the multitude of windows in my flat cleaned for the first time in 18 months (I know, its shocking!). Finding a good window cleaner in central London is like searching for rocking horse shit...

The boys from UC are fantastic tho, I just keep forgetting to call them and get em in. It cost me £60 to have 9 windows done inside and out, which aint cheap, but money well spent believe me. The sunshine is streaming in now! I reckon £50 of the fee is danger money, they hang out of the windows three storeys up to get into all the nasty nooks and crannies. Gawd bless em!

Just checked the weather forecast on the BBC website and it's gonna rain tomorrow! Typical. Oh well, at least the rain won't stick to the accumulated dust and crap that had built up.

Something Good

I just remembered a positive thing!

I went to the V&A yesterday to see their Modernism exhibition. Wow! How brilliant!

The obvious ones like Le Corbusier are in there, but there's tons and tons more stuff to see, and how amazing to see how new the stuff still looks!

There's a gorgeous garden in the middle of the V&A too, where you can sip a coffee in the sunshine, you can't have a fag but somehow it doesn't seem that important. Do yourself a favour and head down there.

Best of all, I got a wind up robot just like the ones in Metropolis. I've named him Robbie and he's all gold and shiny and cute.

A coupla things...

I'm off to the lovely Midlands for the weekend. Three nights at Jongleurs in Nottingham, followed by a gay friendly gig at The Nightingale in Brum on Sunday...looking forward to them!

On days like these when the sun is shining, you feel that all's right with the world, don't you? Well I did till I checked my emails (see previous post).

Another thing that has made me feel sick to my stomach is a video I watched last night. It's on Google Video and its called "Loose Change". Its about all the discrepencies in the official version of what happened on 9/11.

Now I'm no conspiracy theorist, but there are too many facts in this video to ignore. I was horrified while I watched it, yet at no time did I think it was a load of bollocks.

Take a look here (you might have to cut and paste the link cos I aint that techy!)

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-8260059923762628848

Depressing stuff I know, and I promise I will try to find something upbeat to blog about really soon!

Have a good weekend folks xx

Sick F**ks

The scammers on MySpace get worse and worse! I've had guys trying to sell me babies, declaring undying love or failing that can I send them "something" to remind them of me, the list goes on.

However this morning I opened my mailbox to see the worst one yet. I'm reposting it in full cos I can't believe how sick some people are!

FAITH OF DONATION !!!.
Body: GREETING IN THE NAME OF OUR LORD JESUS CHRIST.

I AM EVANGELIST MARY NORA. A WIDOW TO LATE CHARLES NORA. I AM 56 YEARS OLD, I AM NOW A NEW CHRISTAIN CONVERT, SUFFERING FROM LONG TIME CANCER OF THE BREAST, FROM ALL INDICATION MY CONDITION IS REALLY DETERIORATING AND IT IS QUITE OBVIOUS THAT I WILL NOT LIVE MORE THAN A FEW MONTHS ACCORDING TO MY DOCTORS, THIS IS BECAUSE THE CANCER STAGE HAS GOTTEN TO A VERY BAD STAGE.

MY LATE HUSBAND KILLED DURING THE U.S. RAID AGAINST TERRORISM IN AFGHANISTAN, AND DURING THE PERIOD OF OUR MARRIAGE WE COULD NOT PRODUCE ANY CHILD.

MY LATE HUSBAND WAS VERY WEALTHY AND AFTER HIS DEATH, I INHERITED ALL HIS BUSINESS AND WEALTH. THE DOCTORS HAS ADVISED ME THAT I MAY NOT LIVE FOR MORE THAN SIX MONTHS, SO I NOW DECIDED TO DEVIDE THE PART OF THIS WEALTH, TO CONTRIBUTE TO THE DEVELOPMENT OF THE CHURCH IN AFRICA,AMERICA, ASIA, AND EUROPE. I PRAYED OVER IT.


WE ARE WILLING TO DONATE THE SUM OF $70.000.00 MD U.S DOLLARS,BY THE END OF AUGUST TO THE LESS PRIVILEGED.EVERY DONATION COUNTS NO MATTER HOW SMALL. HOW CAN YOU HELP? PLEASE I WANT YOU TO NOTE THAT FUND IS LYING IN A SECURITY COMPANY AND UPON MY INSTRUCTION, MY ATTORNEY, WHO PRESENTLY IS IN AFRICA DISTRIBUTING RELIEF MATERIALS TO THOSE OF BOMB BLAST VICTIMS IN SIERRA-LEONE, WILL FILE IN AN APPLICATION FOR THE TRANSFER OF THE MONEY IN YOUR NAME.

LASTLY, I HONESTLY PRAY THAT THIS MONEY WHEN TRANSFERRED WILL BE USED FOR THE SAID PURPOSE, BECAUSE I HAVE COME TO FIND OUT THAT WEALTH ACQUISITION WITHOUT CHRIST IS VANITY.

MAY THE GRACE OF OUR LORD JESUS THE LOVE OF GOD AND THE FELLOWSHIP OF GOD BE WITH YOU AND YOUR FAMILY. PLEASE I WILL LIKE YOU TO SEND ME THE FOLLOWING DETAILS WHEN GETTING BACK TO ME FOR IDENTIFICATION.

1,FULL NAME
2,ADDRESS/ COUNTRY
3,OCCUPATION & AGE
4,PHONE & FAX NUMBER

I AWAIT URGENT REPLY.

YOURS IN CHRIST. PLS REPLY ME ON MY PRIVATE E-MAIL ID (evanoram011@yahoo.com )

MRS MARY NORA.

Surely if you've got that kind of money to donate to charity you don't need to be soliciting strangers on a website?

Also, with identitiy theft in the news constantly, just those four sets of details would be enough for them to raid your bank account, get credit cards in your name, etc.

Some people!

Lesson Two ...

was brilliant! I think I'm hooked on this Tai Chi malarkey!

Learned a bit more of the form tonight, and got plenty of one on one tuition. It's weird cos you don't feel like you do after any other workout, ie knackered, you feel energised, but you're aware of having worked the muscles, especially in your legs!

I know I'm getting well into it tho, cos I missed tonight's Big Brother and I didn't even care! To be really honest, the last couple of nights have left me feeling a bit depressed and despairing for humanity! All the stirring, bitching and lying that's going on in the house is starting to get to me. If I wanted to witness that kinda crap I'd work in an office!

Da Geeza is a Gonna!

So, justice prevailed on Friday night as arrogant little shit Sezer was evicted from the Big Brother house with 91.6% of the vote, the highest ever!

Now don't get me wrong, I don't think Lea or Richard are any better than him. Lea's getting right on my (natural) tits with all her whinging about how women hate her and men think she's a joke, and how she wants to protect her family bollocks. Here's a little tip for ya Lea, don't pump your breasts up to a ridiculous size and then pay for it by making hard core pornography.

As for Richard he's as guilty of the crimes he condemns others for, being fake, being dull etc...let's face it apart from Pete, everyone in there is a prime example of the worst of what we celebrate ... famous for being famous, me me me, all the usual selfish bollocks.

Great viewing tho eh?

This weekend's gigs were challenging for all kinds of reasons. I was up in Glasgow, my first time in Scotland since the smoking ban came in. Suffice to say I wasn't looking forward to it! I flew up there with my comedy chum Simon Clayton, it was great to have company during the trip and Simon's always great company.

We got to the hotel, there was a bit of confusion with check-in but we got it sorted, and we both got smoking rooms, hurrah!

Simon was the MC this weekend, and boy did he earn his money! As the room is non-smoking, he had to fill for ages while people nipped out for a smoke. I was a bit nervous about doing a set (its been a while) but had a couple of blinders. While I can't say I enjoyed them, I sure enjoyed the sense of achievement I got from 'doing the business'.

Got home this afternoon, and when I unpacked I realised I'd smoked half the cigarettes I usually would on a weekend! Wow! Roll on the ban here, I'll be a non-smoker in no time, and Tony Blair can fund his illegal war without my hard earned cash.

Jet Set Life

Blimey, I'm like one of those 'It' girls or sumfink! No sooner have I washed away the dust of Madrid than I'm off to yet another airport to jet off to yet another glamourous location.

OK I'll come clean, it aint Heathrow this time, its Luton, and instead of a fabulous, sun-drenched location, its Glasgow, but hey you can't win em all!

I'm doing a couple of gigs at Jongleurs up there, the line-up - according to the website - is great. Best of all, as the venue (like everywhere else in Scotland) is non-smoking now, I'm doing a set, so no need to knacker myself out running up and down the stairs to the street for a fag every 10 minutes.

Spain has also brought in the no smoking indoors rule, but of course, in Madrid it didn't affect me at all, when it's hot and sunny who the hell wants to be indoors? Not so sure how well it'll work in Scotland, where the forecast for the weekend is rain and plenty of it.

Oh well, I've overcome worse trials and tribulations in my life, I'm sure I'll cope for 48 hours.

Have a fantastic weekend folks xx

Red Light, Big City

Soooooooo, Madrid.

It was a short but very sweet trip. The 35 degree heat when I arrived was much welcomed on my poor frozen London skin. Amazingly it's as hot here as it was when I was in Bangkok, but it's not humid so it felt more comfortable. The trip was painless enough, and I bravely took the Metro from the airport to the city.

A little note to "Red" Ken, our esteemed Mayor, how come we can't do cheap and clean public transport. A ticket giving me 10 trips on the Metro cost a mere 5 euros. Bearing in mind that a return ticket on the Heathrow Express is £26 we're doing something wrong here.

The hotel was a brilliant example of how to do budget with class. As regular readers know, hotels are the bane of my life, but this one, the Petit Palace Italia on the Gran Via, right in the middle of everything, was stylish and affordable, with a fabulous shower that had water squirting on me from all directions!

I couldn't work out why the hotel was so reasonably priced, until I went out to stock up on water for the fridge. It would appear I was staying bang in the middle of the red light district! Either that or a lot of scantily clad girls were being stood up all at the same time. Interestingly, 98% of the hookers were Spanish. Everywhere else it seems that the eastern Europeans are taking over the 'minge for sale' market, but not here in Madrid.

The next day I hit the galleries, starting off at the Museo Thyssen-Bornemisza. which failed to live up to my expectations sadly, the cafe was fabulous tho, and I had a lovely time sitting in the sunshine with my cafe con leche. From there I walked to the Prado.

As this was just a short trip I didn't have time to linger, but it was amazing to see paintings by Goya, Velazquez, Dali and Bosch...hard to believe that some of them were painted hundreds of years ago. I have to say tho, by the end of it I was 'Jesused Out'. I have my own views about who and what Jesus was, but there's no denying he musta been a great guy to inspire soooooooo many artists. Either that or the Catholic Church were the only people with money to pay them!

Dinner was taken at one of the many fabulous restaurants in the Plaza Mayor, amd usually I spend this time people watching. Not this time tho, I'd picked up a copy of Mark Billingham's new paperback Lifeless, and cliche or not, I simply couldn't put it down....I opened it on the flight out and finished it on the plane home. Still waiting to see a character named after me in one of his novels tho!

Wednesday I went to the Reina Sofia Museum...talk about saving the best till last! My god it was fabulous! Sadly the Picasso rooms were closed so I didn't get to see Guernica, but that only provides me with an excuse to go back. Not that I need one. Focusing more on modern art, there were works that simply took your breath away, from artists like Kandinsky, Rothko, Man Ray, Dali, Joan Miro, Yves Klein and a billion more. I just didn't have enough time to take it all in, this is definitely a full day gallery!

The other brilliant thing about this place was the groups of really, really tiny children being given a brilliant introduction to art. They seemed genuinely interested too, asking the guides questions about the paintings, and really well behaved. I want a Spanish baby! They were so gorgeous, I didn't see one ugly child. Perhaps the dodgy kids aren't taken out in public, but based on the ones I saw yesterday, there aint a dodgy looking kid in the whole of Madrid.

The flight home was easy enough, and thanks to my not checking in any luggage, I was in my flat within 70 mins of landing. Hurrah.

I would write more, but Big Brother is on, and I wanna see what's going on.

One last thing....

EVICT SEZER!!!!!!!!!!!!

Madrid....

was amazing! Too tired to write about it now, stay tuned!